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On Monday, the kids and I got home from school to find AH on the couch, passed out. When he woke up, he was kinda aggressive and rude. He had it out for me.
This is the first time that he has (obviously) drank, in a few months. I had drawn a line that next time this happened, I would leave. So, I am going to leave.
I have rented a cottage for a month. It is next door to an old friend, and my son's best friend lives two doors down. So it will be a nice, safe place for the kids. I hope it will give us all a break from the tension in our house, and my AH's distractions. And the kids will get a little more independence instead of us having to drive them everywhere.
But, I am scared of navigating my AH's reactions. He's gonna be mad and hurt. That's ok. Mostly, I think he will argue against the kids coming with me. For many months, when we argue about the insanity of our lives, he has taken the position that I should leave, and move back into my parents (in another state) for a few months. I tell him I would never leave my children, but he keeps repeating it. This time I am going to tell him that the kids can't be with an active drinker, although he can see them lots. I am going to say, they need to be with me because I handle the details of their lives. But this is the place where I falter, as I think of what to say or write. I think I should keep it simple, though I have lots to say. It's just how to navigate his potential response. He doesn't even want to leave for one day. The idea of me taking space has always been threatening to him, and he won't do it himself, even for a night, even though I have begged.
I guess I get stuck, because they are his kids too, and he may not drink again for awhile. (He did not acknowledge that he got drunk. It's all sneaky.) But who knows?
Ugh. I am clear in my intentions but so muddled about how I am going to do this.
I find myself wondering if his aggression is intimidating to you? If so, I don't know that I would talk with him. I'd leave when he was passed out again with a note that said what I meant, meant what I said, didn't say it mean. I do find myself thinking that the suggestion: "When in doubt, don't" might apply?
You don't have to navigate his reactions, the reactions to deal with are yours and this is where al anon is ESSENTIAL. You had the initial courage to take action, now to him you say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. That is enough, no need for any further discussion. Any conversation will result in you falling under his spell of manipulations. I say bravo to you. And you need support of al anon meetings or this will be a white knuckling experience.
Dear ocean pine, I think your decision is valid and that the little cottage that you have selected would work out well for the children as well as yourself.
As far as telling hubby, I believe the less said the better. I might even hesitate about telling him where I was going. I would say that you're leaving and will be in touch. That should be sufficient.
Please keep connected here and let us know how you doing.
Its okay to leave him a note and make it clear you are no longer putting up with his drinking, easy! You warned him, he knew what was coming so dont let him twist it and trun it around on you. I would keep communication to a minimum if you are truly leaving for a break. If your leaving to try to make him stop drinking your likely wasting your time. Keep it simple, if he gets into the 'they are my children too' warcry. I would say, yes your right. You dont have to justify or explain or defend your decision. Your the adult, the sober adult, that makes you in charge of you and your kids.
I suggest getting into an alanon meeting as soon as you can. Its too much for us to cope with alone. Its confusing and I know I didnt know my own mind which meant I could be manipulated easily and alcoholics are expert manipulators, they pull out the whole poor me, look what your doing to me, boo hoo. You are taking a break for the benefit of you and your kids, so if he makes it all about what your doing to him, remeber you can hang up the phone rather than take abuse. Choices are always there.
If you write him a note, it might be prudent to date it and to copy it so that you have a copy of it should you need it in the future. There are legal implications in leaving a home in some states. Having documented information as to your intent when leaving and your intent in keeping yourself and your children safe for a month may be helpful to you? I'm not a lawyer, so this is by no means intended to be anything but a suggestion offered and based on working and/or living with people who are very sick or have peculiar agendas. Taking care of yourself and your kids first is primary and may include the need to document everything and store it in a safe place on your person, with your attorney if you have one, or other safe storage place that you can easily access?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 29th of January 2015 09:00:32 AM
I did go to my Al-Anon mtg last night, but we don't have another one for a week.
Luckily, a longtime Al-Anon gal lives very close this cottage we will be staying in. And another Al-Anon friend is around the corner. Curiously, her AH asked for a divorce yesterday. So I hope we can support each other lots. I will have my phone list handy.
Grateful, there is a big likelihood he won't drink again til passing out for a long time. He knows he is on the hook. And I need to do it now, since I set that boundary months ago and did not stick with it - I think it's better to do it when this drinking transgression is fresh.
I think I will leave a note. But he could still come to the cottage and try to argue it all. He isn't in a place where I think he should not have access to the kids - so I have to walk some kind of line there in being kind, and offering family activities if he wants them. Ugh.
In making plans for myself and my life, I have discovered that working Steps 3 and Step 11 generally results in the guidance and the wisdom I need to stay true to myself and true to what my HP shows me is the best way to handle things one day at a time. My ego/disease can trip me up, so I need the guidance of a HP untouched by this disease who also gives me the power/energy to carry through on HP's will for me. Otherwise, I can get stuck in what I want and/or what the other person wants or think we want and I just keep spinning in my head and therefore in my emotions. Practicing those steps helps me save myself a lot of wear and tear interiorly.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 29th of January 2015 09:08:42 AM
Our town is sooo small that I couldn't get away with not telling him where we are going. There is no escape here! Every time I am trying to avoid him, we pass on the road. His workplace is one block from the cottage. So are the AA and Al-Anon meetings!
Plus, everyone will know where we are staying. It is a really, really small town. That has made this whole journey so interesting. Every person in AA and Al-Anon, we cross paths with in daily life. It's crazy.
I agree, I can't move out to make him stop drinking. I have really needed a break, and this is a good lever to make myself get one.
I am currently in the process of divorce from my ah.
it started because after 6 years of verbal and emotional abuse I finally set a boundary. It took him less than 2 months to cross it. I made it clear if you do this behavior I will have to leave for my safety and sanity. He not only did the behavior it was volumes larger than the previous time he had gotten caught. It was as if he was pushing me to leave but unable to say that was what he wanted.
I was asked at the time if I could not find it in myself to offer grace for his transgression and stay together.
I told the person asking that that unfortunately I could not.
The reason being that if I gave up my own recovery for his then I was falling into a bottomless pit I would never climb out of.
When I made that boundary I had prayed about it and meditated on it and knew that I knew that I knew it meant I had to be willing to follow it out whatever the cost.
did i 'want' a divorce? not necessarily.
did I want an end to the pain and abuse.
Absolutely!
Keeping my word to myself has done volumes for my own personal recovery.
It has not stopped the pain nor the griefwork necessary.
It has restored my self esteem.
good luck to you
enjoy your new home
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
I think I will leave a note. But he could still come to the cottage and try to argue it all. He isn't in a place where I think he should not have access to the kids - so I have to walk some kind of line there in being kind, and offering family activities if he wants them. Ugh.
Great idea ocean pine I am glad you have alanon support and have reasoned it out as far as allowing him time with the childdren Good work
I am glad you are keeping your boundary in place for you and his reaction is his problem not yours. You are not doing anything wrong here. Keep taking good care of you! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Two pieces of ESH: boundaries are about protecting us, not punishing them, and therefore are about us and not them. And "no" is a complete sentence. You might need that one soon.
when I first told my husband to leave last February, he was angry. He called me a lot. I kept teling him "there's a place you can go to talk to people who will understand. It's called AA. Here is their hotline number.". I texted him the number. then I hung up on him while he yelled at me. Just keep it short and sweet. and keep your boundaries. "i said i would leave with the kids. So i am leaving." keep repeating the same mantra. Don't fall for his whining if that happens. keep strong.
His reactions are HIS to deal with. Claiming responsibility over his feelings, his problems, his justifications....That is something for you to work on in your program. You may feel like it is mean or cruel to not hear him out or explain to him why this is happening, but there is no reason. It is clear already. It has been made clear repeatedly right? So the tool of JADE comes to mind here. You do not need to justify, argue, defend, or explain any of this do him. Just state what you are doing and do it.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 29th of January 2015 01:02:36 PM
nothing need more to be said.....leave...leave a note....don't be nasty, and just GO you said u were gonna do it, now its time to stand to that boundary.....i would wait till hes gone or passed out and then bail!!!!
He is aggressive and confrontational....you don't need to have any discussion w/him.......good luck and good on you, looking after you and the kids.....I would also get into as many alanon meets as i can....u r gonna need alanon support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh thank you so much everyone for your replies. I am going to go back and read them slowly... in a bit... I am in panic mode right now.
I so want to be on the other side with this, which will bring many challenges I am sure, but at least I will have a break from the current daily reality.
It's just getting to the other side... I have had this work project all month (I freelance from home), and I have to wrap it up today! Was supposed to yesterday, but I just could not concentrate.
I need to pack stuff.
My son is home from school today. He had pneumonia, and has been home almost all month. He is home one final day because his school went on a day of skiing, and he isn't healthy enough to do that. So, I have yet one more day of keeping a kid somewhat occupied while trying to work and take care of my own stuff. I was hoping he and I could spend some special time together today, but it is not to be.
I am trying to figure out when to go. My AH's work schedule is very erratic on Fridays. He could be in and out at any time. My friend suggested my son and I just go now, and then I can do my work, but I would rather have my son be in our home if he is needing to entertain himself all day.
Since I have no idea when my AH might come home today, I think it's best not to tell my son until we are about ready to go. Then I will tell him about my plan and ask him to bring a couple special things.
OK. I can do this. I am going to go get him started on some work, then try to do my own work. I guess the packing will come a bit later - just enough for the weekend, and all my journals and self-care stuff.
Ugh I feel sick. My mom just called; I wanted to sshar with her (she doesn't know what's been going on lately) but she was full of her own life and needs.
OK, hopefully I can come back and keep posting my process til we are out of here. It's really comforting to know you all are out there!!!!
If you are feeling anxious can you tell him you are going away for only a few days and then send a message later that you have decided to stay longer?
You might be able to think much more clearly once you are actually away from him and have some breathing space. I know that has been true for me. I also foud my A is much less effective at twisting things and manipulating me with guilt now that there is physical distance between us.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
