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I did it today. I signed divorce papers. He went back to gf last night so I had to follow through. I'm trying not to cry but it hasn't really hit me yet. I'm just trying to make it through one day.
It took courage to do this Ellen, this is no small thing. Now, easy does it, stay close here, go to your meetings and live one hour at a time, if one day at a time is too much.
tears can be healing. my ah served me with papers 2 weeks ago. i knew it was coming but it still requires grief and adjustments in awareness of myself as no longer a married woman.
be gentle with yourself.
stay close to program folks.
you will make it.
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
I did it today. I signed divorce papers. He went back to gf last night so I had to follow through. I'm trying not to cry but it hasn't really hit me yet. I'm just trying to make it through one day.
Ellen
GOOD!!!! let him go vex and cheat on and make HER miserable......Sorry, but this gal knew he was married or had to suspect, so i have no sympathy for her.......Ellen, I know it hurts....It STINKS to have a dream go down the latrine, but really...What did you lose???? an alcoholic.....a cheater.....a potential STD distributor.....a JERK....a BUM!!!!!!
I know i am saying some hard stuff, but When you go to bed at night...(this helped me) when i broke up w/ AH#1, i felt like my life was a failure...failed dreams..failed ideals, etc...all the stuff....and I wrote myself a letter exactly WHAT i was dumping....wrote it down.....All the crap he did to me....All the misery, running out in my T-shirt to get away from him, being picked up by the cops in my PJ's b/c i had to "dash" to get away from him.....
Don't know if he cheated..I would think he did not, but i don't know for sure......all i know is my life is cleaner, safer, healthier, better, more serene, just BETTER...without alcoholics in my life.......
This WILL get better for you.....it will......ya see how much marriage meant??? he is back w/ g.f.....so much for remourse and sorrow for what he did to you.....
You are SO much better than what he had to offer......Just saying.....AND sending hugs of support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you everyone. I am trying to take it slow. I need a meeting. I will try online later tonight. I'm reading Toby Rice Drews book. Also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I just need hope my life will be ok. It is very hard coming to the realization that 39 years with him is over.
I just need hope my life will be ok. It is very hard coming to the realization that 39 years with him is over.
Dear Ellen
how can your life NOT get better w/out this milestone around your neck??? I know, it seems like a horrendous loss now and it IS..the loss of a dream, the death of a dream all women have when they walk down the isle....the lost ideals.....yea, its hard now, but if you stick w/alanon and get out and hang out w/other alanons and other healthy people, you have your school, you have , must have, some friends.....just take it easy on you....you have us listening.....and i know, 39 years is a looong time, but life is temporary...in all things, nothing lasts forever....its sad it ended this way.....
take it easy on you.....just try to do "life" in "chunks" one hour at a time....do stuff that is nice for you....get your nails done or a new hair do....or what do YOU like to do......its time for Ellen to be Ellen's best friend.......i am so so sorry someone could do this to a nice lady like you.....so very sad, this whole story, but what goes around comes around and you keep putting out good energy, good energy comes back to you.....and meetings, find a sponsor who can help you with the steps, even an online sponsor will do if fac2fac you can't find one....and its time for Ellen to start her new life w/out all this misery.......sending you SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
In a few months, I am betting you will be more like "Yay! Those 39 years are over!" It's a shocking and profound change that will take adjusting to and you will also need support. Furthermore, it is pushing you way out of your comfort zone but you will be much stronger and better off for it.
All relationships end in some kind of death, Ellen. Yours was the death of a marriage to a man who didn't honor, respect or consider you. It can feel like heck for awhile and then - one day - it can end up like PC says. You did your best. That is all that is required. He was not worthy of you. No man who consistently cheats on his wife to me is worthy of a woman who has honored her part of the contract with him. One time can happen and maybe there is enough good that both partners can agree to work it through and rebuild trust. Beyond that - its a choice a person is making that is continually self-centered and self-seeking. We can't be married to a person who is not truly married to us. You did well today, Ellen. You've done all you can. You're not alone. You can re-create yourself and your life in ways and with people who are capable and willing to honor themselves and to honor you. This is the end of a painful existence for you. It is the beginning of a new life.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 29th of January 2015 03:57:31 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 29th of January 2015 03:58:40 PM
Ellen, your marriage was over a long time ago, you lived together for 39 years. How do you feel about yourself after living with him for 39 years? You aren't ok now, yet, you have a golden opportunity to be ok, if, you do the work of recovery.
Ellen, your marriage was over a long time ago, you lived together for 39 years. How do you feel about yourself after living with him for 39 years? You aren't ok now, yet, you have a golden opportunity to be ok, if, you do the work of recovery.
OHH Ellen, this is SO spot on what PP says......you "lived with him" but you really weren't married....a marriage is NOT what you described to us how he has been....that is not a marriage.....its legally living w/someone who abuses...cheats....puts your health at risk......think about it....39 years , yea, you were physically together, but really, in your heart of hearts, was it really a marriage?????? and as PP says, "you have a golden opportunity to be ok, if, you do the work of recovery" AMEN!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Paula and Neshema, you are both so right. I lived with him. Not really a marriage. Especially these last 2 years. It just so hard letting go. I know it will take time. I'm crying because my ideals are smashed. He never really believed in marriage. I know I'm taking it by the minute right now. He just left with his clothes. I guess that's why it's hitting me right now. Thanks for hugs and support.
Paula and Neshema, you are both so right. I lived with him. Not really a marriage. Especially these last 2 years. It just so hard letting go. I know it will take time. I'm crying because my ideals are smashed. He never really believed in marriage. I know I'm taking it by the minute right now. He just left with his clothes. I guess that's why it's hitting me right now. Thanks for hugs and support.
Ellen
((((((((((((((((((((Ellen)))))))))))))))))) you are SUCH a NICE lady, I know HP/Creator has GOOD things in store for you, but you needed this spiritual and mental "house cleaning" to happen first....as Mark said, (paraphrasing) you will, in time, look back and say "WOW....didn't know my life could improve so much".....I know its hard to see now, but you are better off...waay better off , and you've got adultery as cause, so you should do OK in settlement.......hope your lawyer is the son of JAWS!!!!!! Or a big toothed daughter of him
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
((((Ellen))) I know it's hard. i am going through my second divorce so i understand. You are a strong woman. Good job. remember to take care of yourself.
((((Ellen)))) its supposed to hurt...Its a loss and you mentioned crying because your ideals are smashed. What a right-on awareness. Ideals signify that what we hold best and dearest such as a successful marriage and also the willingness to work as hard as necessary which we feel is within us to up hold the dream. Crying under the circumstances is normal and expected...so is throwing a tantrum as dramatic as you can and then stop and scream BAH!! and go get some chocolate cherry ice cream while you read up on subjects like letting go and letting God and Acceptance and humor. This is temporary. It took you 35 years to reach a temporary situation and the chance to recover your ideals. In support (((((hugs)))))
I'm on my second marriage (the one to AW). But, I described the whole divorce process from W#1 as "slow walking trip through a desert." You're not exactly sure when you're going to finish walking thru it, but you know - ultimately - you'll come to the end of it.
Congrats! You've reached an "oasis" in the desert, if not the end of the desert itself.
Thanks Rumblefish. Nice analogy. Oasis in the desert. I don't feel like a beautiful oasis. I feel like I'm in a deep pile of quicksand. I'm trying not to struggle cuz I'm going deeper. I'm just so exhausted tonight I am just going to go to bed. Alone!! That is sad to me. I want to reach out for him and he is now dead to me!!
Love that Lundy Bancroft book, it really opened my eyes to what I was living with and why I put up with it for so long. You will be ok sweetie! I understand feeling like you're in quicksand because I feel that way too today. I just have to remember that today doesn't last forever. Next year, things in your life will look very different. Praying for you and for you to have peace!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Grateful. I did sleep. Maybe not well but I did manage to close my eyes. I kept waking up to look at the clock. At least it wasn't for him. I did cry a bit last night but it's because I cannot believe my world is crashing again. I have to go through the grief process again. At least I have reached the acceptance stage quicker. It's over. I have to keep telling myself that. He cannot get better unless he stops drinking and gets help. I cannot do it for him. only he can get to that point on his own. I guess it's up to girl friend. Not really. It's up to him.
(((E))) No matter what he does or doesn't do, you have chosen to set yourself free of something that was damaging to you. I hope you treat yourself today to something that will comfort you or help lift your spirits a bit. You are a courageous and self-respecting woman who said "enough is enough" in your own way and did something about it for your sake. Some folks never get to that point and live their whole lives in a toxic relationship - afraid to make any change at all. You are not one of those folks. Good for you.
Yes I'm trying to work through the day without texting or calling him. I will not dwell on him.
I have plans with family later. Grandson has a basketball game. Hopefully he will NOT show up. It's suppose to be a big game with lots going on. I will be with daughter and son-in-law along with grand kids. Just need to stay busy.
I just read your last post and like Paula, my suggestion is the same. Every time you feel the urge to contact him, reach out to Al-Anon members or MIP. I'm not an A, so I don't know how they help each other abstain. In Al-Anon, I think we can help each other abstain from picking up that phone or getting in the car to do a drive by reminding one another that there are other options and that we don't have to try to abstain from harmful habits by ourselves. Keep reaching out to the fellowship, Ellen.
I do have someone from alanon that I can contact. I will try that when I get hime today. At work I come to this site. I can respond while the kids are working on assignments.
I do feel the urge to contact him. I am fighting it. It's so overwhelming to feel all these emotions. I keep crying. I'm trying to focus on the kids so I don't think about him.
it is so hard to realize that family does not come first to him. It does for me. That is the way I was raised. Family before anything else. It is so hard to understand the alcoholic way of thinking. I never saw it before marrying him. I was raised to stand by your man no matter what. Take it, fix it. I have learned that I cannot fix it. I cannot stand by him either.
How do we do all this on our own. I do not have girl friends to fall back on. My kids are supportive but he's their dad too. My youngest daughter has a hard time disregarding him because of that. She wants to support both of us. I don't mean to get mad at her but how can you support someone that has walked away from family?? I try not to upset her more but it just makes me cry more.
When it was really at crisis point for me and I was fighting the urge to contact A, I took it one hour at a time. As in, for the next hour, I am not going to contact him, for the next 60 minutes I will concentrate on doing the next right thing and take very good care of me and when those 60 minutes have passed, if I still want to contact him, I will decide what to do then. I would get through the 60 minutes doing what I needed to do and being sure to take time-outs to do little things that make me feel good, for me that means reading a funny book or watching something funny on youtube even for a few minutes just to remind myself that I am alive and I can still feel something other than sadness over someone else and their actions. This was back when m A was engaged in some awful addictive behaviour and deception and cruelty to me and contact with him was incredibly destructive and painful to me yet for some reason I just wanted to speak to him and find a way to "make him see". It was like a kind of withdrawal for me to not speak to him even though he was so cruel to me!
I found that was the only way to get through the worst of it and as one hour became 2 and then 3 and then a day and then 2 days I started to feel good about it and gain momentum. I slipped a couple of times and messaged him or responded to a call from him etc but each time I just started again, 60 minutes....then anther and another..
You're doing wonderfully and I think you are at the beginning of an amazing journey that will hurt horribly at first and get better and better and eventually start to feel pretty good.
You don't have to eat the whole elephant at once, you know?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ellen, alcoholics and addicts in recovery don't "pick up" when they have the urge, you can abstain from "picking up" too if you use the recovery tools. Do you have a sponsor?
Thank you Mismellis. I will try 60 minutes at a time.
Paula, I don't have a sponsor at this time. I had one but I never get to see her so I was going to ask for a new one. Someone closer to my home. I have someone in mind but haven't been able to ask her. Due to weather our meetings have been cancelled lately. That is who I was going to call. I will try her now that I'm home.
