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I'm not sure if i will be able to articulate this or not but I'm going to try.
It's something I was thinking about today as I was walking, I'm not sure if I can tie it in to any al-anon principals or not but I don't think I would even be thinking about t if not for al-anon so, here goes.
I was thinking about the way my parents, grandmother and siblings reacted to me when I hadn't found a place to stay and had to go and stay there for a couple of weeks.They were all adamant that I make plans for being there as a permanent arrangement and it really bugged me. The attitude was, "well you haven't found a place to live so you arent going to be able to find a place to live so this is it, now we all have to suffer and deal with it". I found it upsetting and confusing; how does me not having a place in one moment mean I will never be able to live on my own again? Any time I tried to say "I will find a place, it's just taking more time than i would like it to" and the response was always the same, "Well I don't see how you are going to find a placei f you haven't already. I think you need to face facts and enrol daughter in a local school and throw out a lot of your stuff because you won't be needing it and we don't have room for duplicates" and stuff like that. And they were really horrid to me and obviously very upset that they now had a grown woman and her child and dog that had come to live in their home FOREVER. I'm not complaining, please understand, I'm going somewhere with this.
But now that i am in a place my parents and grandmother are all super friendly and nice to me again. As if nothing ever happened. We are all super-best friends again. My mother is just being so nice. It's nice, I am happy, bygones and all...but I was thinking about why it is that way.
And I started thinking of myself when i was younger. How I was always absolutely desperate to make things permanent. I wanted to move out of hme for example from the time I was about 12 and I was always trying to convince people to let me use their shed as a home, I even tried to talk my boyfriend's parents into letting me make a little home in their roof, I would pay them a weekly amount and eventually would own it, I was going to put in a little kitchen and bathroom and... (it made sense when I was 14 and earning my own money OK, I was a dreamer), when I needed a car i would have just about put a motor into a shopping trolley just to say it was mine and then i could tick the box...yes I have a home...yes I have a vehicle...I was always obsessed with owning everything, knowing exactly what I had, waiting and having faith wasn't an option. Gosh this is hard to explain. But I could cite a million examples of me finding something sub-standard and unsuitable and not caring because I just wanted to be sure of it, to know I had it..nothing was worthwhile unless I had it and could be sure I had it.
But there was just such an overwhelming need for permanence. This is mine and I own it and it will always be mine and noone can take it away and....so too with relationships. From a very young age i wanted a forever partner. I just needed to know it was and would be forever. And when those relationships failed I was almost deranged with grief. But I never took time to get to know people or find common interests, i just wanted that good looking guy on the motorbike and only forever would do. When that relationship ended, i had to secure the next good looking guy on a motorbike...lol.
So the very concept of letting go and having faith and letting HP was EXTREMELY foreign to me and yet once i got my head around it my whole life and perspective just changed. For example previously if I did something i liked or felt good about, instead of just enjoying it i would be obsessing on how to make that become a regular thing. Oh, I went swimming today and I feel so good and healthy, how can i make myself do it every day? I bet i can't. I'm going to be miserable about the fact that i cant own this practice forever and ever. Instead of feeling god that I did it today i am going to feel sad and resentful because i wont be able to make myself do it every day.
So it has been so incredibly freeing to learn to be able to just be. To not have to be in control and know exactly what I will have or do tomorrow or next year or 10 years from now.
I wonder if this little hmeless experience hasn't been a part of that learning.
I still see it in myself. I am often so busy photographing moments, sunsets, funny things i see that i dont actually enjoy them. I am trying to own them. Oftentimes with myself too. Like a lot of people I take selfies when I feel like I look nice. Why? If i somehow capture a nice picture of myself then that is how I look for always and ever...it's nutty thinking. I'm glad to be challenging it at last.
Anyway I'm not sure if that makes an sense to anyone but I am learning to find so much value in being in the moment, and letting go of thsobsessive need to lable and define exactly what I am, what I have and what will happen tomorrow. This is a kind f revolution for me and I love it.
Hope that isn't just confusing and weird :-/
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 5th of February 2015 08:35:52 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
OH I just read el-cees post that talks about freezing things and making them forever, lol.
I hadnt read it before. maybe this thinking isnt as weird as I thought.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
This is a great post Melly and I can relate to wanting great things and wanting them now to be mine, yes all mine. I want everything figured out and settled, I believe it's for the stability of it all, but alas life is continuous change and I am learning also to accept life on life's terms. It is a gift to accept yourself and those around you right where they (you) are and truly be okay with that. You are well on your way and this is a great post. I am so glad to share this walk with you! Sending you love and support always!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Dear Ms. M, this makes a great deal of sense and actually your share refers to the ODAT reading for today. It speaks about wanting to freeze time and not allow change to occur because we are enjoying the moment.
You are learning and have learned through all your experiences that change is inevitable and having the tools to live life on life's terms is a great gift.. It is not necessary to freeze a moment as life is about growing changing, and learning, this allows us to truly live in the moment and appreciate all that is around us.
As far as the attitudes of your family , I can identify with those as well. Seeing Catastrophe as permanent refusing to allow positive possibilities that life might offer is the product of growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home Al-Anon gives us the tools to keep an open mind and live life on life's terms one day at a time. I see that you are learning well my dear.
Mel your post makes me think of "scales falling away" and seeing things differently - before Al-Anon I think I went through life with blinders on. The act of stepping back and determining if something is on my side of the street has changed my perspective. As one poster use to say, how important is it - the simple concept has permeated my life; I save my energy for what's important.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I wrote a big long share that was because of what you had said so thank you for sharing it meant a lot to me today!
I just wanted to tell you that I understand how hard it is to not understand why our family acts or thinks the way they do. It's hard when they treat me differently based on my actions or life circumstances at the time... I adore my kids all the time. I think our higher power adores us all the time and wants what is best for us no matter what... I'm thankful I feel this way and it supersedes the discomfort I feel about how my family seems to feel or think but it takes work for me not to let my family's actions impact my feelings.
