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I'm a grateful new member of AA. 2 weeks sober and working my program hard. I have a very active lifelong alcoholic partner and its so hard to maintain my sobriety. Now that my head is clearing I'm seeing how very toxic this relationship (of 23 years) is. I went to my meeting last night and he was sooooo drunk when I got home. He stayed up drinking all night and woke me up every 20 minutes to either try to start a fight, or apologizing and crying or despondent. I'm exhausted. I'm pleased I didn't give in and drink but it really is a huge challenge while trying to maintain my own sobriety.
I own the condo and everything in it. He is unemployed and destitute. I just don't even know what to do. So much pressure.
Welcome s ummer storm, I do understand your dilemma and hope that you have an AA sponsor that you can connect with. Please remember that your sobriety is your most important goal and then an AA sponsor is crucial to your recovery.
Al-Anon will also be able to help you as you try to deal with your partner who is still drinking and is an alcoholic. I would check with your AA sponsor to see if it's too early for you to adopt both programs. If they agree that attending Al-Anon meetings, and using Al-Anon tools, can be managed with your AA meetings then check out alanon as well.
Please keep coming back here and sharing you are not alone.
Thank you Betty, actually I spent my 20s in acoa, my 30s in alanon, then for some reason I decided to jump on the crazy train with my partner. I caught myself sliding downhill fast and knew enough to get myself to AA quick! I do not have a sponsor yet although I have been to one and two aa meetings per day since sobering up. I think I have decided on a home group so I will likely ask someone there to be my sponsor.
Its SO HARD TO DETACH when he is doing this stuff... the big gong show... and he has the liquor right there. I could help myself. I'm fighting the good fight but I'm just so tired.
Summerstorm Please remember that you cannot fight this fight alone. It is a WE program If you have telephone numbers of AA members or the hot line number I would call and connect
I know many alanon members who have transitioned to AA after being able to get honest with themselves and the reverse is also true Which ever program will help you is the one you should commit to.
Detachment is important, keep the focus on yourself, live one day at a time, act in your own best interest and donot react. Prayer is a powerful tool as well.
Hello. Not much to add to Betty's suggestions. Just a warm hello and prayers for your continued sobriety and recovery. Although I'm not an A, I do know that God will supply the power to abstain from anything harmful to me if I supply the willingness. Keep with it, summer. You're not alone. The folks in your fellowship can be a big help to you.
I'm counting on my programs (s) to keep me strong.
I keep wishing I had that proverbial magic wand. I just wish I could convince him to move out. Sadly he does not have the means.
ODAT!
Aloha Summerstorm (lol what an appropriate nick for someone in a relationship with an alcoholic or in my case alcoholic/addict) I am also a double and had 9 years alcohol free in Al-Anon before also adding AA to my program. I added AA after an honest assessment and a review of that assessment by the inpatient adult program head nurse at the rehab I was doing therapy for. Honesty is a major asset for our ongoing recovery especially when considering the dangers of relapse and its consequences. I agree that sponsorship is utmost a required tool of recovery in either and both programs. We cannot do this with the same head we drank with I will confirm all the time...I've never seen it done. Although I never picked up again in either program I have never lost the compulsion to drink. I have learned not to react to the compulsion by drinking. I was born and raised inside of our disease and so normal for me is the many dysfunctions which come out of that way of life. What keeps me sane and sober are the practices I have learned within our 12 step spiritually based programs. Keep coming back. Hope to hear more from you as the journey continues. ((((hugs))))
looking very much forward to the next meeting at the group I have decided will be my home group, and I will put in the word that I am seeking a sponsor. I've been hitting 6 or more meetings per week. I really love how I feel afterwards.
I am a double winner too. I am only speaking for myself, but I HAD to end it and get away frim my alcoholic partner of 7 years in order to get sobwr and stay sober. It was a necessity in order to guard my sobriety. My ex was grown and not my problem. I was going down the tubes so I could not make him the priority. I had to put me amd getting sober first.
I totally know I would be far better off without this guy in my life. He doesn't work and just drags me down. I go to meetings just to get away from his garbage talk and moods. I just don't know how to do it. I don't hate the man only the disease. I can't bring myself to just change the locks, he is penniless. He doesn't even have a vehicle to sleep in...
And he never has to man up or do anything or work as long as he has a free place to stay and drink. Would you take in a homeless alcoholic off the streets? Not sure why your home needs to be a homeless shelter for an unemployed alcoholic if that is really your only reason for keeping him around. There are homeless shelters for folks like him. Summerstorm, I hope you have an AA sponsor. I know this is all new to you and you are trying to make some serious changes. You will not be able to do it alone. Alanon is a help too of course. I would have never been able to move forward on my own without my sponsor backing me every step of the way. If you do really want him out, you can set a date (a boundary) and give him several weeks notice to make arrangements. Penniless or not. He can find a shelter or something. Not your problem. You are your 1st priority and sobriety is also your 1st priority.
When I came into the rooms, I had serious problems not just with alcohol, but codependency also. It seemed extremely cruel that I was leaving my partner right after he got out of the mental ward and when he had no job...He even commented "how can you leave me at my lowest point?!" Um...well...my answer to that was, and still remains, I was at my lowest point too and that mattered more and changing that was within my power whereas sticking around or having him stick around to "fix" or soften his "lowest point" was not something that made sense any more.
So yeah, I could see actually going the route of eviction with this guy and making it formal and maybe even getting authorities involved. Not saying you need to do this or have to do it now even if it is something you want to do. I am just hoping to shed light on choices. I know for me, I did not get sober to have an active drunk leech off of me while I was making my life better and working my butt off at it. I understand it's been 23 years, but you are not responsible for him. He is a grown man.
I can see your dilemma and first things first come to mind. Based on other double winners' e/s/h, the first things first in your life is you and your sobriety. I agree with PC that there are shelters available in most every town that are better equipped to deal with an active A because they have 24 hour staff and nobody has to deal with an active, barely functioning alcoholic 24/7. I also agree that setting a boundary for you when it comes to how long you will allow him to stay with you beyond today and then enforcing it using whatever means are at your disposal is a possible solution for the how of it. I'm also glad you are choosing to go to meetings and reaching out to your fellowship to stay true to yourself and the promise you have made to yourself - that you want better for you than you once did.
summerstorm wrote:I'm a grateful new member of AA. 2 weeks sober and working my program hard. I have a very active lifelong alcoholic partner and its so hard to maintain my sobriety.
Welcome summer....so glad you showed up here as well as AA.....its very common for alcoholics to go to al-aon b/c so many of them were impacted by other alcoholics who were/are not doing any recovery......good on you, coming here and working your program......the fact he is destitute , drinking, nasty, sad, is NOT your issue.....your issue is to take care of you and protect YOUR sobriety.....
i hope u r going to meets , you qualify, of course for both and I would do both so you can understand how being married to an alcoholic has impacted you.....hope u can, if you already haven't, latch on to a good sponsor to guide you in your program....your only objective should be #1 sobriety #2, working on and focusing on YOU and what do you need to do to take care of you....nothing else you should worry about....being sober is one thing...staying sober means hard work and dedication to YOU...that means meetings every day, working w/a sponsor , doing the steps, all of it......focusing on you....detaching totally from him......
IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
And he never has to man up or do anything or work as long as he has a free place to stay and drink. Would you take in a homeless alcoholic off the streets? Not sure why your home needs to be a homeless shelter for an unemployed alcoholic if that is really your only reason for keeping him around. There are homeless shelters for folks like him
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I 1000% agree with this....U CAN get rid of him via a shelter...there are plenty of them around....You don't have to live like this.....take care of YOU...do what you gotta do for YOU.....if you don't want him there (i sure wouldn't..especially now that you are trying to fight for YOUR life) its easy enough to get rid of him....if he is combatative, or comes at you in a menacing way, you can drop a dime on him to the cops......
now is the time to put YOU and YOUR sobriety and life FIRST
IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
summerstorm wrote: I'm pleased I didn't give in and drink but it really is a huge challenge while trying to maintain my own sobriety. I own the condo and everything in it.
this kinda concerns me.....staying sober is hard enough...you are able to fight it off now, but i would set an internal boundary, how long am i gonna put up with this?? and convey it to the alcoholic...just give him a notice of sorts, he has to be gone by such and such a date and enforce that
trying to reason with him to leave you alone, get out of your face won't work....you can't negotiate with anyone that bad in their disease....
this would wear me out, having someone in my face starting fights or crying drunk, I wouldn't be able to handle it...your only obligation is to you......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My heart really goes out to you...it was almost the exact same scenario I had when I first got sober.
and i can't even imagine how tough this is....Really...You are literally fighting to save your life...you don't need a lead weight around your ankles pulling you down.....
My heart goes out to you too...To anyone trying to clean up their life.....Please...Get a good sponsor as soon as you can find one....You need as much support as you can get......This board is a lot, but you need the meets and a sponsor or some safe recovery mates you can trade esh with
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am glad you found us here at MIP and have found a regular home group. Finding my sponsor, MIP and reading the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews were the first best things I ever did for myself. I am sending you love and support on your recovery journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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