My bond assistance (a loan for the security deposit) claim form was not processed or submitted, over a week ago. I had a bad feeling when I took the form in to the housing office (its a government department and the girl in the office was of an obvious ethnic/religious pursuasion and extremely hostile to myself and other women who were not simlilar to her. She told me to go away in fact, and argued with me about why i shouldn't be using the service, it was a bizarre experience. She was cheerful and polite to another women who dressed like her and then another woman came in who was "like me" (a local) and she told her to go away too and then a male courier came in and tried to give her a package and she wouldn't sign his forms and told him to go away and go to another office. But women and men who were similar to her, she was chirpy and bright and friendly to. I've never experienced anything like it, out and out racism or religiousism or whatever you want to call it. Well my gut told me she wouldn't process my application but I told myself not to be silly or racist/judgemental. and today i learned, I was right, and that  was not the first "local" woman she had done this to and that they would URGE me to make a complaint and have her removed from her position. But anyway the bottom line is she literally threw my forms on the floor and didnt process them and the people I spoke to today were horrified as it is meant to be a 24 hour process and now my new agent thinks I am a weirdo and I cannot move into my new house today. I was a bit upset on the phone to the agent as I was horrified to learn they didnt have my security deposit and I sounded a bit mental I think so now I have gotten off to a bad start and also I am paying rent beginning today and I can't actually get in to my house as I can't have the keys until they receive this cheque.

So they told me to lodge a complaint as this particular woman has been doing this to other people but no-one has lodged an official complaint so nothing has yet been done about her. Red tape blah blah. And they asked me to come to the office in the city and my mother drove me there and on the way she kept telling me to "stop yelling, you're so loud" and I wasn

t yelling but she always says that and noone else says I am noisy and she always silences me when i speak by cutting me off and telling me I am yelling and so I stayed silent all the way there and by the time I got to the office and the girl at the counter greeted me I burst into tears and couldn't talk. lol they were so nice, they brought me a box of tissues and made me a cup of tea. I'm not one to cry in public usually but i just lost it and it was nice to feel cared about, i cheered up pretty quickly just having felt a bit of kindness, is that wrong? Probably, part of my disease to want sympathy and want to be babied, ugh. I don't know, it wasn't like I was planning it out, I was just fed up.

So I haven't moved house today and I'm tired and feeling full of shame and on the way home I went to the supermarket with my mother and she bought fish for dinner and she bought a piece for all of my siblings and asked me to pay for mine and my daughters and I gave her the money automomatically and just now I am thinking, why only me? Why does everyone else get their dinner paid for but not me? Why a I different? Because I don't usually still live there and freeload? So what? My siblings are all adults, all have jobs yet pay no rent and get all of their bills and food for free. 

But that's more self pity really. Ugh. Not impressed with myself in the slightest.