The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's the constant back and forth of emotions. It's the interference and controlling issues of his parents involving my children that have resulted in serious repercussions ,and my A, their son, my husband of 20 years seems to still have no feelings of accountability. I'm new to Alanon and I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. I want so badly to reach that level of acceptance. But there are so many factors that are inhibiting me from getting there. The breakdown of our marriage , the real breakdown began years ago with him contacting an ex girlfriend that resulted with him becoming obsessed and very emotionally involved. He still to this day has not admitted to me the real reason , why he told her he would always protect her when I expressed that I had had enough of them. It was as if they were rinning it in my face. So painful. His addiction got worse over time especially when I took matters into my own hands regarding her and finally confronted her and her husband. I feel he really resents mgriot taking her( his play toy) away. His reasons that he has conveyed and what I saw mainly as the root of their little trit's was ego boosting on both parts. Narcissism. The addiction got worse, the sex went away, the fighting got so bad even physical and he was finally arrested. Went back to rehab. We saw a counselor there because I wanted answers. It seems that he only did that to come back home and he says it was all manipulation. He says he never loved me. He has used my vulnerability against me and betrayed my trust. He has shamed me and that has brought out deep buried childhood feelings I used to have because of my mother. He has no remorse, or accountability . His counselors in the past warned both of us about his controlling father. My A is like a child around his father, like a little boy seeking approval. When he once acknowledged the dysfunctional tendencies of his father, and admitted that relationship was not good, he now embraces it and is allowing the verbal and emotional abuse to be inflicted on our children and myself. Telling me I'm sick and a perpetual victim . I don't understand !!! I'm trying to move on. I still love him and I'm still in that place of sadness and failure over the marriage. He seems indifferent and ambivalent and it seems my father in law knows more about his intentions with our marriage than me. It is complete manipulation and I really feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because no one seems to see how dangerous this is for my kids who are so hopeless now and told me they don't feel like they have a Dad anymore. He even once told my son, he didn't think he was his and told my daughter she was a mistake. He has told all of us he drank because of us and we ruined his life. What in the hell do I do about this? He is in rehab again and is going to a halfway houseafter. I believe he has been kind of stringing me along and plans to file for divorce once he is out. What do I do now?! Help!!!!
Hello. Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that affects everyone in the family as you know. We don't take drugs or drink alcohol to numb the pain of all that that disease does that hurts us unlike the alcoholic who drinks and can mask some of it. I am glad you are in Al-Anon which gives you some support and encouragement that all of us need. Your last question - "What do I do now?" seems to beg another question from me that I really don't need an answer to. I do want to pose it. If you re-read everything you've written here as if your best friend or a sister was writing this, what would you want to say to them? The second question that comes to mind for me is what do you want for you? Again, I don't need an answer. I do think that perhaps the answers to those questions if you choose to ask them of yourself can reveal to you at least a partial response to "What do I do now?"
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 1st of February 2015 11:30:28 PM
Dear Catherine, welcome to MIP. It certainly sounds as if you are living with the insanity of the disease of alcoholism and I can understand your confusion, sadness, and heartbreak. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Trying to live with this disease and cope with the constant changing atmosphere, we developed many negative coping tools that hurt us in the long run.
AA is the recovery program for the person who is drinking as is the rehab he is currently in. As you know, Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members who have lived with the disease and feel as you are feeling. Breaking the isolation caused by living with an alcoholic is extremely important to rebuilding your own self-esteem and self-worth. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. It is here that I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, act and not react and be gentle with myself so as to rebuild my own self-esteem and self-worth.
It sounds as if you lost the focus of what's important to you in your life and what actions you can take in order to feel safe and secure regardless of what he does. The children require at least one healthy parent in the family in order to thrive. Al-Anon s gave me the tools to accomplish that.
I urge you to search out meetings and attend you are not alone and there is hope.
Aloha Kay and welcome to the board. Yes you have been married to an alcoholic and your life has become normally alcoholic also. Alcoholism is an disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotion; can never be cure and only arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested by total abstinence the alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety (he isn't even considering it), Insanity; sound very much like where you are at now, and death. This is a fatal disease and often it will kill those who don't drink and are still affected. This is a family disease in that alcoholism touches and affects everyone it comes into contact with it and we get just as sick or worse than the alcoholic because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality; therefore we go thru the insanity wide awake. We use to read that AMA definition of alcoholism before each and every Al-Anon meeting I attended early on and I am beyond grateful to have memorize it otherwise I might still be caught up within the disease I was born and raised within.
Glad you reached out...fear paralysis is real paralysis because this is a disease of our emotions; our feelings and if you feel that it has control over you than the real victim emotion is fear and terror. You don't know what's going on or how you got into the dark room or where the door is to get out and what is on the other side of the door. (from my fear emotion experiences). There are solutions and the fear is temporary as the evidence here is that all of us have been there and found the way out. For me the way out started by finding the face to face Family Groups where I lived and just kept going to meetings daily for 90 days until I could understand anything different than what I thought I was up against. A disease??!! I came to understand. I also came to understand that if it took me years to become entrenched in the disease it would also take a long time to recover from it and then what else did I have was time...one day at a time.
Stick with MIP for as long as you can tonight and read, read, read. Read what happened to us, what we found out and what it is like for us now. This site is not called MIRACLES IN PROGRESS for no reason. I know many miracles here that give me hope on a daily basis that the disease of alcoholism will never ever take my mind, body, spirit and emotions away again. Keep coming back. Trust. (((((hugs)))))
I have been to three meetings thus far. Today my kids went to visit him and when I have gone the two times I went, it set me back and the emotional vacuum got me again. He is a total gas lighter and he uses the traditions and steps to bend in accordance to his own narrative. He is actually manipulating them to use against me. Telling me things like I should not have any expectations of him at all and if I do, then it's my fault if I get upset if he doesn't deliver what I expect. This came from my trying to hold him accountable as a parent. One of my friends in AA gave me some keen advice. She said that , " He has never lived up to his responsibilities and I keep pushing him expecting him to change over and over. So in essence who is the crazy one?" He is being consistent in his behavior and I keep expecting this epiphany! That is insane!
To answer the question to myself, what do I want? In essence, I want a life less conflicted. I want to share my life with someone I can trust and doesn't make me feel like a second or third choice. I want someone who doesn't make me feel like they are sizing me up and thinking how I attracted they are to me and going over their list of all my flaws both personally and physically. No man I've ever been in a relationship with tore me apart and tore me down like this guy. Making me feel inferior to that woman . I sincerely believe there were others and I have found things that most definitely raise red flags . He became quite shaken when confronted about a message I found from another ex describing what he was like in bed. I even called her and asked her about it. Denial and attack mode. That shreaks guilt to me. Yet he continues his denial and even after all that was exposed his father now changes his opinion going as far as to tell my children something is wrong with me and I made it all up. I've got photos, texts, emails and a hotel address. I resent being labeled crazy and invalidated and dismissed. I have held a high pressure management position with a huge corporation for over three years now during which time his little affairs were exposed and my mother dying all simultaneously . I've driven my position to be the highest producer in the state and last year I won the company's most coveted award for excellence. Truthfully? It's bittersweet because my kids have paid the price for having to work so hard at my job because deadbeat hasn't worked in almost 4 years . Stayed home on the phone I pay for s*** talking me to his girlfriends and drug buddies. Sorry!!! I'm getting worked up, but I'm really angry about how disregarded I feel and I want respect!!! I deserve it! In my worst day , I am 10 times the person he will ever be. I have always been there for my kids. I guess it's the rejection after all I've done for him and I feel that I'm losing years of my life and I want them back!!! If he does not want me he needs to get on with it and stop with the mixed messages. But then the reality of what he is now , a stranger , coupled with his inability to be industrious is something that has always made me angry. I don't want to continue life the way I have been handling relationships. I want a healthy relationship. I'm afraid I'll never find one and I'm running out of time I feel. Looks don't last forever, I'm 49 but I'm still a looker! Haha! I realized talking to him isn't good for me. But he still intimidates the hell out if me and I want to learn to stop him in his tracks with that one . Thanks for allowing me to share. Sometimes I just need someone to know what I'm going through because my own family members and his treat me AND TELL me it's my fault. That's really hard to hear when I'm in so much pain over this. My kids have no empathy for me or respect anymore either. My in laws told them I am crazy and they should stay away from me as much as possible . But now, after causing some serous problems for my son and college entry, they've cut and run and yes, zero accountability. Total arrogance . What do I do with that ?
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 2nd of February 2015 07:32:50 AM
I just read your bio and I'm overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions for all you have been through. I totally get the whole loving the person thing because I've alwaysget that way. For the times he was ok, not using, things were good. I miss that a lot . Relapse is is that unwelcomed visitor knocking at your door all hours of the day and night . I know it well.IBM so sorry for your loss and I will pray that you find continued peace forever.
Welcome and as I'm sure you are seeing, there is such support and strength here among people who have lived or are living lives similar to yours. One of the statements that was such a relief to me that I heard at an Alanon meeting early on was-'living with an active alcoholic is too much for most people' (to handle on their own, I think is the rest of that). Going to meetings, reading, support and taking care of yourself are all positive ways to figure out what might be next for you.
What I read in your post that stuck out to me was the word 'narcissism'. I do think that that trait is often one associated with alcoholics.
I am glad you are here; keep coming back. You are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your true thoughts and feelings with us here. I can relate to so much of what you are saying and I feel empathy and compassion for you. We keep trying and trying and hoping and hoping that the good times will increase and they don't and the nightmare we are living feels overwhelming to us. What you are describing are the same experiences many of us have gone through and healed through with the help of the program, too. I learned with my x that trying to hold him accountable on any level was a waste of my time and energy. I chose to cut my losses and move on through the healing process I needed with people who understood me and were there with and for me. It took time to heal and I'm still healing but fortunately I was not destroyed by this disease. I was the person I was looking for and I found myself again with the program and other healthy supports and relationships. No amount of money or professional success could help me recover from the affects of the disease on my mind and heart and emotions. My HP, program effort and fellowship friends make and made a big difference for me. Sending you lots of encouragement and support as you continue your attendance in meetings and coming back here, too.
Dear Catherine, thank you for your insightful responses to each of us. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely difficult and learning to use the Al-Anon tools is the most important gift I could've given myself.
In reading your follow-up I would like to point out that your many assets, including your ability to support yourself and be a leader in your company, indicates that you are an intelligent, educated, professional woman who deserves to have the love, support, understanding of a caring partner.
Your friend who suggested that expecting your spouse to magically change and be responsible to his family, after being unsupportive through the time of your relationship, is correct . This is called :"unrealistic expectations." This is not unusual, I know that I tried to deny the reality of my situation, in order to try to force the alcoholic to behave as I thought he should. It does not work.
Al-Anon offered me tools that allowed me to accept the reality that I was living in, so that I could have the courage to act in my own best interest.
Keeping the focus on yourself, letting go of expectations of an alcoholic, your many assets, your courage and wisdom will lead you in the right direction.
Kay just worry about yourself and your children. It is best not
To get into a new relationship for 2-3 years till you are totally
Healed otherwise we just find tbe wrong one and are not yet
Emotionally healthy. Put your HP first ,then you, then your
Children. Let God deal with your AH he has his own HP.
I understand your journey i am in the midst myself but my
Ah is dry. I have a lot of parralells to your story. I have no
Children though. My real healing did not start till after
Ah left me. i was then out of most of the abuse. You need to be
Out of it to really heal and trust again. It all takes time.
Keep attending alanon, go to an addiction therapist if you can,
The crazymaking and gas lighting are terrible for our self
Esteem and self worth. i did not do anything different after
Therapy but i had validation it was not me or about me.
Thats where the real changes start when you start absorbing,
Learning and listening at alanon. It takes awhile to start to
Change. You get constructive tools on how to live and grow,
For yourself and your children.
My path is so very similar to yours. I was so distracted (still am) by the childhood sweetheart and I tried everything that I could think of to reason with my husband but I slowly came to see that his reality was not going to match with mine and therefore no amount of reasoning was going to cut through the narcissism. I still try but I try to look after myself more these days.
As someone who has been very independent and professional in my life I am stunned by how much the abuse has disabled my thinking and eventually my actions as well. The 'not knowing' kept me hooked. It is only when I left that there was any change at all but to be honest, after trying to save my marriage for an additional five years, I am left with a feeling that I don't want this marriage after all. I am not sure that I can sit with someone who cheated on me while I was looking after my dying mother and then says that it was my fault. (I imagine that might sound familiar!!) Talking to others in Alanon has helped me to look at my situation more objectively. Looking at friends and how they relate to their spouses, and to others, has helped me to realise that my situation is not the only way that it has to be. I can change my situation if I want to. I make an effort to focus on myself and that includes asking myself 'what do I want to do today? what would I be doing if AH was not around?' Rebuilding my own self esteem is very important to me.
Reading your post I want to agree, from the rooftops if possible, that you (we) deserve so much better, it is not your (my) fault at all, and you (I) will come to enjoy life. We are learning so much and it is wonderful to see you reaching out and changing your thinking. I'm right along side you.
Kay, first off...welcome. I can see alanon may be your salvation. There is so much addictive toxic stuff your are describing. It does seem that you have been gravely affected by his addiction and lack of being the husband you desire. Remember, addiction runs in families and all family members are affected. His parents have their own role in things as far as enabling and being affected too. They will always side with their son as that is their blood....as illogical and obvious as his poor choices and behavior are.
It sounds like you are a dynamic and capable woman. I hear that you have some insecurities and he has picked up on them, honed in on them, and is using them to continue this cycle. You are not old...49 is fairly young. You seem to have a lot going for you and I hear this is really really dragging you down.
You say you are paralyzed by fear? Of what? To me I am hearing that this man does almost nothing positive for you, is full of contempt, acts spiteful and hateful, is disloyal... You said you love him still? Not hearing much to love. Alanon is a place where you can really get some clarity and objectively see if your actions are helping you or hurting you. This man is showing you over and over again who he is and you are still collecting data and evidence to prove he is a cheat and a liar and someone not worthy of trust. You think confronting and catching him in the act is going to change anything? It hasn't yet right?
It is a really difficult recovery journey that many of us make in alanon to try and figure out why we chase after love that is not being offered to us...why we seek it from unavailable people and sick people who seem unlikely or unable to change. I do know that when I did this and I stated I loved the person, I didn't really love them like I thought. I was in love with the idea of what I wanted them to be. True and healthy romantic love would be celebrating and cherishing who the romantic partner/mate ALREADY IS.
I hear much inner turmoil in your post but it does not seem all bad. It seems that things are coming to a head in which the dysfunction is at intolerable levels and you feel you have to do something different - hence the fear you described. You talk of fear of change because you are getting older and such....I don't think 49 is old at all, but even so, how much more time do you want to spend being miserable and angry in this relationship? I am not saying to just up an walk out or end things now, but please stay active in alanon and work on disengaging with him.
Right now, I don't see much good coming from communicating. Work your alanon program and let him do or not do whatever. There is no need to respond to the insanity he has going on or to try and reason with his distorted addict logic or get involved with the twisted enabling relationship he has with his parents. It does stink that they get your kids involved with this, but alanon has tools for responding to that and setting boundaries without arguing or losing your serenity. Prayers for you! I hear similarities in your story and that of many others who have come here and really changed and benefited from Alanon. There is hope.
I am overwhelmed and so grateful to be acknowledged. What seems to be the greatest quality I'm experiencing here and in Alanon, is that so many people have the rare gift of true empathy. This world isso full of self entitlement. Accountability has been mentioned several times by many of you. I absolutely believe my husband is a dual diagnosis and has NPD tendencies/traits. Narcissism.
The biggest red flag is the lack of empathy and accountability .
I have tried and tried to no avail to invoke empathy. He is not accountable for anything either.
He will not learn accountability through empathy because that is as foreign to him as Oprah's book club list.
Not that he isn't an avid reader, he is. He has many remarkable qualities , and knowledge on so much literature, history and politics. He can be very charismatic and is still very handsome at 52. I never expected him to make a million dollars. Or buy me a new Mercedes Kompressor every year, or allow me to run off every weekend with my girlfriends while I kept up with a very inconsistent career because , well, I just wanted a Sugar Daddy. Like her.
I have not yet reached that point of resigning myself to the fact that what happened , happened and more than likely in the back of his mind , all this time he was planning to get involved with her again. I'm not sure what it is between them. I believe for her, she being a malignant narcissist as well, she thought he would always be available , waiting in the wings, but very shockingly she learned he had moved on . She even sent me an email telling me how he was her first love and she never wanted to let him go, but could not stay with him out of self preservation. Translation- he wasn't worth the effort. Too much work. So years later, " Facebook" the back stage pass to the ruin of any relationship came into play. She looked him up and saw how well he was doing, and I think she had regrets , big time. So she set out to see if she could get his attention and maybe more and I believe it was for two reasons . Her ego, and to let me know who really was number one . Well he absolutely gave her both.
I tried to warn him of what she was doing . He actually used to whine to me about her. I really believe he was in love. In counselling he was advised to write her a letter and take her down by recanting every statement he made giving her a sense of power . This is what was one of my demands in order to continue therapy and marriage counselling. He promised. He even said in therapy that she knew it hurt me that she had control over him and she liked that it hurt me.
My response to him was , "Do you realize you and she are cut from the same cloth" neither of you are in any way evolved despite your marriages and having children and what that means for other people. You and she are very flawed. You know you are different and you are not quite sure how to find it because your arrogance and narcissism won't allow you to look within yourself. Neither of you can peel back those masks and really look at your scars.That is an emptiness I never want to know. To never be able to say , I love you, and really mean it and the only thing that gives you pleasure is frivolity , pomp and circumstance, like your whole life is a running feature film where you are the star, and all you care about is seeing your close up on the big silver screen .
I think what it is, is that he has painted me as some kind if pitiful desperate housewife in her robe all day. Terrified of losing him and he has conveyed the image of her as he sees her to her as glamourously sexy and he wants to be in bed with her. He made me feel like a fish wife and her like a Victoria Secret Model , which by the way, she is not. She is very average and does not have my spirit or my humor or my fire. Not even close. I wanted my power back. I wanted her exposed by him telling me everything. He won't and this conveys to me he is protecting her as he vowed he always would. So it's total betrayal and I am seething that she may be snickering to herself thinking, I can get him whenever I want and that has been the single biggest factor in me forgiving him or letting it go because I will not allow him to be my husband without full transparency or leaving me to believe he is really in love with her. Damn him. I want to rise above them all and leave them in a billowy soot of train exhaust. I want to be free like Denzel Washington in the movie flight!! He just let go and accepted and trusted fate. His fight was over. I want that too. I want to be so free that I feel nothing at all, no pain, no resentment, nothing. I don't want him to matter at all to me at all. Complete indifference is my goal . Maybe in time I can make a place for him in my life according to my rules.
Thank you all so much!!! Oh and the irony of all of this is, I'm a team builder, I interview assess and mentor people in their technical abities and communication abilities and help them get past the little voice in their head anderradicate old habits to achieve success. I'm a Servant Leader. I work through empathy and motivation . The irony.
You can take your power back and be free of all this if you choose it. I can relate in many ways and can relate in thinking I was winning by staying with my cheating exAH, but really I had no self esteem or self worth to think I deserved better treatment. I am glad you found us at MIP and I hope you win this battle within by choosing your recovery. Nobody wins in these circumstances, only misery and chaos reigns in an alcoholic home. Take good care of you. Al-anon meetings and a couple books started me on a wonderful life changing journey, first the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The 3 daily readers I bought in my face to face meetings help me set my day up on a positive note. I used to feel like a fake and a fraud on the path I used to walk, but now I have cleared out all the gunk by working the steps with my sponsor and I have truly broken free. Sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 2nd of February 2015 09:38:21 PM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome to ala non. Sometimes I think weak people break strong people to gain power. The fishwife Victoria's secret model dynamic he tried to create, oh i can relate. also we love we care we lose self control nag yell etc they start to resent us. Time to detangle yourself. Hard but possible, keep coming back.
In our program, the first step encourages us to admit that we are powerless and that our lives have become unmanageable. At first, I thought this only applied to my x and his disease and unloving ways of behaving. Later, I realized that I could also apply this step to the other people in my life over whom I was also powerless - whether or not they were alcoholics/addicts. I wanted what I wanted and put myself through so much suffering and anxiety trying to make a marriage work that really just wasn't working. In fact, 36 years later I know it would have never worked. I had to let go of what I wanted that truly wasn't working for me so that I could discover what would and did.
I see you want to fly free of this dysfunctional relationship. Practicing the first step might help you? It did help me.
Thank you so much for your support. My emotions are so completely schizophrenic, like Jekyll and Hyde. I go back and forth. I just dont want to love him anymore. I need for it to stop.
Hugs and Welcome, .. you have already gotten so much good ESH .. all I can say is been there done that .. the final straw for me came of hitting my own bottom when I realized my children were more afraid of me than their dad. I mean after all Dad drinks what's wrong with mom was some of the talk. When I started going to Alanon meetings face to face working my own program no matter how crooked the line, .. I started realizing how bad our relationship was and seriously speaking my HP did for me what I could not do for myself. It didn't make it hurt less. It just meant I could start to deal with me and what I had gone through and put others through. If he files for divorce .. he files for divorce .. the questions I asked myself were and are what is in my own best interests, how can I protect the kids and myself. My X has said some seriously stupid things to the kids and continues to do so and is baffled that when he snaps his fingers they don't come running .. they are 15 and 10. Very wise as well .. both have been in counseling for a while now. I'm grateful big time. For myself the last 3 years has been a journey of self discovery, healing and finding hope, regaining my faith and forging a stronger bond with the God of my understanding. Alanon was a life saver and a live giver as well. I still stumble around .. lol .. at least it's not totally in the dark.
I'm so sorry for the pain and confusion of what you are going through because it sucks green rotten eggs .. it does .. I can promise if you do the work on yourself things have a way of turning around. So I want you to know that what feels like the depths of despair today will get better.
Anyway, glad you are here and hope you will keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I also relate to the irony Kay. Many of us here are social workers, counselors....nurses. It would seem we should know how to take better care of ourselves. What is actually the case is that we probably care too much about others in a way that is to the detriment of ourselves. You sound so very bright and you have put so much energy into analyzing, framing, and trying to understand your sick partner and his sick ex that it is really hurting you and overcomplicating your life with negativity and pain. I think your goal of indifference is pretty much on the money and it is synonymous with detachment. The next step would just be to take the actions that will lead you to a healthier spot. You don't stop a habit without replacing it with something else. In this case, all that attention to the relationship that is not working may be better off put into alanon, the folks in alanon, nurturing healthy and caring friendship and so forth. This will allow you to detach because you'll have other people, friends, and a program to pay attention to and the pull of him and his craziness will get less and less. I hope to hear more from you! Wishing you peace.
You have received so much great experience, strength and hope from our MIP family members. I really hope you are able to make it to some face to face al-anon meetings and start changing the things you can. Sending you so much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm sorry you are struggling Kay. I am leaving my narcissistic alcoholic husband this week. I've been in Al Anon for 3 years and I've learned a lot about why I am the way I am and what drew me to him and why I stayed. There are lots of books out there that can help you, some of which are not Al Anon literature that I read. I was a shell of myself when I came on these boards. I thought I was in love and I had to learn how to detach and then I had to learn how to detach with love. It was a process and I finally realized that I didn't want to live this roller coaster life with him anymore. We didn't have the other woman problem, but his personality and control and misogynistic attitudes were killing me on the inside. I felt that I had given my heart and soul to someone who, then, turned around and asked me for more when I had nothing left to give. He has an empty hole in his heart and was looking to me to fill that hole and I couldn't do it. It wasn't my job and it took me a long time to realize that.
I had nothing left when I came here. I was a shell of a woman. No self esteem. No joy (I could fake happy, that was easy). No peace. And, no serenity. I was a mousy people pleasing doormat and I did whatever I could to keep the peace, maintain order, control our home environment so that none of us suffered from his wrath or his binges or his criticism, etc. I tried to make sure that I was so perfect so that I wouldn't be a victim of his tirades or his outbursts. If I was just perfect enough. I never felt enough.
I learned in this program and through working my program with a sponsor these things: I AM ENOUGH. God loves me and so do others. I deserve to live in a home where there is no addiction or dysfunction. I learned that I don't have to live with emotional abuse, verbal abuse, or spiritual abuse. I learned where my dysfunction came from and I addressed it and yes, it was damn painful and hurt. It has been a long journey and I'm stepping out in faith now to start a new life for myself.
I had all the good things that I needed. A great house, lots of travel, luxury cars, country club membership, etc. I gave it all up. I cancelled the club last month, traded in my Lexus for a Toyota, signed a lease for a cute small rental home, and every time I walk into that rental I feel peace. I have no job(gave up my job as a stockbroker), I've homeschooled my son and stayed home with him for 16 years. The pain of staying had become greater than the pain of leaving.
Hugs to you today. I know you are hurting. We all were when we came here. Confused and wondering how in the h*ll did we get here? Sending you lots of support, keep going to those meetings and keep coming back!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
The main problem is loving an addict then we get as crazy
Trying to live with them and loving them. We can only help
ourselves not them. Hand your ah over to his HP thats all
You can do.
Help yourself, self care and self love are the real
Hard things to learn after abuse. Then trusting your HP to
Hand over your will. Those are three really big things to
Learn in order to grow and change what we can.
You can not help the addict. I can not help mine and he
Has been dry for 30 years. It is his journey of facing
Himself or not. My ah attends AA but i have seen no internal
changes and he has been attending for three years.
He needs to look in the mirror and admit to himself he
Needs help and be willing. That will be monumental,
In the mean time we are getting divorced and he is
Having his second entitlement affair.
Well. Mine is 52 and he still thinks he's a frat boy. I hate the way he disrespects me by saying I love you. I think it's when he stopped caring about where I was or what I was doing that really hit me hard. I had a flat late one night and he refused tohelpme. Just stayed home and got drunk. I had to walk home in the rain. This is the pain I can't shake. He used to care and I want to release myself of this torment . It took 25 years to get to where I am. It's going to be a journey. But I'm ready.
I was thinking of you this morning and I thought that I would share some of the practical things that I did for myself to help quiet my mind and anxiety They may not be relevant for you, but they helped me get started on my journey
Hobbies - I took up things that I had enjoyed in younger days.
Meditation - I then found that yoga and mindfulness helped me to catch my negative thought patterns and let them slide past.
Treats - massages, painted nails, weekend breaks, a new hair style etc.
Socialising - seeing friends and having fun together. For example I have just come back from a three day walking holiday with an old chum.
Simplifying - I have a great tendency to distract myself with a multitude of things and sometimes end up frazzled by all the choices so I have ditched things that felt like chores to me, unless they were things that enhanced my well being of course!
Returning to my roots - I 'speak' with my mother, who died a few years ago, almost every day. I guess it is a little like talking to ones ancestors! Anyway, she has always been a great mentor, benchmark and sounding board for me and I still enjoy our quiet time and benefit from what I think might be her opinions on a regular basis. (Thanks Mum!)
I love that you are realising that actually you can shake that pain - but perhaps not in the way that you initially envisaged. I am only a couple of years old that you - isn't it amazing that we are still learning after all this time?!
