Relationship Issues and Alcohol - Al-Anon Family Group

MooseWork · Member

Relationship Issues and Alcohol

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In the end it doesn't really matter what makes you incompatible with someone. You will never get an active alcoholic to see what role their drinking plays in things. It is futile to try and to get angry when they don't see it. That being said, to me, it sounds like you are both arguing illogical viewpoints because I will bet alcohol caused a lot of problems but not all of them.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Joe, I agree with you completely. Alcoholism is a threefold disease.It affects both the alcoholic and their partner spiritually, emotionally and physically. When the drinking stops, the "isms "of alcoholism are still alive and well and affecting the relationship. That is the reason that family members need a program of recovery such as Al-Anon and the alcoholic needs to maintain and seek emotional sobriety as well. It is a long process but very worthwhile.

I do think arguing over the subject is a waste of time because it diverts you from the issues that are of most importance. It is easy to disagree on any issue and be diverted from the primary goal of repairing the marriage.

A 12 step counselor should be able to point you both in the right direction.----- Or you could just let it go and each of you attend your meetings and work the steps accordingly.

When you get to the ninth step you can each make amends after uncovering your part in the situation.

Good luck

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My opinion as you requested is this: There appears to be truth in what each of you are thinking and saying.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to believe that it was all the alcohols fault, i was full of resentment until i learned more about myself and i learned that i had issues from my own childhood and i didnt end up married to an alcoholic through coincidence. We were together as two flawed humans who fitted through our sick thinking. To say it was only the alcoholism that was the problem is too simple in my view. The problems within my relationship were partly due to me and my issues, it wasnt ever all his fault. Its never one sided, if that was the case then people would not seek recovery for themselves, to root out their own issues. Alanon is the place where you will get help, if your minds wide open you will see your own part in your relationship and can work o the things you can change, only you.

MooseWork · Member

Thank you again. Very incitful responses. I am participating in Al-Anon. I know there are no easy answers or shortcuts. I have a lot to learn about myself.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Joe,

I have found the truth to be somewhere in between. once my wife was detoxed and sober, she told me she wouldn't come back unless there were some changes. i was willing to listen. Our marriage had been a shambles from close to the beginning, gone to counseling, etc for it. Then she started derinking. She really started drinking to self-medicate, it's hard to find a psychiatrist these days, that's a story in and of itself, but she started drinking more and more to escape depression, caused by a number of things, but much of it was because of the marriage.

Once she became an actual alcoholic, it was great. I was now absolved of all responsibilities to her because she was a drunk!! I heard that word absolved in my head the other night during my share at a meeting, and I realized that is what I thought I was while she was drinking. what a great excuse, she is a lush, irresponsible, DUI-earning woman married to hard-working me.

Once she got sober, though reality hit. I had to change. of course she had to change, legally she had to change if nothing else, but we both had to change for our marriage to survive.

Now, I know nothing about how good/bad your marriage is. I can't make any kind of judgment of the truth of her statement. All I can do is tell you my story, and hos i have learned what my part in it was, by doing the steps. I'm not even hardly started yet, and all kinds of things are brimming in my inventory.

Be gentle with yourself, and get to meetings, I'm so glad to hear you are in Al Anon.

And keep coming back here!

Kenny

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That was a humble response moosework. It will take you a long way in recovery. Good work.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

All of us did, Joe, and speaking for myself - I still am learning. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

Rumblefish · Member

I'm a newbie here, so take this for what it is worth - and I think it applies to all marriages be they to an alcoholic spouse or not:

You *have* to own your 50% of the marriage.

Trust me, there are days that even *I* wouldn't want to be married to me. My job requires me to be emotionally detached from the situation and to focus - tunnel vision like - on the issue/problem. That just doesn't automatically turn itself off when I'm "off the clock." And that's no treat to be married to. My wife's alcoholism didn't do THAT to me - and *I* have to recognize I can be that way from time-to-time regardless of her drinking and *I* have to understand how that detachment affects those around me that I love and I have to try to be less detached. That's my 50%.

OTOH, if my "detachment" is "causing" her to drink, then, IMO, that's just an excuse she's using to drink. Her 50% of is to realize that there are other options to dealing with my detachment other than drinking. She has to own that. She has to understand how her drinking doesn't "solve" my detachment (probably worsens it), how her drinking affects those around her and, then, to find a way to cope with my detachment in an appropriate manner. That's HER 50%.

I find it difficult to work on "joint" marriage issues - like effective, non-threatening spousal communication while my AW is not sober and in recovery. It seems to me that her being sober is a pre-requisite to establishing the trust that - at this point - is non existent. So, I've politely resisted any idea of marriage counseling raised by my wife - until her sobriety.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.