My AW would wake up at 4 AM in a start, completely freaked out, asking me if everything was OK. For a long time I thought that she was having mononucleosis because she was diagnosed with it previously, and she would exhibit as very "tired" after a binge, so I would just say "you were really tired tonight honey". But after a while it became obvious what was really going on.

I'm glad you have the self control to get out of the house. I've been right where you were at with the wanting to hit her, it gets extremely frustrating. Are you going to a f2d meeting yet?

Kenny

That middle of the night stuff is awful--I have been there too.  Good for you that you got out of there.  You are not alone in this.

Mary

RF Glad you took yourself out of the house. You are living with insanity, so that detaching and leaving the home, when you are tempted to engage is a perfect response . Please let us know how you are later in the day.

Thanks for the support. I returned after a few hours - after reading the postings in this forum and just calming down. Got a little bit of sleep, but it's going to be a long day at work. Didn't even deal with AW this morning - she just left for work. A blessing.

Leaving the house is such a dicey move. The interlock device is *not* yet on wife's car so, if she wanted she could have driven drunk after me - with or without the kids (14 y.o. and 7 months) in tow.

In Sept./Oct., my 14 y.o. was in the early rounds of the city-wide soccer tournament. Got home from work and we're all ready to go to the game, but it's clear AW is bombed out of her gourd. I just didn't want to deal with her shit. And, worse, when she's like this she'll say things - on the sidelines - like 14 y.o. "doesn't know what to do" and the "other players are better than her."

I'll admit 14 y.o. is no Pele (for those of you old enough to remember him), but is no different that 90% of the other players out there.

Anyway, I tell AW she's not going to the game - it's also too cold a night for our (then) 3 to 4 month old - and I take the key to her car with me so AW cannot drive drunk.

On the way home from the game, I get a call from the Police Department. They are at my house - AW was out "stumbling around" in the subdivision and holding baby and an anonymous neighbor called 911 because they were concerned AW would fall down with the baby in her arms.

I pull into the drive-way (two cop cars, lights blinking, nice), and Police Officer #1 basically says "how could you leave your baby with someone you knew was drunk?" Well, officer, she's almost always "drunk" because she's an alcoholic. We had a fight and 14 y.o. had a soccer game. She wasn't so drunk that she was incoherent - and most nights she doesn't get that way (her tolerance for alcohol must be off the charts). It's a cold night so not good for the baby to be out for a couple of hours in it. AW has multiple DWIs, so I took her car keys to prevent another one. No matter how "drunk" she was she's never physically abused the baby or our other child and never, in the past, wandered about the subdivision. His response is: your 14 y.o. can defend herself, the baby cannot. Well, gee officer, thanks for the reminder. Officer #1 says, she says you beat her, but I've examined her and she doesn't have any bruises. (mutter to myself: no shit Sherlock, what part of "she's an alcoholic did you not grasp??" she'll lie her ass off to get out of trouble).

Police eventually leave BUT we get turned into Division of Family Services. Get a visit from a very young woman the next day. She says "you don't seemed surprised to see me" No, I'm not - let's just say I'm professionally familiar with the way this goes. Clearly, though, she's surprised to be at our house. For her, this is *not* the normal type of dwelling she is used to visiting on a potential child abuse case. I tell her "AW is an alcoholic, this is what happened as far as I know . . . I'll take whatever help you can give me."

To shorten this: DFS talks briefly to 14 y.o. examines baby and since there's not obvious signs of abuse - baby is fed, clothed, lives in clean place, and no physical trauma - the DFS case is closed after a few weeks. 14 y.o., does do a few laps with the school counselor - but, that's about it.

I'm beside myself that *this* is the environment my 14 y.o. is growing up in - it is soooooo far removed from my own childhood.

My family has problems . . . many of which affect me and who I am . . . but alcoholism isn't one of them. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) when I was in grade school - this was back in the early 1970s - they didn't know what caused MS and they didn't know how to treat it. Hers was progressive - she went from walking while steadying herself on the wall, to a walker, to a wheelchair in fairly short order. This was all before the era of handicap accessibility in public places - there were no wheelchair ramps back then. Anyway, dad was the "caretaker" - he changed mom's diaper, gave her baths, etc. Then, later, my mother had a stroke (all before the age of 50) and was completely paralyzed down the entire left side of her body - couldn't talk (vocal cord paralyzed) or feed herself. To my knowledge, my father never once complained about the hand he was dealt - we had a large family (7 kids) - and his wife was very physically impaired. Yet, I recall no moment of self-pity. Dad is WWII combat veteran - part of that "Greatest Generation" - so "sucking it up" was just part of his DNA. Accordingly, Dad was NOT "Mr. Emotional" - and that's part of MY problem - but, I remember when I was in my 40s (AW is younger than me) thinking "wow, I don't feel old, but at this point Dad was going home and changing Mom's diapers and settling in for a night of television with her."

The "abuse" at my home was the lack of affection. A psychologist I used to see awhile back says I should be mad at my father - there are things he could have done differently. Still, it's hard to feel anger at someone who was so devoted to his wife. Even harder when I'm not sure I would have done the same thing in his shoes - at a minimum, I wonder if I would have had an affair or something inappropriate outside my marriage because, again, in my 40s I still very much felt young and alive - and I suspect he did too.

I've struggled with my HP because of the above - mostly, along the lines of "how could you do this to my mother?" By which, of course, I mean: "God, how could you do this to ME?" when I was just a kid?

The mystery of why "bad things" happen to "good people" (or, at least, not obviously bad ones) remains just that to me: a mystery.

Trust me, I am aware of the parallels between my father "taking care" of my physically impaired mother and me "taking care of" AW. I've fixed many a jam for her, but no more. The chips fall where they may. Next DWI (which would be number 4 for her lifetime) is going to be prison time for her.

*sigh*

I can hear the anger you are feeling through your words. Your psychologist, in my humble opinion, was making a judgment that was nutty. If your Dad could have done things differently, he would have done things differently. He knew to do what he knew to do at the time. That's true for you, too, isn't it? If you could have done things differently, you would have done things differently. Now, you get to learn new ways to deal with things with the help of others and the program tools and your understanding of a HP if you choose. Program work will help you to relieve yourself of the burden of anger and frustration (feelings I know well) and help you learn how to detach in ways that are helpful to you and to your children, too. I know you're tired. I know this is a heavy load to carry as a father and as a husband. We can't do it by ourselves. I tried. I failed. Thanks for trusting us with some of your story. It is a mess right now for you. With program help, you can and will find ways to improve your quality of life whether or not your wife continues to drink. Keep coming back. We understand.  You probably already know you can't leave the kids with their Mom?  Especially the baby.  I do hope you'll be able to get some help with the kids, too.  Your AW is obviously incapable of tending to them if she is drunk all the time. 

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 08:11:33 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 10:04:31 PM

I think bad things happen to good people because this is not heaven where that won't be true.

Also so we can help others which is what you do by being here and talking to all of us.

Doesn't make it easier but wanted to say thanks... your a blessing.

I have been thinking about all the disturbed sleep I had when living with my AH. I moved out last March. he was either up all night drinking or out driving around following the action going on that he heard on his police scanner. it was awful. i was so glad when he was working, he worked at night. then i could sleep. Now I sleep even better because I dont live with him! Sleep deprivation made me angry.