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My husband and I have been best friends for 9 years, married for 3, and he is an alcoholic. I cannot imagine my life without him or a better dad for my daughter (except of course, if he could stop drinking).
The problem is that he can't stop drinking and I don't know what to do. I'm laying here in my daughter's room as my husband sits in the living room with beer cans hiding in the couch cushions. He doesn't drink every day, maybe once a month, but I'm pregnant and we have a one and a half year old, and my baby and I have had to leave the house multiple times because his rage has gotten out of control, hes tried to play with the baby while obviously being unstable, etc. He's dined and dashed, driven many times while drunk, and drank one day while watching our daughter for the day while I was at work, not to mention he spends so much money that we don't have on these 'benders'. Not only is he unavailable for a day while I am left to care for our daughter, but he can also be suicidal, unstable and unpredictable.
I have no doubt that his behavior is abusive, even if not physically, but I don't know what to do. I work but definitely depend on him for income- I have some struggles with my parents and would prefer not to use them as a place of refuge although I've done it before. Despite my confidence that he has some serious problems, the fact that this doesn't happen on a daily basis can sometimes cause me to think its bearable because it doesn't happen as often as some others. I'm obviously trying to justify unacceptable behavior; I know that once is too many times and we've been out of the single digits for four years now.
He has a sponsor at AA who is awesome, but he always gets really involoved with AA after a relapse, gets comfortable, and stops going. If I bring up that he's stopped going he becomes very defensive. I can't make him go and certainly don't watn him reluctantly going because I told him he needs to 'or else,' but I also realize that these relapses will continue if he isn't consistent with AA, and that isn't fair to my daughter, my unborn baby or I.
So I guess my question is, how can I create boundaries if he is supposed to be the one taking initiative so he can change himself? I would love to say: you need to go to at least two meetings a week and if you drink around our daughter or I we will leave for the night, but that is so hard to do with a 1.5 year old, and where would we go? All of our friends are mutual and I would feel awful bringing them into it. Please, please help. He's not a bad person- quite the opposite but like many on here I fear he will never change and my daughter and other child will experience life with an alcoholic father who only gets sober for a month at a time, but when he drinks it scars them deeply. Thanks for listening to me vent:)
Welcome. Alanon is a fellowship that helps families of alcoholic. If you go to the website, you should find a meeting near you. Here you will gwt support and help from people who have been where you are.
living with alcoholism is too much for most people to cope with alone. It effects the whole family but its not completely hopeless. In alanon i learned to not accept unacceptable behaviour. I learned to set boundaries and stick to them and the abuse stopped for me. It took me a while of meetings, reading and studying the alanon recovery program. Your child is young and if you manage to get help then you might be able to help your child too.
You remind me of me once upon a time. I minimized the terror-filled life I was living. My x was not so much a raging bull, but more like a stealthy panther ready to pounce on me when I least expected it. I accepted unacceptable behavior for multiple reasons. I wanted a father for my children and a husband for me. I wanted a respectable life. Reality was that my ex and I weren't living a respectable life together. Both of us were unhappy. I was a doormat then. I'm not anymore. As el cee suggested, Al-Anon is a very good place for you to go for support and encouragement. I tried to handle everything to include my x all by myself. It wasn't until I said that enough was enough that anything changed. I had to admit I couldn't live like that anymore and when I could admit it, I could change it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 07:31:54 AM
Welcome to MIP. Your husband will get worse if he does not work a recovery program and you cannot force him to work a recovery program. It is most likely the abuse will escalate, the truth is, based on your share here, you and your children are in danger. Reread your share here as though it were being written by a beloved friend asking you for counsel. This is hard, very hard for you. Begin al anon meetings ASAP, because your life really does depend on it.....stay with us here and we will support you through this. Thanks for trusting us with your experience, I used to feel I was betraying my husband and my vows when I shared about my marriage. I was not and neither are you.
Welcome Venice, You have received excellent suggestions so i will simply add, their is help and hope available. It is important to understand that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless.
Please keep coming back and check out those face to face alanon meetings. You are not alone.
Venice, the only thing I have to add is that if you need to bring mutual friends into this for your safety and your kids' safety - Do it. Of course he will be upset that they were brought into it but you have a right to support and you don't need to protect him from the embarrassment or consequences of his own behavior.
You have received great ESH above! I am so glad you found us here at MIP and welcome. I just want to add that face to face al-anon meetings saved my sanity, I found my wise old sponsor there also and she was like a best friend to me. She helped me to break out of the shame and guilt of living with my alcoholic husband and to love myself through my faults. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me a lot also. Keep coming back here to MIP as well, I look forward to hearing about your recovery journey. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was delusional,the man I thought was my soul mate was abusive.I left him and now my idea of a soul mate has changed.A soul mate is someone who loves you and wants what is best for you,someone who is gentle on your soul.Someone who brings comfort and joy to you not someone who raises a fist to a helpless women.What really opened my eyes was in a meeting someone said,If you take alcohol away from a horse thief,you still have a horse thief.My ex was abusive, alcohol or not there is no excuse for abuse period.
Again, I'm a newbie . . . and I find it easier to say things than to you, know, actually live them.
The only answer is: only YOU know when you've had enough.
Let me give you an analogy: getting whacked in the head with a 2 x 4 piece of lumber.
Objective, rational people will tell you that getting hit in the head with 2 x 4 piece of lumber even ONCE is too much.
Subjectively, internally to you, you've already been through the first whack with the 2 x 4, and the second, and, likely, more than you can count already. How many MORE whacks can you take? Totally depends on you.
Not a judgment on you or anyone else.
I'm just stating what I found in my own life to be true - the metaphorical beatings with a 2 x 4 stop when I stop them - that's when I know I've had enough.
Welcome to MIP. Your husband will get worse if he does not work a recovery program and you cannot force him to work a recovery program. It is most likely the abuse will escalate, the truth is, based on your share here, you and your children are in danger. Reread your share here as though it were being written by a beloved friend asking you for counsel. This is hard, very hard for you. Begin al anon meetings ASAP, because your life really does depend on it.....stay with us here and we will support you through this. Thanks for trusting us with your experience, I used to feel I was betraying my husband and my vows when I shared about my marriage. I was not and neither are you.
welcome to MIP and I could not agree more with the replies u got....you are in DANGER...your child is in DANGER
find some local face to face alanon meetings and attend as soon as you can....hes gonna get worse and your baby is indanger...driving while drunk, playing "unstable" being abusive....You are in danger of domestic violence......
also find out where there is an abuse/domestic violence shelter nearyou, so you can run to it as needed.....this is serious....you can't cope/ keep yourself safe w/out support from others.........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
