The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have discussed this over the years. There are days we can look at each other and think "what was I thinking?" and then there are days we can look and think "wow, he/she really looks good". When I was angry and feeling like there was 'nothing' there, I would stop and remind myself of all the good times and the good things we/he have done. Like no matter how he was feeling he always got up and went to work to support us. That was one of his ways of showing his love. Sometimes we take these daily things for granted. Love and marriage takes work. It isn't always sunshine and roses. But on the plus side, the hard times help one to appreciate the good times even more. Like getting a sunny day after all the rainy days - and if you look you see green buds and flowers sprouting. But you gotta look.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
33 years later... and just a bit longer in Alanon... it was no accident... my wife to be sent me along to my first meetings...
...and it did pay off because [touch wood] we are still married....
What is a normal relationship like- I had no idea.... In fact I had no idea what 'normal was neither....
Marriage took place against this background. It also took place against the background of woman's rights- something very new- and this bought challenges, and rewards as well...
...is it about love? Well, it has to be somewhere. Was it 'meant to be'?
Well yes, looking back- it must have bin meant to be... ...
Thanks kismet, what a great share, it's always good to hear from you on the board, sorry I can't hardly get to the chat room much anymore. Sometimes I now look at kids getting married and think "you have no idea what you just signed up for" lol. Not that all of it is bad, but there is so much work. And a lot of it stems from what you are writing about.
I first heard from Jerry F that true love is the unconditional acceptance of another human being. I've read my Bible a few times, and never heard that definition as such in there, but I like it a lot, it makes sense to me. Acceptance is harder to do the more you know about someone, like you SO, because everyone has their good, bad, and ugly.
So to me, given the acceptance, it follows that love isn't a feeling, love is a commitment. I will love my wife, even if she pissed me off today on a phone call. I will come home from work and we will work it out.
I will love my wife, even if she has a disease that she is doing nothing about. Part of the acceptance is knowing when Ican't help, when I have to separate myself, but still love that person that the disease is eating at. Knowing that person will address their disease when the time comes. And still loving them for it: not developing a slow hate, which so many people do if they don't have Al Anon-type tools.
And then it also means knowing when you can come back together, because that does happen. It has happened to me, my wife is in recovery, and I have had to drop PTSD-like symptoms when my heart sinks and tells me she is drunk again, but the trained brain responds and says "so what if she is? And maybe she isn't. Give her a chance. What does it matter really is she is?"
Kenny
PS Sometimes I fight those "what was I thinking" thoughts by looking in a mirror, then suddenly I think "what the heck was *she* thinking?"
Good share. Thanks.