Things are all over the place. I'm so happy to be moving in to a new place, stressed about the move. Pleased my daughter is getting everything she needs to start high school, stressed that so much has been paid for by my mother. I discussed this with her today, as she as insisting everything had to be paid upfront and she would do it, and I said "I will negotiate to pay the fees in installments, you can't tell me I am the only single mother who can't afford everything upfront".  I said she could buy some pieces of the uniform if she really wanted to but that was where the line was drawn. She said "I think you'll find other single mothers have help. Ex-husbands that actually contribute, parental support. It's not the norm to do absolutely everything on your own". Hmm.. Honestly I'm tired of arguing and being railroaded, I knew in the end it would be a case of "we will pay for everything and if you don't let us then you are punishing your daughter" and so much of the conversations take place in front of daughter. We visited my grandmother, I just wanted to see her and she wanted to give daughter her birthday present (the infamous super expensive ipad) and while I was there she started grilling me in front of my daughter, why aren't I letting my mother pay for her school fees, uniform, why am I being so selfish, she ended by telling me I am to 'shut up and behave myself and stop my nonsense". Sigh. I hadn't even argued, I hadn't had a chance to get a word in. I just recieved the lecture and decided to move on. My grandmother is too old to argue with and she has selective hearing anyway so, I changed the topic and started admiring a painting my cousin had created and framed for her. I just do not have the energy for this, it gives me a headache. I don't get to see her often, I do not want to waste time being angry. 

So today I go to buy daughters stationery and books. Mother says she is coming but is going to a different shop. instead she comes in.  She keeps looking at the list. It says a red folder. I get daughter the exact same folder in her favorite colour, purple, (the colours on the booklist simply say what you will get if you order from the very expensive service that delivers the stuff to you, they are not a requirement). Instead I go to officeworks and get all of the same stuff (albeit a purple folder and scissors that do not have yellow handles). I save about $100 doing it this way. Mother pitches a fit in the store over the purple folder. She snatches it from daughter, puts it back and grabs a red one. Daughter takes another purple one from the shelf in a very calm and I have to say sort of chilling manner and stands there with her purple folder staring right back at grandma who slams the red folder back onto the shelf and yells "I've had it with both of you. You just have to be different don't you. Why can't you just do the right thing". OK, when we arrived at officeworks, on the parking sign it said 1 hour parking for customers, and in small print"please see parking terms and conditions on the sign at the entrance". She went to look for the sign. She couldn't find it so she went into the store and asked a worker if he could tell her the terms and conditions of the car park. He looked amused and said said he would look into it and never came back. This obsessive "rule following" drives me mental.  The day previous I was at a pedestrian crossing with her. There were no cars anywhere to be seen and it was a small road to cross. She pressed the button and waited. Daughter and I were across the road before we realised she was still standing there. I crossed back, kinda laughing, she stood there for a long time waiting for the green man to tell her she could walk the 4 meters or so across the road. I waited for her in the middle of the road with my hands on my hips which made her angry. I don't know how to deal with it. When we were in office works there were signs everywhere saying "please try me" and many of the computers had signs saying "take me home today for only $$$". I considered asking her why she didn't obey those signs too? Anyway live and let live, but screaming at myself and daughter because we will not buy into it is another matter. I don't find her fear amusing, and i am not making fun of her but when she is too afraid to cross the road without the green man's permission, or has to leave the theatre and go to the ticket office to ask why there is no seat number printed on her ticket  when the theater is empty and she could sit wherever she wanted anyway...when she is dropping me at the train station and I miss my train because it is illegal to let someone get out of the car until it is parked in a proper designated parking space, sigh...well I feel sad for her and she thinks I am making fun of her when I sometimes react by being a bit flamboyant but in my mind, in that moment I am trying to show her "look mum, it's OK, nothing bad will happen if you just use common sense sometimes and cross the road if there are no cars". I know it comes across as making fun of her and I must not do it, she has every rigt to live her lfe by whatever guidelines she chooses. As do I.

It has been difficult between mother and I. Things have been a little nicer but every so often one of us snaps at the other, there is so much tension. It doesn't upset me like it once did; I am not allowing myself to overthink any of it. I just employ my tools as best I can and remind myself that I can only look after me, and chasing arguments and trying to conquer them does not help anyone. So each time it turns nasty I walk away, talk myself into a calm place and let it be what it is. I am different, I will not allow the same things that I used to, it is going to be difficult, breathe....breathe....

She keeps mentioning how inconvenient it is to have my stuff there. I have told her each time, it was her idea, i wanted it in storage, she insisted that was a waste of money. Today I got in the car with her and she started on how "she cant wait to have my crap out of her garage". I just shook my head and loooked out the window and she became very angry, "WHY CANT YOU JUST BE GRATEFUL". I tell her calmly.."do you remember why I did not want to bring my belongings here?" She huffs. I had told her, explicitly, i did not want to store my stuff at her house because I did NOT want to hear about what a big inconvenience it was to her every day and moreover, it would cost me a fortune to transport the stuff when I moved into a house over near daughter's new school and would be cheaper to just have it waiting there in storage. Which was absolutely correct. Now I have to move all of my stuff a very long way.

Well it is costing me a fortune, and I am hiring a truck for the day and A is coming to drive it, or that was the plan for about 5 minutes. This was possibly acceptable until he told me as payment he wants me to buy him a bottle of scotch for afterwards and he wants to stay over at my new place. ("I wont drink it all and I promise I'll be a happy drunk that night") That really doesn't sound like a great idea to me. In fact it is an absolutely awful idea. But I don't know anyone else who can drive a truck. I don't have funds left for a removalist. I am not going to get upset, clarity will come. I will have a better idea. If I had put it into storage, it would have cost me $240 in fees by now and it would have been right around the corner from my new place, I could have collected everything piece by piece in my car or even driven a trailer myself that short distance. Now that my stuff is here, stepdad has made it clear he will not help move it back. I am choosing to learn a lesson from this. My instincts told me that I should put my stuff in storage where I had control over it. Instead I listened to my mother saying "don't be stupid, that's a waste of money, we are storing it". Now it will cost me either about $700 for a removalst or about $200 to hire a truck and then I have a drunk A in my home on my first night which sets an alarming precedent I am sure you agree. Neither of these are acceptable and too high a price to pay. Grrrrr. I must remember that it is OK to listen to my instincts.

Sigh so later my mother disclosed a secret to me. "I threw your washing machine away". 

You WHAT????

She says, I am going to buy you a new one. Your old one was broken and looked disgusting. (I had spray-painted it all over with copper paint. It was actually kind of cool). She went on to say, it is my birthday and christmas present forever. And when I am silent she says "anyway too late now, the old one is long gone". I say thank-you, what else can I say. What can I possibly say that will make a shred of difference? It is a nice thing, but it is also so very wrong to have throw away my property without asking and then make me reliant on the gift of a new one...

And she bought me a very nice and expensive pair of cross trainers today after seeing that my shoes are falling apart. This was a complete surprise and really, something nice.. I am seeing there are good intentions, there is just also so much unwell behaviour and I am at a complete loss. Grateful for assistance and gifts, but I have refused to take hold of the attached strings and that leaves both of us in an uneasy place. I just won't argue, beg or be angry. I will do the best I can do and that's it and that's all. I have said before and will say again, I love my mother but for the sake of m sanity I just cant participate in these games. Daughter's and mine safety and serenity come first. In the morning mother leaves to go back to her beach hose. I will not see her again before i move out on Tuesday. I think I will leave a particularly nice bunch of flowers in a vase on her dresser for her to find when she returns that evening and not bother with words when understanding between us is at such an all-time low and every conversation turns into something ugly and childish. Or a plant. Maybe an unusual orchid or bromeliad. Hmm, there's something nice to worry about. Which plant? I'm smiling now, thinking about this.

Sigh now, tomorrow I am taking daughter to her giant slide birthday thing, remember...it cost me a lot for 2 tickets for herself and myself. Well she asked if she could invite a friend (all of our friends live back at the beach, hours away) and I told her no, we move in a few days, I am tired, I do not want to have to worry about being in charge of other young people or having to meet other parents, I want this to be just you and I going for a fun day together. So she hands me the phone this evening, and a lady I have never met is on the other end,  all excited "Oh this s so generous of you, thank you so much". Daughter has told her friend that if his mum drives him here from the beach, she has a "spare ticket" to this giant slide event. The :spare ticket" is MY ticket and daughter is trying to give it away to this boy. I tell the lady I am sorry, that ticket is mine and daughter is stepping well out of bounds offering it to someone else. The lady seems shocked and asks me if I want to sell my ticket then. I say no, I want to use it and she seems a bit scornful and thinks this is "unusual". I tell this lady I am moving house at the moment, I'm hoping to enjoy a fun day just for my daughter and I for her birthday, I am staying with relatives and I'm sorry but I'm not really in a position to look after other children and would like to leave it a that. She says "Oh well I just moved house last month" as if "well its no big deal, whats wrong with you".  Then she says she is buying tickets for her 2 sons and she will meet us there and then tells me to be half an hour early. She sounds very excited, she isn't listening to a word I am saying, she sounds pleasant enough but I do not want to go and meet a strange lady who will expect me to sit with her while the kids have fun on the giant waterslide, I am going to ride that thing for the full 3 hours and if my daughter is busy with her friends I am going to ride it anyway and I'm going to freaking well enjoy it. The lady in question can drive for hours and sit and watch if she likes, I am not going to change my plans or feel guilty, I paid $50 each for tickets to ride a giant slip n slide and I'm going to ride it, not sit in the grass making small-talk with a pushy stranger because I feel guilty and have been railroaded again. And if she persists in thinking I am "unusual" well, how will this affect me in the future, really?

So, I will take pictures tomorrow if I can

Thanks for letting me ramble.

(((everyoe)))