Time to rip off the last band-aid I guess. - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Time to rip off the last band-aid I guess.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to take more time to read through this Mel, but I see that you got much, much more healthy and he didn't and that made you guys completely incompatible. I also empathize because letting go, even of relationships that are not the greatest for us, is challenging and scary.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you got hurt by him again Mel. After I first broke with my ex the last time, oh how I wished he truly meant what he said, that we could fix us and live a good and happy life - but I saw that his well-intentions only lasted so long before the real him would resurface - hated those times when I would say something in innocent fun and have it slammed unexpectedly back at me. I started to see it as me taking steps toward and away from him, each slap in the face via cruel words or a negative event had me taking another step back - I did get hurt a few times before I developed the skills to really SEE him - that his words didn't match his actions. Eventually, I saw that he was just trying to be nice to get me back to status quo - back to things the way they were - and the new me didn't want things the way they were!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks guys. I guess it's just an opportunity isn't it? I have nothing to hide behind now, no unreasonable fears or excuses about where I will live etc. There's just the elephant in the room that still remains and it's bright pink and pretty hard to miss now!! It confuses me that I can be so strong and get through so much and hold my head up high and then a few unkind words and immature threats from A can plunge me into feeling sad and hopeless . It really highlights for me how damaging and unhealthy these interactions are for me no matter how much I want them to be something else, just as you say LMH and no, I really don't want to live in all of that shame and fear and confusion ever again, it was awful. Time for a BIG step in a new direction.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

for me it was because his unkind words hit right where he knew they would have the most effect - he was expert at it. I saved some recordings of him and some emails just so I could go back and revisit them when I needed to remember how low he could sink - faced with this nice gentle sounding man's croonings, I needed a reminder of what he was underneath that false exterior. But now I don't need them of course, my sadness is for him because I am able to really see people like him for who they are and what they are trying to do. And I love my peace, it strengthens the determination to never again let someone throw their "stuff" at me - picture this: sitting at a parade, there on the curb waiting for the festivities to start and BLAM out of nowhere, simply because I was enjoying myself a little too much without his permission, he would turn on me like a rabid raccoon and hit low and dirty and the rest of the time spent watching the parade I would sit with my stomach in knots, in pretend happiness trying to placate him and only let my attention revolve around HIS interests. NO MORE - If I have to be alone the rest of my life I will prefer it to ever giving up my right to simple enjoyment of MY life. I got better and better at seeing things as they were, not as I wanted them to be - you will too.

-- Edited by likemyheart on Wednesday 4th of February 2015 10:27:29 AM

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I sent myself insane trying to understand my ABFs behaviours today I don't try all I know is he is mentally and spiritually I'll. while active or in relief(dry but not irking progrme) he can not be man I want him to god love him. My expectations are to high for an alcoholic he says it's not personal and it's not but alcoholism chewed me up and spat me out. I too got angry everytime

I let my guard down and let the disease hurt me. I have been with my and over 9 years too but ended it 6 months ago when he picked up after two years and broke a boundary I set. As I was getting healthier it became harder to live with today I Matter too. All I can do is pray for him. It has been hard but it is getting easier day by day. You sound like you have lots of meetings by you GOOD I have been going to 3 a week while I withdraw off him he was my drug. I have had all the symptoms of an a in early sobriety racing brain can not sleep mood swings but this is right I can not keep doing what I have always done. Hp is with me but it is me who builds that relationship. Like you I am building a loving relationship with myself, hp and my kids . You are not alone al anon is here hugs Tracy xxxxx

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks LMH, it's true that he does know just exactly how to hurt me in the worst ways. Your description of sitting at a parade just WHAM opened up a bunch of memories, that is exactly what it has been like for the last 9 years, any time I am feeling happy and relaxed, a few low punches and bang, there I sit all knotted up and miserable...sometimes for days afterwards. And if I try to talk about it, "why do you have to be negative and bring up this stuff? I can't be with someone who is negative all the time"......crazy stuff and very sad when you look at it with some hindsight isn't it?
After reading what you wrote I am thinking, maybe the best way that I can use this experience is to examine WHY those certain low blows always hurt me so much, maybe use it as an opportunity to "uninstall some of my buttons".
Thanks, great food for thought.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Tracy I do need to give him to his HP and not take it personally.
I AM lucky to be settling now in an area where there are lots of meetings and chances to heal and withdraw as you say. It's inspiring to read that you are finding it easier day by day and to be reminded I am not walking this path alone. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing the journey with me

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel it is a hard long journey to mental, emotional and spiritual health
Especially after living with someone who is abusive. I am still grieving
my marriage and my hopes, My ah still continues down his path with
no Remorse or repentance which i do not Expect from him.

I am healing well being out of the abuse with the help of alanon,mip,
Divorce care and good supportive friends. I limit time talking to my Mother
who is not supportive or helpful she just tries to bring me down. You
Are who you hang around with, stay with good healthy nuturing people.
They will bolster you up and help you on your journey. The bad people
Try to make you feel bad inside then it is very hard to heal your inner
Self.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Miranda, I wonder, have I been expecting myself to suddenly become wonderfully healthy, energetic and happy?
I think perhaps I have. Thanks for the reminder that it is a healing process not a magic wand. And I DO need to be around healthy nurturing people, not go back to my default of only seeing daughter (who is my angel but is also a self-absorbed tweenager), my mother and A. These are not uplifting people for me, of course I will feel sad if I only interact with them and no-one else. Another good thing to put on my list of tools to use right now. People.
I kind of wish it was Friday tomorrow so that I could get to this new meeting. I am looking forward to it.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel, im no expert on alanon, although sometimes i think i am, but it has been so good to watch everything fall into place with you, it has reinforced the program and my own learning and i have learned a lot from your journey, so thanks for your honest shares. I think this is another example where your rational thought processes are finding the truth of it all. You have walked through your fears and you done brilliantly using your tools. Its like the a in your life is the last obstacle to serenity in a way. I know that the better i got in the beginning the more bad behaviour came from others, it makes them jittery to see growth and change so your joke for the first time was viewed as a threat. I think its testement to your progress. I think we are almost as addicted to the alcoholic in our life as they are to the drink, we get that rush of adrenalin and other hormones caused by anxiety and crisis and i know i was addicted to the drama. I still triggered at times and i see myself doing it and its like getting another hit. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and the anxiety and heightened state of being around alcoholism doesnt have the same kick, im almost clean and sober. I have slips, daily if im honest, but i think its my Procrastination with the steps thats stopping me ditching the negatives. I think the meeting sounds perfect. Its amazing hkw it all worked out in the end perfectly, so glad for you.x

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks el-cee I do in some ways see "him" as the last hurdle need to get over, and I couldn't do it before so now I am in a comfortable safe space where I think I can finally do it. I had given so much power away to other people and circumstances that I could not see the wood for the trees and just kept running back and hiding in the familiar misery with him.
I wonder if it is easier to be sucked back into anxiety and crisis than to embrace being on my own 2 feet and starting out alone (but not really alone). It really is scary. I'd love to hear how others found their first days, months in their own place after years of living with an A partner. It can't be unusual to feel freaked out and in some ways I do miss and crave the familiar with him even though it was AWFUL. Like a kind of anchor perhaps, but not in a good way.
I do feel very drawn to getting back into the step-work right now. I don't know if anyone saw but the friday meeting is called "the steps we take" and I am wondering if this is a type of meeting or just what they have named it, i don't know if it is in-depth program like steps and traditions which I find a bit confusing or a bit simpler? Anyway I guess I will find out when I go

You might not be an "al-anon expert" el-cee, I don't think there is such a thing, but you thrive on it and it shows, I love the way you embrace and share it, it is inspiring.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 4th of February 2015 12:50:55 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I spent a LOT of time feeling like a donkey following the carrot on the stick; head down plodding forward, getting through each day - One Day At A Time is really how its done, sometimes its one SECOND at time. Eventually I did start to look up, feel happy moments, stop looking around the corner for his vehicle - it was a painfully slow process with its share of setbacks - each one a learning opportunity. If he tried today to jab at my heart it wouldn't have the same effect because I'm strong now - and I think that is part of the reason why their words hurt so much, I didn't feel strong - egads I was so weak, his words/actions would just about devastate me, but I Am Al-Anon Strong - ha ha, sounds like a commercial slogan eh?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks LMH, next right thing, next right thing, next right thing is the way to go I guess. That's my carrot on a stick.

I need "I'm Al-Anon Strong" printed on a coffee cup I think, lol.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

melly we only learn or accept things as we do. for you to work thru this as you do, is your experience! Some may leave and never see them. some may go back again and again. As your al anon sister, i feel it is my job to support you and maybe point out my experience. Not judge you or tell you what to do.

I am sooo glad you are having light bulb moments. You are progressing! I am so dang proud of you.

Look at all you are accomplishing. Remember he is insane so the joke thing...typical. I found no matter what, i always felt I was on eggshells all the time with my exah.

hugs!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it is silly or stupid that you are hurt and sad. It has been a very long and involved relationship. I was horridly depressed for a while after finally breaking up with my ex-A. It didn't matter how toxic things had gotten. It was 7 long years and a huge chunk of my life.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is that by not leaving my toxic relationships, I was putting off the sorrow that I really didn't want to go through. It was sorrow that things didn't work out the way I had so delightedly hoped they would, way back in the beginning, plus sorrow that I had spent so many years in a painful relationship. I had invested so much in waiting for it to get better, and now I finally saw that all that investment and waiting could never pay off. The last little bits of painful interactions had all that sorrow in them. So it is no wonder it hurts. I suspect it hurts because you are done with being fooled and thinking it will all turn around and he will be good for you. You're facing the emotions we avoid facing when we're sick. You're getting well.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms. M, you are indeed a Miracle in Progress and I appreciate the honor of being able to witness your unfolding one day at a time.

Thank you for sharing this journey.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Mattie explained it well. I feel this way, too when I feel like trying again with the ex, I know I shouldnt because nothing is changing. Dealing with reality and not being in denial is painful.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I know for me anytime my ex A and I got even a tiny bit "emotionally close" he would pull exactly what you describe, find some small thing that was horribly wrong on me, any excuse to pull back and watch me squirm and I would be in the "winning him back mode" why do they like us to be there... it is so hurtful... anyway that is done and I don't have to deal with that anymore ever! YOU don't either.

I think we call what you have just been trough a "slip" just as an alcoholic might "slip" and take a drink... so what! Like you said you have the tools to move on!

Good for you, I think your brave and mature to admit all this in an open forum like this one!! You GO GIRL!

Oh by the way the other week, my ex alcoholic live in BF tried to "friend" me on facebook... I just ignored it cuz I had no idea what to do with such a crazy request, he was always so mean to me... I didn't respond to it in any way, not necessarily on purpose I just had no real feelings except I literally thought maybe somebody hit a wrong button or something, but it is so great to know I rejected him by ignoring him exactly as he used to do me, maybe you'll get your unintended validation that your really truly done someday soon too! If not so what you'll know in your heart!

Jaclyn · Senior Member

I feel so much for you missmeliss - I am at the very beginning of this journey. I do not yet have any tools, except perhaps this forum. My goals are, shamefully, still to 'make him see' and 'win him back' - but I not just want but NEED them to shift to your new way of thinking (even while hurting). Your strength and transformation is inspiring... I hope the heartache lessens soon. You don't deserve this.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.