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ok, I'm pretty sure some action needs to be taken Higher Power needs to show me what.
My 2 year bf non alcoholic boyfriend who is older than me, who is generally very kind and much like me in behavior (he's probably an alanon just not so much. He was married to an A but the minute she threw things at his head he told her get help or get out. He is still nice to her when he sees her in our small small town He has had other problematic relationships not so easy to leave due to kids and he tried his best to be a good dad. He is a good Dad.
by the way, his kids are not poor by any means, middle income with plenty to provide their own extra's, it's just easier to take Dad's.
OKay ... oldest daughter is almost my exact age...she's pretty angry at life, in general but can be funny and is smart... I would love to be her true friend. She seems to think Dad's assests belong to her. He says no way.... we will build a life together, but he has trouble telling people no on small things... she has obtained household items I don't really care about but got them by stating she was gonna take them with her...
She wants the little financial assests dad has, we have almost exactly the same amount of money property etc from our lives and want to combine them and make a nice life for the rest of our lives (oldest daughter has one sister who also takes every little drop she can squeeze out of daddy in more of a "I'm daddy's little girl way" this lady doesn't work and is beautiful, narcissistic and really I don't care one bit to be her friend... prettiest girl I've ever seen- just comes in and tells her dad she is taking saddles or even demanding horses be "hers" or ?? we are into horses, land, tractors etc.. When I contribute my assesst we will have a very nice place but don't want to spend our lives thinking of who it will be left to, we just want everyone to come and enjoy, be at peace etc. He is more tolerant of drama than I and lives more day to day... feeling it will all pass.
anyway some of it I dont' care.. but especially the stuff I am help paying for I want to draw a line..wrong choices could do me in and I've made plenty in my life
also daddy has always made a pretty good living (blue collar) I make exactly the same as his retirement or more if I hustle, I don't think they know or care of my earning potential.
There is more but I want to not end up investing in our life and these girls taking what seems like it should be ours..and it "hurts' cuz I really would like to be family. They don't seem to like me, it hurts more than I expect it should... BUT they would dislike anyone I think. Dislike anyone who gets in their way.
Also they come around and Dad ends up clearing a pasture or keeping a horse at his place or providing hay (all cost money) for them just because they ask him to or indirectly "trick" him into it... even my used car ended up at their place for the last 9 months, I wasn't using it but we just accidently let them borrow it with no end in sight... I like that car. I had suggested it,,, meaning for a short time... I forgot to say,,, I want it back in xx number of weeks.
By the way they "challenge" eachother when it comes to material things as wellf and will trash talk eachother when needed .... I just don't know...
What prompted this, the oldest daughter is in the hospital due to maybe unhealthy habits (gallbladder)...I care want to send a small gift ( I know I sound back and forth on my ways, but am not included in visits etc since it's well known she doesn't like me. and to admit my human side resent his sitting up there all day long when he knows she does not like me and has told him why I am "bad". matter of fact we could erase the rest and leave that bit maybe...He and I are so much alike in so many ways but his family ( children raised by different mothers and he worked on the road) but because money is the primary motivator I just don't know how to make it better...and it's only normal money nothing major!
Is this a boundry should I just cut and run even though without childrens influence we "get" eachother and want whats best for eachother .... it's really good.
Please be direct if this is me I'll "shape up " in a heartbeat!! I'M TOO CLOSE TO THIS TO THINK STRAIGHT
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 07:52:25 AM
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 07:58:14 AM
Hi, Glad. This is one of the reasons I chose not to re-marry, so I don't really have any personal e/s/h to share. I do think that if it were me, I would support my partner's desire to spend time with his hospitalized daughter. I also wouldn't give a gift if I knew she didn't like me and I knew it was just me trying to win her over for whatever reasons I had at the time.
I do have experience as a daughter to share. My Dad didn't remarry after my Mom died, but he did date one woman for a long time. They lived in their own homes and she knew that my Dad's kids came first to him and my Dad knew that her kids came first to her. They shared many things in common and enjoyed each other but Dad finally called it off because he knew she wanted to marry and he didn't want to do that. Had they married, my family would have loved her because she really did care about my Dad but she also stayed out of the way of our relationship with our Dad. It also would have been too much for all of us if they did marry and lived in the house that my Mom and Dad had purchased and furnished and cared for together. Could be her own kids would have felt the same way if they moved into her house together? Had my Dad gone on to marry her, I think that for the sake of unity and blended families, it probably would have worked for them to establish their married life in their own home without bringing what each had built up in their previous relationships into it. I do think that for Dad, knowing him as I knew him, the thought of buying a new home and starting a new life with another woman beyond dating was more than he had the energy to do. I don't think though it would have worked for either of them any other way.
Thanks greatfull our situations are different but just to hear from someone who is on the other side is comforting.... the gift would have been really to try to show her I want to be friends... but your right who knows how it would have been taken.
Also just FYI his home etc was made after they were all grown and their mom(s) were way out of the picture... both of us created what we created on our own.
NO matter thanks for your comments... encouragement for your day to you!
Hi Glad, I am in a long-term relationship(over 25 years) with a divorced gentleman who has two daughters. Neither child accepted me in the beginning even though their mom had left him and the divorce was amicable. My son did not accept him either and so it was up to us to detach from their opinions and establish a relationship between the two of us.
We managed to work it out, one event, one birthday at a time. I understood that these were his children and he understood how I felt about my son. Neither of us tried to interfere with the relationship between parent and child. He gave his children money and still does and I gave my son money. Joint assets were not shared. Today we have a working relationship with his children and meet for dinner once a month.
I would but discard the relationship because of the difficulty with children. Merging families is always difficult and so I chose not. Let us know how it works out
I think it would really hurt me not to be liked (let alone loved) by the children of the man I'm dating, living with, maybe marrying... That would deeply upset me. It's been 2 years. I think that both girls are probably wary of their dad committing to anyone. Both of them probably feel he "owes" them stuff because he wasn't with their moms growing up and his role has always been as a financial backer more than a present father. Those are dynamics that seem to have been put in place long before your arrival. So I guess you can feel a little better knowing this pattern with them existed long before you. I don't know if it's purely that his daughters are greedy or if that is the only way that they know and have been taught to relate to their father due to the history and also due to father not setting boundaries around those behaviors.
I think if you want to be close to his daughters, it may take concerted effort to let them see your vulnerable side and then there is still a risk they will reject you. In many ways, I think it's worth it so that you and your BF can have peace within the merging family. If you can kill them with kindness without sacrificing your own principles too much (and without literally buying them off) it would help. Nothing soured me on my ex more than when he decided he would go on the attack with regard to my family and then drive a wedge between me and them. It was okay for ME to talk about certain things that bothered me about my mom....and maybe okay for him every now and then...but NO...not okay for him to bitch about my mom and other family members regularly. So, I don't know if you are verbalizing the negative thoughts to your BF about his daughters, but I would watch that. Also, they might pick up on that judgment and that could be fueling this.
If things don't improve in time and with you just being consistently kind to them, I suppose then it could be time for a sit down with dad and the daughters in which you are open and discuss your committed relationship but also let the girls discuss what concerns them and if there are reasonable ways to address those things so all parties can get along. I know this is very idealistic and you will have to figure out what works knowing all the parties. It does sound challenging...
My philosophy has always been: my father earned his money and it is his to do with what he wants. If the last check he writes bounces, so be it.
Your BF *is* doing what he wants with his hard earned money - dribbling it out on his children. Actions *always* speak louder than words. And remember, blood is always thicker than water.
I wrote in another thread about how my mother had MS, then a stroke. At the age of 47 she died of complications related to those two things. Dad ultimately re-married a widow who had no children. Through her work (and her deceased husband's work) they had accummulated a nice sum (approx. $1 million; most liquid). Dad had NOWHERE near that sum (again, 7 kids) - liquid or otherwise.
When they married, they had pre-nuptial. And dad always said "his money" was "his money" and his wife's money was her money. She paid for the vacations and such. He contributed towards the day-to-day. When she dies, most of her money goes to cancer research. Again, it's her money, she earned it.
I guess what I'm asking is . . . why do YOU want to COMBINE assets???
What I hear you say is that you want to "live better" by such combination than you could do separately on your on. But, is that wise? In my experience, I have never gone wrong living *below* my means.
My thought is: if he's THAT much older than you, then he's likely to die long before you do. And you're likely to face a long period without him.
YOUR own money is the "cake" for you that you'll need long after he (and his assets) are gone; in your shoes, his money is purely "icing."
Keep YOUR cake your cake; accept icing when you get it . . . that way IF icing is ever taken from you (your break-up, you marry and later divorce, or he dies and cuts you out), you haven't adjusted YOUR life to something YOU have no control over. If, in the end, you actually GET the icing (he puts you in the Will or whatever), then it's still icing to you.
I think too, you have to adjust your expectations with regard to his children. Imagine how you *might* feel if your father was dating someone as old as you were. There is BOUND to be resentment - it's a very, very awkward situation for her.
Heck, my father was dating age appropriate women (for him) while I was dating age appropriate women (for me) when I was in college and THAT STILL was really weird for me. Can't imagine if my dad dated, much less lived one, someone my age or who could have been a sibling age-wise.
You have received great ESH and I was thinking the same thing as PC, that the girls have been raised receiving material things and that is how they know how to relate. It can only be changed if their Father sees it as a problem. Many parents teach their children entitlement and it is a hard one to break in young people, no idea how to change it in grown people. Have you been able to openly communicate with your man regarding your concerns? I communicate with my boyfriend in regards to our kids about anything and everything that bothers me, to clear the air before anything gets big. I can see potential problems, but we talk them out to make sure we are on the same page and will know how to handle these issues together. All I can do is treat his girls with love and respect and that has worked thus far, I do joke with them and just am myself, I don't try very hard and I think that helps. He is great with my kids and I think he is a very respectable person and that helps. Our kids are much younger and always around so I see the differences, but there is always hardship in blended families and I can relate and do feel for you. I love my man and as long as our children are thriving I wouldn't throw out the baby with the bath water. Be true to yourself in your decision making. Boundaries are for your protection and serenity. I just want to send you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sounds like it needs more discussion between you and him. If it bothers you now, it won't bother you less after you merge resources. For me I really doubt I would be able to live with another again just because my recovery was hard and I don't ever want to be financially tangled up again, makes it hard to get free.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks Rumble. that is the way to be happy in all things, grateful for the moment (yet common sense requires thinking somewhat of what might be) I think...not to be a... but.... person" BUT" it means a lot to him too provide for me, he shows love through financial support obviously...maybe comes from a generation where that is what men do... they also provide for their children.... we will see.... good things to work through which I have spent my life with negative things to work through ...
I can honestly say IF we combine resources and I end up with nothing... assuming this man continues to be what he appears to be to me.. it would be horrible but worth every second... it's such a blessing to be with someone who listens and cares, even when we don't agreee... and your correct so many on this board do not have that!
higher power is not only good but amazingly gracious, merciful and loving!
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 10:48:23 AM
I can honestly say IF we combine resources and I end up with nothing... assuming this man continues to be what he appears to be to me.. it would be horrible but worth every second... it's such a blessing to be with someone who listens and cares, even when we don't agreee... and your correct so many on this board do not have that!
higher power is not only good but amazingly gracious, merciful and loving!
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 10:48:23 AM
A word of caution Glad, I married a man who had all the old-fashioned values and wanted to support me and give me the world becaused he loved me unconditionally .
Unfortunately his disease took over and nearly destroyed me financially. After he passed It took me almost 10 years to recover financially and to reestablish my financial health. I would never completely surrender my financial well-being to another.
Thank you for that. I posted not only to vent but because I am sure I'm not seeing everything someone from the outside might see. I will remember what you have said.
