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A year ago, my s/o's brother offered to design a web page for him. he did this after seeing that I was going to be helping, and realizing how respected he is in his industry.
WELL. A year later, and nothing has come of it. The brother has done a preliminary design, but my s/o has no initiative to get it going. I just don't want to work on it any more. I had to push him up a hill by myself, for a whole year, just to get him back in the county court system. This is something he probably could have got done himself within about 6 weeks, if he had really been interested.
So I thought I should apologize to the brother, especially because he did it thinking we would be working together. I knew he has a tendency to be judgmental, so after telling him about my s/o's problems with depression and addiction, and my decision to not do this for him any more, I also said that we have to work these problems out for ourselves, that I'm not looking for any advice or judgment. I also invited him to ask further questions about his brother's health if he wishes. And you know what? he did not have any further questions about his brother's health. His response was to say absolutely nothing.
So hey, at least he respected my request for no advice or judgment, but I'm disappointed in him for not showing more concern about his brother's health situation. I dunno, maybe if he can't advise or judge, then he'd rather not show concern either. It figures, this is the guy who made fun of my s/o, to me, when my s/o was on a lot more meds that were giving him much worse cognition problems. (No, I never told my s/o about that, why hurt him?)
My mistake, I knew it would be a mistake, the societal training to be polite made it hard to resist doing it.
(PS: I did this through PM on facebook, so I can see that he read the message and when).
PPS: he does live in the same city, my s/o's whole family is here, but we pretty much only see them at family parties on holidays. Maybe that's for the best.
It sounds like he is taking it well enough. People usually don't like it when we change our strategies, especially when we give them only the appropriate amount of power over us.
It sounds like you are approaching this well. I don't think you made a mistake, you evaluated what you could get out of SO (nothing) and what you had promised SOs Brother (something) and apologized for not being able to carry through with it.
And it sounds like SO brother isn't changing from a non-caring person to a caring one. I'm sure that wasn't a big surprise to you!
It sounds as if you had some expectations as to how the brother should/would respond, and as I have found out a terrible amount of times, "Expectations are premeditated resentments."
As you describe it, you've been overfunctioning for your s/o, and the brother is very detached. Maybe detachment is not such a bad way to go? He could be more communicative about it, but my experience is that guys typically feel that no communication is fine, where women often want more of it. So you're both doing it your way.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's not taken aback by this new news (which you've had time to get used to), and is thinking of this as "I'll just let them have their privacy."
If any of us - family members or partners - could really make a difference in our loved ones recovery from emotional challenges, how great (and easy) it would be. Sometimes it is easier to get mad at each other, the healthier ones, than it is to feel our feelings about our helplessness.
I really struggle with similar thinking to what you describe.
Best I can say is Hey, your no longer in a position to feel responsible for something you didn't have much control over and wasn't your job ... YOU WIN... whatever else is going on might be more ideal but so what.. take care of YOU and put some positive fun stuff in your head to take up the space being sucked dry by worry about SO's brother, his feeling why he is how he is etc.
I've had many people in my ex SO's life react in a way that seemed odd to me, as if I was speaking Greek to them, I now realize sometimes it was because they knew darn well all his issues and just are not used to anything but unhealthy adjustment to it. or many times they had unhealthy stuff in their lives and actually did not see the connection to daily life and the negative behaviors ( hey so what he drinks to excess every night, what does that have to do with anything else etc).. many times in dealing with alcoholism the "healthy" get all kinds of odd labels and responses... it's so much easier for others to do that than to step up themselves and behave like adults.
@Kenny: Thank you. Yeah I guess he really is a non-caring person. Making fun of his brother like that did not sit well with me. Wish I had said something then.
Thank you for this perspective: " People usually don't like it when we change our strategies, especially when we give them only the appropriate amount of power over us."
That will help me make the adjustment.
Yes Zebrafish you are correct. When we change others keep trying to get us to "Change Back".
Just keep using your alanon tool and know you are worth it.
Zebra I tried for a time to discuss my A and his addiction and sick behaviour with his family members. I felt that they would care and want to help him or be of support to him. It didn't go very well. His mother used the information to blame me for her poor son's terrible problems. His oldest brother was dismissive and told me "I have my own &^%$ to deal with". This was in spite of the fact that he had made many efforts to contact me and enquire after his brother and try to be involved. When I told him the truth he quickly handballed it back to me and cut all ties with me and i felt very confused and hurt.
What is perhaps worst is his younger brother however. He is a really nice young man who has always been extremely kind to me and has made himself available to discuss his brother's issues and has come to intervene on several ocasions when A was out of control and scary. A now lives with this young man who s all of 25 years old and saving for his own home with his new fiance. He enables his brother to the detriment of his own life and his relationship and I feel sad for him. They now have an often very drunk A stumbllng around their home, smoking indoors and being a menace. It is sad to see; i have been present at some of these times and this young man cannot bring himself to say a word to or against his brother and his behaviour. He is trying to get him involved in martial arts to release his aggression (I tried that), finding jobs for him to apply for, writing him resumes and applications, buying him neat clothing, everything I tried to do for years. He is such a nice guy and I wish he could find it in himself to stand up to "our" A whos behaviour is not cute or endearing as he wants to believe but a very sad display by a 38 year old man who has no place in a healthy family home in his current state.
To be honest i think his older brother is probably better off not wanting to deal with or help his very sick younger brother who really can only help himself. I feel a bit silly now for having shared the truth with him but in the end that is all it comes down to for me, a bit of embarassment at not getting the reaction I expected. If his older brother had been interested ad wanted to be involved, it probably wouldn't have been of any help t the A whatsoever anyway. It would have just added stress and worry to another innocent person.
I don't think we can share this burden with others, think all we can do is strengthen and care for ourselves and learn to hand the burden back to the A so that they can own it.
I do understand your frustration.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
