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I am the wife of an alcoholic. He is 62 days sober today and I am so very proud of his progress and commitment to sobriety. He is taking an active role in our family again, helping out around our household and best of all just present in the day, which is something we haven't experienced in about the last 3 years. I should feel on top of the world to have my family back as a complete unit again, but I find myself very angry alot. I am easily agitated and feel like I lash out at him for the smallest of things. I feel terrible because I know my anger is hurting him and he is trying so hard right now. Why do I feel so angry? I am having a really hard time letting go of the feelings of neglect and abandonment that I have felt over the last 3-4 years. He is so excited about having a life again and taking his recovery so seriously, but I feel like..."Am I just supposed to let go of all of those feelings I held in for all of those years? Am I just supposed to forgive him for the horrible way he made me and our 4 year old son feel? How do I forget the countless nights I cried until I was sick...the lies I told to family and friends to cover for him, the stress of being the sole provider physically, emotionally and financially for our family and our son all of this time? I feel terrible that I feel this way, but it sometimes feels like I am going to explode and not be able to regain control. I have not gone to an Al-Anon meeting yet. I know I should but I have some sort of anxiety about it and every time I make up my mind to attend a meeting, I find an excuse not to go. Can anyone tell me if what I am feeling is normal?
Hi CDOD Welcome to Miracles in Progress, I am so pleased that your husband is seeking recovery and is doing so well. What you are experiencing within yourself is very familiar and not unusual.
Al-Anon was founded by the wife of the founder of AA after he became sober, and she discovered within herself the feelings you describe. Living with the disease of alcoholism , we develop negative coping tools that affect our interactions in the world. Being powerless over the disease of alcoholism, which is progressive, and chronic it is extremely important that we learn to take care of ourselves in a healthy fashion. Al-Anon has the tools that can accomplish that. The steps when worked with a sponsor will allow you to let go of the negative anger and resentment from the past and begin to live your life to the fullest. There is hope and help
I second Betty's recommendation to seek out alanon. I do think the way you feel is common and normal for the spouse of someone in early recovery. It is frustrating. He may act lik e he should get medal for doing stuff that you and "normal" people always do. And yes, it is normal to feel both glad and annoyed as hell by that at the same time. 2 months sober doesn't make up for years of pain either. Ideally he will work the steps and k ake verbal amends and behavioral amends though changed behavior. For now, I get it...It's not "all better" or all "in the past." Get ye to alanon. Peoe will relate to you and vice versa. You will learn tools to deal with this. It is not easy at all. You are not supposed to be all happy suddenly just because he stopped drinking
Similarly, your life doesn't end if he starts up again too. Keep coming back.
OF COURSE you are mad....all those years he was a drunk and hard to be with...then he decides to get sober and he should get a pass????? NOT!!! however...the thing to do is get into alanon meetings and share this out w/your new recovery mates who can help you slog through the years of anger.....
Boundaries with AH will come as you grow in the program......I would focus 100% on me and my al-anon, let him work his own program...I hope he's in AA not doing this by himself....again....not your control...not your problem.....
al-anon is for US...the ones impacted by this disease.....When he gets strong enough in his recovery and is really seriously working the program, then he will when hes up to that point, then the amends come where he should "own" what he did...the misery he put his family through, but hes very new in sobriety and probably doesn't even have a clue as to the damage he has done.....thats where al-anon comes in....to help YOU find YOU and get on your even footing......the other al-anons at the meets will totally understand your needing to "unload" some anger and even to cry......yea, we all have been in that spot.....coming to forgive and move on takes a while, depending on what they did and for how long....some folks decide to just toss in the towel and bail......whatever...al-anon has all the answers you will need...trust me....its a miracle!!!
IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I support all of what has already been said. I remember having all of those feelings bubble up....I was one pissed off woman. I think a part of it was I could finally not have to be so concerned about maintaining the emotional balance in our home. I was so repressed.....I am happy to report that I am no longer repressed keep coming back!
When my wife was in her second rehab, I had to go to family meetings. At one of them I was reintroduced to Al Anon, I had gone to a meeting or two but it didn't work for me the first time. I asked "how do I get rid of this anger?" Same problem as you, anger, hurt resentment, etc.
At the same time, my wife was wondering "I'm barely sober - how will I stay sober if half the things my husband does trigger me when I am weak?"
The answer to both was Al Anon. I was able to vent with like-minded and like-experienced people. I was also able to learn what my wife owned and what I owned, and how not to beat her over the head with he past or the present.
My first Al Anon meeting was scary as heck to walk in, but everyone was welcoming, and I quickly found that everyone had ears that could listen and sympathize like no others. It was incredibly freeing, so muc better than trying to talk to someone else about it. In fact, I just didn't, and the isolation was a large part of my problem.
I hope you can get to a meeting. or you can try one online here, look in the upper-left-hand corener of this page for more info on that.
Aloha CDOD...welcome to the board and the answer to your feelings question is yes, it is normal. If you were not feeling that way you would be less than human or totally detached from what has been going on in your life. While he was out getting help because that was his job and being sober is natural and not a "special" condition you have not had the attention you needed in order to come to an understanding of what you have been thru personally. You have denied and been denied your own feelings up till now and in finding this MIP family that is about to stop. We have been where you are at now and found the support and understanding we didn't have either. Alcoholism is a family disease not just a daddy or mommy, husband or wife disease. Alcoholism destroys everything it comes into contact with and has for thousands of years. Thank God you've found help. The anger is much due to the lack of acceptance I learned and I didn't know why or how I should be so accepting of the destruction which was going on in my life because my wife drank and drugged more often than anything else and lots of other unacceptable stuff came with that also...like lying, stealing, cheating etc. When I reached the doors of Al-Anon I wasn't accepting of anything and I didn't know anything about alcoholism and addiction. I didn't even know that I didn't know. When I reached Al-Anon my perception of my wife was "bitch" and when I found out what alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism was...a mind and mood altering chemical that affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions of the addicted person and that it was incurable; that it could only be arrested by total abstinence and a whole lot more...I came to see my wife as a very very sick person. I still had the anger and resentments. They just don't go away because I find out she is a "sick" person. My negative thoughts and feelings were real and I didn't just have them because of her...I had them because I am human and needed a different way to respond to the insanity that arrives in my life because of the disease.
I'm also with the suggestion of face to face Al-Anon Family Group Meetings because that is what worked for me...better than my counseling even. The people in the rooms are just like us...normal everyday, children of God people who have been horribly hurt by the disease of alcoholism and who have the courage to reach out for help and make positive changes regardless of whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I hope you go as early as you are able and keep coming back here often.
I didn't feel anxious about going to my first meeting. I felt insulted. Me????? Me?????? Why would his counselor think I needed help? He was the alcoholic. He was the drug addict. He was the abuser. I was the person who kept everything together, kept the house, took care of the kids, worked part time, cooked from scratch, laid on the floor by my son's or daughter's crib when they were sick. I sure as heck didn't need help. I needed him to get his act together. I needed him to see what he was doing to me and to our kids. I needed him to respect his part of our marriage contract. And why should I go to a meeting anyway? I've got enough to do. I've done all I can for him. This is just one more thing for him, him, him. I'm sick of him, him, him.
Nope. I wasn't anxious, but I sure was sick and tired of hearing about him and doing things for him and going through things for him.
I went to my first meeting anyway. I wasn't the only one there who felt like I did about him, him, him. I also began to see that yes, indeedy! He wasn't the only one with a problem. I did, too. My problem was that I cared too much about him, him, him and not enough about me, me, me. I was waiting for him to wake up and show me the love and caring I deserved and that I wanted. I learned I had to do that for myself. He wasn't capable of it - not as sick as he was.
I do hope you do go. It is possible to do exactly what you fear. Exploding in anger. Going to meetings will help diffuse some of that anger for you. Come back here, too.
Welcome CDOD, this is a wonderful place and a place where I have come to realise that I'm quite normal - despite the fact that I too have all those feelings that you describe. It is so easy to feel guilty about not wanting to celebrate AH's sobriety but actually I'm as angry as hell and in need of some understanding and compassion as well.
You've been through a lot and there is still a lot of change going on around you. It is natural to have mixed feelings I think. But at least now you can shift your focus to rebuild your self esteem and perhaps even nurture and indulge your own dreams and aspirations?
I remember my first Alanon meeting very well indeed. My knees were shaking as I walked across the car park! I went there looking for tools to stop my husband's drinking and what I discovered was a room full of love and acceptance and kind, if slightly worn, out people. I saw myself in their tiredness and I thought to myself 'that is not how I want to be. I don't want to live with a tired and worn out me!!' Cue anger!! My lesson has been learning how to use my angry feelings constructively.
My husband stopped drinking 18 months ago and frankly I would still like to empty a pan of chicken poo over his head and make him wear a dunces hat for at least half a day. Not helpful for either of us but better than it was. Things are improving. I no longer wish to introduce his scalp to a sharp shovel and at least that dunces hat is not a tattoo!! I am one angry kitten and I'm ok with that but I would like it to change! Some of the anger is at myself, although I hate to admit it, because I think I've been a saint. However truth be told, I am angry that I let someone treat me that way. But anger is not ALL that I am!! There is more to me than that. I am also a pupil, and a joyous woman who is learning to seek out things that make me happy. My husband can get on with his own interests, I have other interests of my own. Perhaps there is a touch of revenge in my pursuit of pleasures, but it is what I need to do to learn to be happy again. And I feel a twinge of gratitude that he is letting me take the space I need to get better. (Who knows, he might feel gratitude that I am not reliant on him for my getting happier as well!!) Learning to trust that others are capable of holding things together for themselves, despite what I might think of them, has been a challenge but one with pleasantly surprising results! I'm softening slightly and that feels good.
No one outside of Alanon has ever quite understood my mixed emotions, how suppressed and taunt I became, how my world has been unpredictable and how on-guard I felt. Why didn't I cry and break down? Why do I feel like I might do those things now, when life is getting better?? Learning to walk on a looser, more flexible tightrope, and learning to drop my guard is difficult but these are my goals for now. I am scared of crying although I suspect that my relief will be expressed, initially, in tears. I'm ok with that. I might even learn to ask my husband for the emotional support that I need, once I've figured out what my needs might be and how to express them simply and clearly. I can't have those ghastly years back , they are what they are and I can't change that. But it is in my nature to seek out the good in the worst of scenarios and I can see that those years have taught me that I am a strong lady who loves to give (too much!) and that I have a right to serenity and my own good health. I value those lessons and I respect the lady that I'm becoming. The next stage feels like I might, more naturally, take responsibility for my own fun and laughter and contentment, and that is just as I would like it to be.
I feel that I've banged on rather too much about myself, but I felt a connection with your honesty, and ran on a bit too much! My apologies! My short reply is what harm can it do to try a few Alanon meetings? The good thing is that you will be doing something for yourself, and I remember feeling surprised at how good that felt. I hope you stay with us. Welcome to our community.
Wow... thank you so much everyone for your honest and VERY helpful replies. After reading them I actually felt so much relief knowing I am not alone in my feelings AND that they are normal emotions. I am definitely going to seek out an Al Anon meeting in my area. Hearing all of the positive feedback from all of you makes me want that kind of support and camaraderie as well. This is definitely going to be a long journey, but I refuse to give up on finding my own happiness. I have stayed with my marriage this long and through a lot of turmoil, I owe it us and myself to experience a relationship with my husband based on not only sobriety, but honesty and commitment and finding joy for us as well as our son again. I'm so glad to have found this forum. Thanks again for listening and giving me a little boost to take this first step. :)
-- Edited by CDOD on Thursday 22nd of January 2015 04:14:08 PM
keep coming back!
