The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's Hope for Today is about a person who was stuck about his/her physical appearance until (I will say her) sponsor suggested embracing the stuffed toy she was identifying with. She was given this stuffed animal from her grandfather and was then told the gift was given to her because her grandfather thought she resembled the stuffed chimpanzee. This stung her and she became fixated on her physical appearance and what she thought was wrong with it. At the suggestion of her sponsor, she began embracing and showering love upon the toy, until it eventually appeared beautiful to her and she began to recognize her own beauty.
As I was reading two main thoughts struck me. One is about how this program has helped me see and hear familiar things in a new way. In my case, throughout the course of my marriage, my AH would take frequent 'breaks' from drinking, and these, along with the talk that went with them, hooked me for a long time. Now--I still hear from my exAH the same that he has been talking about for years but I'm not hooked anymore. In fact, I would go to the next level and say I can feel compassion because I can hear that the disease has HIM hooked. So I don't hear the words and take things personally, like he is just slinging nonsense at me, but I can hear that it's the disease talking and can pray for him at the same time that I am relieved for myself.
The other thought I had was the idea that you approach something in the opposite way you are accustomed to. Recognizing how we behave in any situation, and purposefully behaving the opposite way from what we would normally do. I have heard this said at some of the AA meetings I have attended as well, and have thought about how helpful it is to retrain ourselves away from old habits that aren't necessarily so helpful for us. In the case of the writer, after a lifetime of rejecting that stuffed animal because she felt it represented her physical defects, at her sponsor's suggestion she showered it with love and began to see its (and her own) beauty. For me, I remember hearing about binge drinking on my exAHs part; there was a time that I would: a) rant and rave b) hold on to sullen bitter silence c) be fretful and anxious all night d) make idle threats and ultimatums e) all of the above [answer: e]. Now I stay out of all of that completely. Again I can feel compassion for someone in the grips of the disease but I can also rest easy knowing this is no longer what determines my life.
With that I will sign off, but not before writing how grateful I am for this site and for the experience, strength and hope of all of you.
Thanks for sharing today's reading from HFT Mary. I too like the idea of acting in the opposite manner than what I am use to and seeing the positive results. I know I had a difficult time with doing many of these activities because I was convinced that my negative view was the "RIGHT" one and any other view a form of denial How insane was that? Thank God for alanon and thank you alanon for God and restoring me to sanity as the Second Step suggests.
Before I could embrace this process, I needed to learn how to not react,which took time and practice because I was on automatic most of the time . I then slowly learned ,to stay in the moment. let go of my negative thoughts and replace them with courtesy, respect and compassion. Placing principles above personalities worked in this instance. What a difference this made !! One of the earlier reading a few days ago suggested that we cannot eliminate bad habits but we had to replace them with positive actions This is a perfect example of the same thought.
Thank you, Mary! Great reading and reflection to begin my day. I'm grateful for you, too.
This reading on the 4th step and self-acceptance reminds me of a meeting I attended recently when a member shared about a slip of hers. I was so impressed with her attitude about it. Instead of beating up on herself, she just quietly and with a smile shared how she quickly made an amends and said to the other: "I'm working on it."
There was a time in my healing process that whenever I made a mistake, I beat up on myself for days, months, even years when the memory would return. Beating up on myself never helped. Recognizing that I was a person recovering from old attitudes and old habits and had made amends if not directly, then by changing my attitudes and behaviors in other relationships was enough. Taking my inventory today rather than years ago helped me stay focused on the person I am today rather than stuck in memory on the person I was once upon a time. I can't change my past attitudes or behaviors, but I can continue to heal and be accepting of the person I am today.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 3rd of February 2015 08:40:12 AM
Thank you, Mary, for the reading and your shares. Thank you Betty and Grateful for being so insightful so early My cat jumped on my head at 3:30, so the synapse of the brain cells is a bit slow. I am happy to report that I was accepting of my irritation, followed by the anxiety that I needed to get to sleep because I have a full day...I never did get back to sleep
I am accepting of me these days, and I even had an awareness while I was trying to sleep, that I don't feel the same twinges of remorse when I think of times that I wasn't the stellar parent. I had a softening towards that me of many years ago.....I still don't understand why these insights need to came at 4:30am
Quote___ how helpful it is to retrain ourselves away from old habits that aren't necessarily so helpful for us. In the case of the writer, after a lifetime of rejecting that stuffed animal because she felt it represented her physical defects, at her sponsor's suggestion she showered it with love and began to see its (and her own) beauty.
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I always was of the thought that if i remove a tenant from my emotional/mental apartment, I must fill that apartment with another of MY choice b/c if i don't fill it, then something maybe undesirable will "move in" not of my choice....life can't exist in a void....that said, I "cast my burdens" steps 6-7 then I give gratitude that I am free to "feel" or "do" whatever it is i am striving for....like my fears....."I cast this burden of fear onto my HP within me and I go free to feel the love and peace of the universe"
I can relate to the stuff toy....its my *perception* how I view something that affects my how i feel and act upon something...I have been given gifts I was not too crazy about as well, but b/c someone gave me this..was kind enough to think of me to give me something, I try to look for the good in that gift, even if it means silently giving it away to a friend or relative who really really needs this more than I , I can turn that unwanted gift into a blessing for another....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you Mary and everyone who shared :) this reading made me think of a pitbull mix I fostered and ended up adopting years ago. She was bounced from home to home before I got her and separated from her mom after five years of living with her mom. They kind of pushed her off on me and what do you know I couldn't say no( at that time) I remember thinking I wanted a more attractive dog. I had a beautiful male pitbull, a pretty white female dog and wanted another "pretty" female. Well they brought her up from Kansas city and I remember thinking oh my god she's hideous. She looked like a monkey. She had a terrible underbite and the worst teeth you ever seen. She's the dog in the middle of the picture. Anyways I was surprised to find as time went on that she grew on me and I started to consider her to be beautiful in her own way. Funny how that worked out. I think my own perception of myself is still distorted at times. Growing up with such extreme perfectioinism, I often did not feel attractive enough. My love of self has gotten a lot better since joining the program and I'm actually learning to love myself. Im fould as I learned to love myself more , I stopped talking about other women's looks( a bad habit I had learned from my mom)..it didn't feel right anymore. I also found I could see one or more beautiful things in everyone I encountered. Thankyou for letting me share
Lovely share Karma Thanks for the picture as well . I adopted a full grown cat that really was very unattractive but I did see her inner beauty, filled with love I see that love in the picture you posted as well
Paula sorry your kitty spoiled your sleep but glad to see it did not affect your sense of humor or your ability to share ESH.
Thanks for sharing this, its a really good reading and i can relate to how you feel about your ex. Same old same old but its us thats different. So grateful for alanon.x
My cat jumped on my head at 3:30, so the synapse of the brain cells is a bit slow. I am happy to report that I was accepting of my irritation, followed by the anxiety that I needed to get to sleep because I have a full day...I never did get back to sleep
