The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I attended m very first al-anon meeting about a year and a half ago I remember talking very quietly. I was worried my A was standing behind me, or perhaps outside the door or the window, perhaps he was listening or perhaps someone would report to him what I said. I kept looking around, expecting to see him lurking. I couldn't quite accept the idea that I was free to speak without dreading the potential consequences. When I realised that I really could speak freely and without fear, I was quite elated. It was like having my shackles removed for a short time when I attended meetings. I now know that they were self imposed shackles and I could have removed them any time I wanted to.
I am reminded of this tonight as I sit here a free adult woman in her own home. I keep typing quietly, glancing around, thinking I hear him stirring, worrying about having the radio playing quietly, pannicking when the cat makes noise, or my chair creaks loudly and then suddenly realising, I can move freely. I am not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm a 38 year old woman and if i want to stay up late on a Saturday night and listen to a radio and move about my home comfortably, I am absolutely free to do so. No-body knows or cares. No-one is going to tell me to go to bed or, be drunk and demand that I stay awake all night and give them all of my energy. It's quite difficult to get my head around this wonderful, wonderful freedom. Is this what I set in motion all those months ago when I crept into my first meeting and guiltily whispered my shameful secrets?
It's pretty cool.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
as I sit here a free adult woman in her own home. I keep typing quietly, glancing around, thinking I hear him stirring, worrying about having the radio playing quietly, pannicking when the cat makes noise, or my chair creaks loudly and then suddenly realising, I can move freely. I am not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm a 38 year old woman and if i want to stay up late on a Saturday night and listen to a radio and move about my home comfortably, I am absolutely free to do so. No-body knows or cares. No-one is going to tell me to go to bed or, be drunk and demand that I stay awake all night and give them all of my energy. It's quite difficult to get my head around this wonderful, wonderful freedom.
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I remember my FIRST night in my own little flat, when i left abusive AH#1......I didn't know what to DO!!!! I remember drawing my first bath....filling the tub alll the way up and pouring bubble bath in it and just SOAKING....as LONG as I wanted to soak.....i , too, was waiting for that knock on the door or banging on the door, "when are you gonna be done??? U gonna sit there all night????" i didn't hear that....it was a relief...
I rescued a lab puppy soon after and having him as my roomate was wonderful...he became quite protective of me and I could bathe w/the door open, "Bob" lying by the side of the tub in this TEENY flat, that i had to really really work on to make it cute b/c it was soo ugly when i first moved in.....but the freedom to watch what I wanted on tv...to listen to my tunes....to play w/my pet, got a cat later and I had TWO best buddies to play with...they slept in my bed w/me.....It was wonderful.......I enjoyed getting up in the mornng...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh that was the other thing Nesh, when i woke this morning, my very first morning waking alone in my own home, I realised as soon as I opened my eyes that I didn't have that knotted up sick feeling in my stomach that I have become so used to starting every day with. I have woken up with a vague feeling of dread and fear every day for so long that I had come to hate going to sleep and often stayed up far too late at night just because i wanted to avoid it. This morning I just felt rested and peaceful. I look forward to more mornings like that.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh do I remember my first place 4 years ago just me, my kids and animals, once I truly settled in the peace and tranquility was amazing! I had bald eagles that used to land on a huge old birch tree outside my tiny beach cottage in the early morning hours and I knew I was free at last! I'm so proud and happy for you! Sending you loves s support always!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
No Bald Eagles here BF, instead the new day is heralded by chortling magpies on the lawn. I love their songs
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I am so happy for you Mel! enjoy it, treasure it - make it a part of who you are and don't let anyone take it away from you. I like this concept: no one comes into my house and throws excrement on my walls - I value and cherish my space like I never knew it could be valued and it is up to me to safeguard the treasure that it is! So happy for you!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
So happy for you Melly! It reminds me of when I get rid of a really bad sinus headache. I walk around for a few hours wincing, and then realizing it doesn't hurt anymore!
Good reminder Mel. I have worked a hard 8-5 job to qualify myself for my own little home, and God has blessed me with that. I also work on my Alanon program daily and remind myself I must be cautious not to put another in my life, whether it be a family member, friend, or significant other that will ruin my serenity that took so long to realize. Freedom to be who you are and who you want to become is a treasure....linsc
Lol, there was a loud bang in the kitchen just before. I froze for a moment, waiting for A to start yelling. He didn't of course because he isn't here and I went to investigate. Under the sink there are some cupboards and it looks like there are drawers but all but one of them are not drawers anymore, the drawer parts have long since been removed and the front part of them glued back onto the cabinet, "false drawers". Anyway I didn't know this when I moved in and had pulled on the handles thinking the drawers would open. And as I had weakened them one just randomly popped off and fell onto the floor with a bang. When I saw it I froze again, in my mind I was anticipating A's angry reaction and formulating a way to calm him down!!!
I wonder how long it will take until I have my own reactions to things instead of automatically anticipating his reaction and trying to mentally prepare to placate him.
I literally anticipate HIS reaction before even having one of my own. It's very strange.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Good on you Mell...and thanks for the "Freedom" memories. My first one was laying in bed in a house co- owned by my mom and step-dad and in the darkness trying to count the holes in the ceiling tiles and then coming to the realization that I could not sleep because I wasn't laying wrapped around my alcoholic/addict. We wee apart and I thought of the very vest next thing in asking my Higher Power to come lay down next to me and hold me so that I could sleep and when I felt that happening I dropped off quickly and slept free of worry and trouble. In the morning I woke up and chanted out loud, "Free at last, free at last....Thank GOD!!, I'm free at last". Today I'm grateful for the reminder of that cause I know my HP is...always and my alcoholic/addict was never a substitute higher power. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
SO HAPPY for you, you deserve your freedom! Also gives me reminders of what I'm living with and why I'm making plans for change. Thank you for sharing your story!
Mel your place sounds like my run down beach cottage, I rented it for cheap because the floors were sagging and it needed major work, but it was a beautiful place and I healed there and got through my PTSD and now hardly ever feel triggered. Yes my exAH always came first to my mind also and before him it was my Mother. The mind is a powerful thing and when it is given a healthy place to heal and time to relax it can and will do marvelous things. I am so glad you are here sharing this journey! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
That was a powerful share BF. I know i have done most of my healing in the last
Six months. It took getting out of the abuse to begin to heal on The inside. I
Did not have ptsd but was traumatized and emotionally and verbally abused.
Intellectually i knew what had been happening and the reasons, its the emotional,
mental, spiritual self that needs inner healing. Too much hurt and damage has been
done by Bad and sick people. They like to inflict their pain onto others. Now i stay
Away from them and only connect with healthy normal people as best as i can.
I hope you can keep your tormenters at bay so you can heal on the inside out!
