The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Being retired with no responsibilities has been a new experience for me. It has been a delightfully new experience with many reasons for gratitude every day for me. During the winter season, it has also brought some real challenges. One of them being loneliness as I have been snowed in or iced in or drizzled in on more days than I care to count. E-mail messages have their place, but they aren't the same for me as human voices, body language or contact.
I have been aware of the loneliness and have worked through it on many days. But, this week, it became very acute and it was truly a need I couldn't meet on my own for reasons that were mainly weather related. I turned the loneliness over into my HP's hands and worked with what I had to work with in my own home.
Yesterday, a friend just showed up at my door with a Christmas gift she had made for me. She had braved the roads to make sure I received her gift and refused to leave without our sharing a hug. I wasn't dressed yet. My hair was sticking up all over my head. Teeth not yet brushed. One of my favorite robes looking like it was 20 years old and probably is. She didn't care. I didn't care either. I'm not much of a hugger in real life and yet I just knew that being hugged by a good friend was just what I needed to give and to receive.
After that, I received an e-mail from another good friend who didn't want to wait until our February date to go to a blown glass exhibit. She wanted us to get together this Saturday to enjoy radio theater together. Then, I got another e-mail from another friend wanting to check in with me and to offer his services to rototill my back yard for the garden I have planned. The day was filled with conversations and human to human connections that I hadn't orchestrated.
By afternoon, roads were clear except for my subdivision and I could get out and talk with other people I am getting to know in various locations close to my home.
I went to bed last night without feeling that acute loneliness that isn't good for anyone and grateful that my HP had met my need for human connections when I needed them most.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 23rd of January 2015 08:44:03 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 23rd of January 2015 08:46:44 AM
I really enjoy reading posts like yours,as I struggle with loneliness also.I haven't been able to develop friendships because of living with an alcoholic,my focus was on him of course,but now that I am single I am thinking how nice it would be to get together with some women and go enjoy things.Of course winter also isolates me where I live sometimes,too.I am looking forward to spring.
((((Dear Catherine)) Powerful affirmation that HP hears the cries of the Heart and cares deeply for His children. I am happy for you.
I fell into the disaster of my son's relapse right after I retied so that 4 years seemed to fly by but it is a huge adjustment. Be gentle with yourself.
Thanks for being here and sharing the journey.
Sounds like you may have done some housecleaning (I do my best cleaning in my tattered robe) and made room for your HP to swoop in and fill the voids with the yummy stuff You do spin gold, lovely Grateful....
So sorry the weather has you confined.....i relate to the "talk/voice/personal over email" I lose interest if a "friend" only wants email when we can chat on phone or better yet, visit each other
cyberspace is so sterile...no emotions..no feeling...I am a 5 senses person...i need /prefer that personal touch
I so relate to what u are saying...........................BIG HUGS (wish they were personal/face2face)
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I too am retired. I did work a part time job for 6 years but decided now to smell the roses and kick back. It takes time to get there. I am still learning myself. I talk to friends on the phone and e-mail back and forth with other people but I am like you - I need the people contact every once in a while. I am looking to get into some volunteer work. I am glad your HP was listening!
The transition would be tough. I work crazy hours so people
Never know when i am available to chat or visit. It was not
Such a big deal when my husband lived with me but now that
I am alone i find i keep reaching out and calling friends or visiting
My neighbor. I havent really had these needs before that oneness
Is hard to adjust to. I am not really lonely but needy maybe its a
little Different but not really. In my regular life i see loads of
People to chat with if i have time. Its the being home alone with
Nobody to share your day to day life and concerns with.
Yes, it is an adjustment that is very new for me, Mirandac. My Dad and I communicated a lot, too. He died in March. My daughter is very busy at work. My grandson no longer needs me to take care of him as I did until he entered high school. And my very, very busy life ended in July. I didn't know how I would do this winter because I've never not had to go somewhere or do something. So, this is a new experience of learning what to do when I'm sealed in by winter weather.
Elcee: I smiled when I read your feedback.
Jen: We have things in common. Thanks for letting me know you are retired, too.
Nemesha: Yep! You and I agree on all of what you've said here.
Debb, NLG: Thank you and I'm glad it was inspiring for you, NLG.
Paula and Milkwood: I both chuckled and felt touched when I read your lyrical weaving of words and threaded in a bit of wit, too.
Loneliness is a difficult one . I recently left my job and too am often snowed in with bad road conditions. My spouse works away for extended periods of time. I too have often anticipated a very lonely weekend then surprisingly someone shows up, or calls and my weekend ends up nothing like I had anticipated. We never really know what is in store for us I guess and sometimes it is good things too.
I'm glad your friends were there for you when you needed them, Grateful.
We all suffer bouts of loneliness so I can relate to your feelings and emotion's. And you're absolutely right, email and texting are no substitute for real life human interaction and contact. I am guilty of taking the easy way out and emailing someone instead of picking up the phone. My problem is I can never end a conversation, I feel bad that I'm going to hurt the other person's feelings for ending the phone call when I need to direct my attention elsewhere. I've never considered myself a people pleaser until I realized how often I'm guilty of doing this. Or it's avoidance...
I like to sew, I used to do cross stitch, make quilts, embroidery etc. I recently dug out my sewing machine in an effort to try to do some things that interest me. I also decided to take up rug hooking. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time but just never did. I like working with my hands and sewing keeps my mind quiet, my problems go away and I can concentrate on just the craft. It's my meditation I guess.
I know you write and journal, do you have any other hobby's or interests you'd like to pursue this winter?
The hobbies and interests I will be pursuing beyond aqua yoga, water exercises, writing, MIP, Al-Anon and volunteer work I do at what I call a nunnery by my house is musical theater. I'm attending an audition workshop next Saturday (weather permitting) and if that goes well, then I'm auditioning for just the chorus for a musical in May. I also started Ballroom Dancing and the weather hemmed me in for that, too. Spring garden has been planned but its too early to start the seedlings. It's really just being hemmed in without human contact for long stretches of time that is difficult. I'm a person who spends a lot of time in solitude and I enjoy it. But, too much of it isn't healthy for anybody. There are hermits, but I'm not a hermit. Even loneliness has its gifts for me. Acute loneliness is another story. I'm a very communal type person. After time spent in solitude, it is also important for me to be out and about among people. I have friends who enjoy cross stitch, quilts, embroidery and sewing. I have done all of those things and don't enjoy it. I love to admire it though.
Wow Grateful, you are very active! I took Ballroom dance lessons a couple years ago...would like to get much better at the Swing but can't fit the lessons into my schedule again. I like dancing, it's a very social activity.
I can be a hermit. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. There are days I think I really need to get to town and talk to people and then I think forget it, I have too much to do here and I'm perfectly content to stay home. I'm also running six nights a week with my kids to their activities but a lot of the time I don't want to make small talk with the other parents. I'd be happy to sit in the car and read and often I do. I should have probably been a Nun. Actually, I should have been a midwife Nun. Too bad there isn't a need for that anymore, well, not in the US anyway.
Well, then, you'd probably like being at the nunnery that I go to? I got as far as a triple time swing step and the waltz with a turn and then bingo, the next class time - a blizzard. Oh, well. I'm glad we have some interests in common although midwifery is not something I've ever done nor would I want to. Just hand me the baby. I'll go take care of him or her. But, I wouldn't want to be there for labor or delivery. Nope. Mine were enough.
I never had the desire to be a nurse, but I would have enjoyed being a Midwife...and a Nun. I like the daily orderliness of a convent, and of course the more 'quiet' lifestyle. I've always had an interest in religious history and have studied quite a bit. There was a BBC show called, "Cadfael", about a medieval Monk who makes medicines from plants and roots and also happens to solve murders that happen around his village. Aside from the uncleanliness of the era, being a healer Monk would have been a cool job. Oh well, maybe in another life.
((((Grateful)))) I love the post because of the reminders of this journey we call recovery. I remember early on he feelings of loneliness which were wicked and like any other problem we face after the breakups awarded to the disease I sat and listened and spoke with my sponsor and my counselors and came to the understanding of "self" love which was often spoken about in the program in the meetings "not the self centered, egotistical kind of self love; the manner of loving myself as I loved others...the unconditional love and the recognizing and empathetic and compassionate love that recognizes value and extends respect. The values I started to see were that I was/am a valuable human being and a child of God and an asset to and in my family and community. The 4th and 10th steps got me there and keep me involved with it. I know the "HP's meeting the need" part cause some of the learning during the "loss of loneliness" lessons was that my meditation simplified down to the 24/7 awareness that "God is" therefore I can never be alone. ((((hugs))))
I understand the need for solitude, I need solitude to regroup and re energize. Too much solitude, though, has the opposite effect. i start making up stories about why this person did this or that, why this person didn't call back or text....it is the skewed reality I spoke of in Kenny's post. Then those oh so familiar feelings of pity, feeling devalued, creep in. Since I recognize the patterns from my years in al anon, I get myself showered and out the door I go. It is more challenging for me since I retired, as I have to be self motivated to get me out the door. No one is dependent on me but me....when I thrived on people being dependent on me, I had no problem getting out.....
