Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

neshema2 wrote:
thanks for listening.....

... ..... ........

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Rose: I've read every word that you have written. What comes to me are two things:

1. I know you've been working on yourself because I've seen sooooooooooooooooooo much growth, healing and progress in you since I first met you awhile ago on the board.

2. When was the last time you went out to do something just for fun? Good ole, plain ole, kick up your heels and do something gloriously delicious just for you fun?

I pm'd you. You are loved just the way you are by me. You have lit up my life in so many ways and your e/s/h is a help to so many.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 10:48:19 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 10:48:50 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 11:24:22 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((neshema)) I do hear you and would like to remind you that this is not a self improvement program -- It is a self acceptance program. That means we must not beat ourselves up, judge ourselves, or blame ourselves We can see what we do and gently say,oh my I still do that-- HP" help "and move on.

Today's reading suggested that being patient with ourselves and others, is practiced by letting go of self will.

Self Acceptance is the key. Trust the process and be gentle with yourself
You are doing fine. You have come a long way baby :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am thinking you are a dynamic amd spunky lady. Those qualities shine in you...so whatever your inner child says....your outer gay pal says don't throw in the towel. Wrap it around yourself and make it a hug from those of us that care about you.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

No real wise advice sweetie. Just wanted to let you know you are loved and worthy of love today. HUGS!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm just in a very sad , grieving place now....

Betty, I had to smile a bit reading your reply...My sponsor told me, I swear, the EXACT almost verbatim what you wrote here...I re-read your reply and thought "didn't i just hear this on the phone a few moments ago???" so HP is telling me loud and clear a message....hopefully it can sink into my aching heart.....

I feel pressure behind my eyes...More tears will flow as i contemplate that it is self acceptance and that improvement is only a by product of the self acceptance...how to love me AS IS....seems so easy, but for me it is not

Catherine, I went book hunting at GW after work, my fun thing to do, trying to cheer me up b/c of the sadness i knew was trying to visit me but i had to tell mrs. grief, that she had to wait till i got home.....anyway, at the store, I am checking out and this guy goes ape dung over his register receipt, interrupts me and i said to him "dude, i waited my turn, now you do the same" and hes going off and here i am trying to have some fun and this guy is going mental....they didn't charge me for all my stuff...i told them to re-check my bag, total seemed short, but they waved me on, b/c this guy was causing a rucus...so i walked...they didn't charge me for 2 items....

so maybe i'll MAKE me go for a swim tomorrow...that is always fun

i am grieving, yes,

and Mark, thanks, my good friend, I will think about wrapping that hug towel around me

David, thanks for listening...I know..Some posts leave ya kinda lost for words....I'll work through this

and Andromeda, I am glad you guys love me b/c I may have to borrow that love till i can grow some of my own for me.....

I will shed some tears and not fight the grief that surrounds me now.....grieving like this , it is hard to type, like i can't put together a word w/out reversing letters or completely butchering the word..my spelling is bad enough, but this is over the top....

Anyway, gonna soak in tub and release some pain......

dunno what i would do w/out you guys......

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((N))) I feel the same way about you. Who in the world could replace our Neshema? Nobody that I know. I hope the soak in your tub will help you sleep well. Glad you got out of GW having to pay less than what you could have been charged. Kind of a hard way to save money, but you got to do it and you got some good buys, too.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I hated like heck to put this on the board...so raw...so personal, but i was thinking, there are loads of guests and members perhaps suffering in silence b/c maybe they don't love/accept themselves and so they suffer in silence b/c of embarrassment and or fear or maybe some kind of shame???

There is nothing to be ashamed of...I don't feel "less then" when i am weak and I share it on the board...I used to suffer in quiet and alanon taught me its "OK" to reach out and say "I HURT" and that is what I did here...I am processing some stuff...and yea, it HURTS!!!!

I am past being embarrassed....I am as sick as my secrets....i came out with this b/c I want the ones who feel the same way, at their low times, that they are not alone....

this was very very hard to put "out there" but I am glad that I did...Hope someone "out there" or "in here" gets blessed with this....I know I feel a bit "lighter"

time for a long long bath and letting the sadness pass through me......

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Neshema))))))

I always pay attention when I read your posts and these thoughts came to my mind.

Releasing the hurt by sharing really helps, and folks don't think any worse of you for expressing it. They accept and wish you well.
Even old timers feel pain, so as a relative newby I'm not alone or broken when I hurt. Perhaps the painful memories won't go away, but learning what to do with them may help.
I wish I was brave enough to express my feelings as honestly as you.

So you see, dear Neshema, you are, as you hoped, a guide and teacher in all that you do and if I had a magic wand I would put that towel on a nice warm towel rail and then, when it is good and ready, I would wrap it around you and, as someone out here, I would like to give you in there a huge hug and say you are more than ok, you are beautifully remarkable to me.

PS I am on holiday for a few days with a dearly loved lifetime friend. Since we were little girls she has been wildly accident prone and bumbling - we laugh about how, if I had a new toy, she would ask to see it and, in an effort to understand how it worked or what it might be capable of, she would usually break it! Yes, there were tears and upset at the time, but her treasured friendship remains unbroken after more than fifty years. She has dried more of my tears than she ever caused and I love her. I think that you too are a good friend to us all.

I hope today is gentle with you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Neshema))) There are times when I need to take a break from self reflection.....be ok with whatever it is that shows up. My perfectionist used to be the voice that propelled me to be " better". I learned there is no better. You are you and I am thankful you are you, as my life is enriched. Thank you for showing up in my life.

mjferg · Senior Member

I have many days like that.Some days I feel on the brink of tears,other days I feel periods pain and depression and fear.Some days I call myself stupid.I try to stop those thoughts,I say ''You are not a victim,you have choices'' over and over in my head.I know it is hard as you feel the pain.If it is real bad I lay down and do a meditation,sometimes I picture a nurturing grandmother who is reading me a story.I have been very stressed lately and it happens more when I am stressed.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

((((neshema)))) I'm so glad you shared. I love reading your posts because they're full of growth reminders for me. I've admired your incredible perseverence and ability separate yourself out of other people's insanity. To me, you post is not negative in any way and your feelings are very real.

Sometimes I wonder how life would be and I would be if I'd had a more healthy past too. It can be a lot of work on some days to not believe the messages I was told. That spiral downward for me comes at times of loss and rejection from others. This is when I usually I really benefit from the unconditional love of animals, a beautiful walk outdoors or talking with someone who's consistently loving and caring toward me until I can get back to that place of self love.

You helped me to fondly remember an old acquaintance and coworker who was on my path for just a short time. She'd been passed over for a promotion where we'd both worked and had come to my office crying. She was incredibily gifted and skilled in her work. She was the ideal person for the job in my humble opinion. She was a neat lady just like you - had some cool interests. One thing she enjoyed was drumming and chanting.

This lady was very outdoorsy and invited me for a hike one day. On that hike while we were talking about very simple things she opened up and told me about the abuse she'd experienced in her early years. I thought my response was compassionate and I didn't try to "fix." I listened and didn't ask probing questions and told her I was sorry it happened to her. Maybe she needed to share it and wanted to trust someone with it. I don't know but it was the last time I saw her and I felt hurt and disappointed because I wanted to get to know her more and maybe do more fun stuff together. I called her a few times but it went to voicemail and I didn't hear from her again.

I realize she may not have felt I interested her enough to spend more time with me. I also don't rule out that the sensitive nature of what she shared may have resulted in her distancing herself from me. i'm sharing this with you because I'm glad you keep coming back ((((neshema)))). You have so much courage, wisdom and fun things to share. I'd miss you here if you left.

Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel too. Thanks for sharing your recovery. TT

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Rose you are a keeper! You are tough and self sufficient.
You are a survivor and you are growing and changing.
Personally with your abuse issues i would need professional
Help processing them. The self parenting might be bringing
Out your old demons.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for such a deep, honest post. I can relate to the self sabotage and self loathing. Living with alcoholism seems to develop this in us. I try to work through it by thinking of myself in a different way, i deserve to be happy, i deserve to be my own best friend. Its my job first and formost to look after my mind and body. The nasty self talk that i hear too comes from a hurt place. Sometimes treating yourself like you would a special, friend. Gratitude and assets lists are the tools i would use.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW!!! So much wisdom on this board...add to that a pile of love and how can one stay down with this????

Grateful (((N))) I feel the same way about you. Who in the world could replace our Neshema? Nobody that I know.

((((((((((((C)))))))))))) thank you sister....thanks for illustrating to me that we are ALL unique and have a special purpurse

Milkwood Perhaps the painful memories won't go away, but learning what to do with them may help.

Dear Milkwood...You are spot on....i doubt, too that the painful memories will go away...i concur, but WHAT i DO WITH THEM........Yes!!! that is the key....used to be i drank or smoked pot....Now I am facing them and letting them pass through me, the emotions they provoke.......it HUUUUURTS, but it beats being in denial and stuffing them down in side of me..........

Paula be ok with whatever it is that shows up. My perfectionist used to be the voice that propelled me to be " better".

MY Dear Paula....my sponsor kinda said this, as well, to "be OK with whatever shows up b/c it will end up OK"....and oh yea, the perfectionist....can't prove them right....gotta be even BETTER to counter their sick, dark opinions of me that are THEIRS, not mine......I must keep practicing this and I will

Mjferg .If it is real bad I lay down and do a meditation,sometimes I picture a nurturing grandmother who is reading me a story.I have been very stressed lately and it happens more when I am stressed.

Hey Mjferg....I loved this...i lied down last night and i called out in a meditation to my loving ancesters or my deceased loved ones who DID love me and i meditated on them, on the other side, but still with me, just in a different frequency , hugging me.....and yea, when i am stressed it is more apparent...i think the stress weakens or predisposes me to not responding so well to the old ugly memories

Tired tonite I also don't rule out that the sensitive nature of what she shared may have resulted in her distancing herself from me. i'm sharing this with you because I'm glad you keep coming back ((((neshema)))). You have so much courage, wisdom and fun things to share. I'd miss you here if you left.

Dear Tired tonite (TT)...I think your friend shared, then got embarrassed, felt unworthy, felt like "oh she's NEVER gonna love me again, after i told her the dirty thing about me" we do that...we share then we RUN b/c we feel now that the cat is out of the bag, WHO in the world is gonna want US....I dated a guy, it was getting "close" he was non drinker (shock) and he was seemingly healthy...I shared w/him my past, not gory details, just told him i suffered imense child abuse and he dumped me in an email....said i had too much baggage for him, and he wanted a healthy person....OH and he accused me of not sleeping with him b/c of THAT...NOT b/c I happen to want to wait for love and commitment...oh yea, so i began to think....geeez either i stay alone or be dishonest and not share, not even if it is getting close.....it made me hesitent to share "out in the world" in fact i never tell anyone unless they PROVE they are safe...even then, I feel kinda like someone threw dirt on me......I am NOT leaving...just resting.....

Mirandac Personally with your abuse issues i would need professional
Help processing them. The self parenting might be bringing
Out your old demons.

Dear Mirandac....i think the demons showd up first, so i got out this book , well two of them, to understand the emotions and fears and the control issues...actually it is helping me to understand my situation...I got them recently from amazon.com and i always believed that understanding me would help me.....like knowing the enemy is part of the battle to defeat/over come it....the other book is adult children of abusive parents...reading them in tandem, i am understanding a LOT of whats going on in me.....i never could afford professional help, very much, so the Al-anon and the 12 steps and me are my "help" understanding why i feel the way i do, it all goes back to learning how to love and accept me....that is my ground zero i need to connect with and put into my daily life

El-cee Its my job first and formost to look after my mind and body. The nasty self talk that i hear too comes from a hurt place. Sometimes treating yourself like you would a special, friend. Gratitude and assets lists are the tools i would use.

Dear el-cee......i agree...today i am looking after my mind and body....did some mind work this am, and i agree, those old tapes are from the wounded self deep within.....Maybe i need to (affirmations don't work--words never did it for me) but your idea of TREATILNG me like I would a special friend, maybe the ACTION, whether i believe it or not, I will believe it....I am willing to try anything that makes sense.....and yea, the gratitude list i did, too...assets...giving thanks for a good mind, an honorable soul that HP gave me the courage to not lose in all this

Thank you all for some really great wisdom here....I related to all of you, from top to bottom of this thread, everyone of you gave me stuff to think and work the steps over......i did a deep step one last night, and I just came out and TOLD my HP....."i can't do this on my power alone and it has made me feel like life is one big "doing penance" and therefore i feel unmanageable" I also made note that my Higher awareness/great spirit within me COULD restore me to sane thinking, and so therefore, TODAY, i am willing to stop fighting this, quit forcing me and let HP take up the part where I CANT.....i expressed my willingness to let go the outcome......for me to just show up....do my work on me.....try sensible alternatives to my situation, and let outcome go....

so that is where I am at....these books are helping me to understand why i am reacting the way i am, why i do such and such and think so and so, and basically these two books are yes, the steps in total, but a real good step 4...to really really discover and understand ME...and how i "tick".....

reading some of the other book, made me actually feel some compassion for me, rather than scorn......so yea, I survived the best I could, now i want to accept me and be gentle with me.....it might be easier for me if i just work on being more patient and gentle w/me....

like i did with this horse i rescued some years back....He was an abuse victim....beaten, kicked, punched, even, treated horribly......he was a gorgeous paint (quarter horse lineage) gelding who was knock your socks off beautiful....Dark brown with the splashes of white on him, and his blaze down his face made him a lovely sight...powerfully built with a big chest and nice rear end...I knew if i could ever get on him, that sucker would be able to run and run fast...his legs were sound as a rock...nice..solid animal with wide set, intelligent chocolate brown eyes ....noone could ride him, owner was gonna shoot and I who was only 12 years old i begged him to just give him to me.....his name was Cedar....I took this frightened, broken hearted horse home with me and i tied him to the fence and looked into his pained, wary eyes , saw his body tense up , ready to defend and I just TALKED with him....softly...petting his head, and i just talked to him....took him for walks...hand fed him...groomed him, took care of him, ran my hands gently all over him, as i told him stories about my school day........sat for weeks talking and treating him with acceptance and genteel....little by little he began to accept and like me, he would knicker when he saw me coming....

i introduced him to a bridle and the leather scared him at first b/c that is what he was beaten with..well one of the instruments of torture they used on him....they would tie him real close to the fence and whip him....so i would slowly approach him with the bridle and just carress him with it.....eventually i was able to put it on him and thus began his ground training.....after a couple of weeks of commands from the ground, i would hug his neck and hang onto him and he would "walk me" through out the paddock....i am hanging on and he feels my body, my weight and hearing my gentle talking and encouraging him.....

the day i got on him, i expected to be tossed into the dirt...he was big, powerfully built....Paints are off the quarter horse lineage adn they are very popular amongst the native americans of which i am a part, and they are steady, sturdy, hardy animals.....this creature while i sat on him just stood there....i petted him and commanded him to walk with a gentle nudge with my heels......we had our first stroll together in the paddock until the trust built and i took him on trail rides.....he was my best buddy....one day i came home...he was gone.......the beast sold him on me....said i was paying too much attention to him.....he left me my other beloved thoroughbred named big Red, for some strange reason he didn't dump Red, but Cedar was gone....Later i realized that Cedar hated the beast....wanted to "get him" so he got sold...i asked around and a family got him.......SO.......I learned NOT to show too much love for ANYthng bc the beast would get to you by harming or selling what you loved......so from that point on, i loved big Red when beast was at work...when he was around, I acted like big Red was just a horse...not my friend....

i tried to train my A brother NOT to love anything or any one too much....monster would attack that...he rescued an adorable little dog...mix breed..heinz 57 and he adored the creature.....monster kicked her off the porch one time and then tried to shoot her w/his gun for "target practice" i screamed to "penny" to RUN...RUN and run she did....we found her lair and we snuck her food and provisions until one day she was gone...never to be seen again......Dunno what happened to her.......

i know my german shepherd, he took out in the woods and murdered while i was at school....he lied to me...said she ran....i never believed him and so for weeks i searched on my pony for her...searched and searched...crying out her name, over and over, from after school to dark, i searched..I was 14 at the time.....then mother in a drunken state, i guess either felt some mercy for me or had an attack of conscience, or was just plain sick of my leaving my chores to search for my dead best friend......dunno which, but she confessed to me that he took her out and shot her to death...., one of the few times I faced him down was that evening....He is in his office, doing office work, and i came in b4 my bedtime and i told him that my one wish was to see him go to his just rewards...I told him that I knew there was a special place in hell for him, and i just had to be patient b/c all evil souls go there...no body lasts on this planet forever and my only comfort in my life was that he would get his in the end and I hoped i got to see it...at that age, I understood about karma........He just gave me that dismissive look of his and went back to his work....What a thing for a 14 year old to wish for...

OK...enough of this!!!!! ....time for me to drag me to the pool and swim....water soothes me....water caresses me and makes me feel good....

Don't know why I thought of Cedar, and mine and A brother's beloved canines......But that horse.....we had so much in common.....he rescued me as much as i did him, really......

now i need to rescue me and start by treating me like I am my own best friend w/lots of patience and genteel and MAYBE, like Cedar did, I can learn to trust me and even love me.......

its gonna take time and a lot of patience, but I have a choice.....let this win, or overcome............I choose the latter.......I have fought all my life to survive...to stay alive and keep some of my sanity, anyway......I didn't do that to lose in the end, now that life is livable and I have a shot at making decent life for me,

I won't quit on me...they win if i do.......

love to all

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

So much truth here, Rosie. I can feel it across the miles. I can so understand fighting to survive all your life. I'm glad you did, Rose. I'm glad you're here - with us - and I'm glad you are wanting to let go of what can't ever be changed and to embrace the beautiful, spunky, honest, never give up on yourself person that you've become. Thank you for trusting us so much with your vulnerability. You are such a gift. Thank you for being you. I like to hear that you will be treating yourself to a swim in the water that you enjoy so much.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 21st of January 2015 02:33:40 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Rosie, When I sat down to paint this morning with only a simple unrelated idea or so I thought), the painting turned out to have been inspired by you. If you would like to see it, I am happy to email it to you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
I can so understand fighting to survive all your life. I'm glad you did, Rose. I'm glad you're here - with us - and I'm glad you are wanting to let go of what can't ever be changed and to embrace the beautiful, spunky, honest, never give up on yourself person that you've become. Thank you for trusting us so much with your vulnerability. You are such a gift. Thank you for being you. I like to hear that you will be treating yourself to a swim in the water that you enjoy so much.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 21st of January 2015 02:33:40 PM

Hey ((((C))))) i am glad i am here w/you all too....and no, i can't change it but i can deal with it better, more peaceful, don't fight it, etc., it was real hard to share that , but i am glad that I did...Good people are not gonna dump me b/c i have some baggage that I am doing my best to leave, unclaimed at the airport so i can "fly lighter" thank YOU for being YOU.....yep...strengthening exerices and then the pool.......got my bathing suite out, getting ready to go...soon...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Rosie, When I sat down to paint this morning with only a simple unrelated idea or so I thought), the painting turned out to have been inspired by you. If you would like to see it, I am happy to email it to you.

(((((((((((((((Paula)))))))))))) I would not only be happy to get it, I would be honored to receive a painting from our Paula.....for you to want to do this really touches my heart.....would LOVE to see your love work in my in box....i always love your paintings...i see the love, warmth, kinda "hug me safe" aspects of you in those paintings.......I am glad u like to do that!!! me, I like to write, and i love storytelling to the children....hugs of gratitude for you all

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

HEY!!!! HAD to tell you all this as i prepare for my swim....

I am brushing my teeth, getting ready to go to pool and it hits me!!!!!!

I am grieving over the way I treat me...NOT so much the past and what happened, but I am grieving over how i treated me the other night....Sorrow....Real sorrow for the way I treat me....Not just the "oh yea, ok..i berate me/beat me up, whatever" but REAL genuine "OMG, how SAD, I treat me like this and I DONT deserve it"

this is a first.....hope this made sense....and the sorrow, grief usually leads to amends right??????

maybe this is a breakthrough albeit a painful one, maybe it is....I feel sorrow for how I treat me and compassion for my wounded self, b/c I am REWOUNDING me each time I do this....and I feel sorrow.....compassion.....not the oh poor me thing but real desire to CHANGE

so i did the S prayer....

Kinda makes me think i am more in the present then I think i am , to feel sorrow how i treat me now.....how I really am distancing myself from the past and the ones who represent my painful memories, distancing myself from all the hate, resentment, just feeling sad b/c of the way I treat me NOW!!!!

I hope this made sense......

Just had to tell you all b4 I run out the door.............

thanks ya'll for the GREAT comments/replies

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Rose, I get it and I love that you get it. Your beautiful soul is a happy one right now. You are free.....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

aww

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think this is great awareness nesh. Its like allowing the feelings, walking with them rather than fighting them and then being open enough to look at where they come from. I would see this as a breakthrough and it might be that if they come up again you will knkw what to do with them.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

neshema, I'm right there with you. I'm feeling very confused right now, so I'm trying to be still and listen to my HP. I know God will guide me. I feel I'm not making the progress that I need. I started blaming myself for this. I'm thinking I'm not working hard enough. But today, I walked outside in almost spring like weather and I could feel my HP telling me to slow down, no need to rush. You have the rest of your life to recover. So that's what I'm doing.

So dear sister neshema, slow down, no need to rush. Hold on to that towel, and take one step at a time.

I love you dearly, neshema.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Oh Rose, I get it and I love that you get it. Your beautiful soul is a happy one right now. You are free.....

Dear (((((P)))) I got your painting.....its my cell wallpaper....LOVE it......U R the best.....when i saw it i was like WOW!!!! it is so beautiful, its my cell wallpaper.... hope that is ok......Major HUGS

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:
I think this is great awareness nesh. Its like allowing the feelings, walking with them rather than fighting them and then being open enough to look at where they come from. I would see this as a breakthrough and it might be that if they come up again you will knkw what to do with them.

Yep, I think I am on to something...this is a different type of grief....a grief about me and how badly i am treating me.....nothing any more to do with them.....and i am allowing the feelings...walking w/them , you got it el-cee....spot on here!!!! and yea, i will know what to do with them.....thanks so much

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

cloudyskies wrote:
I walked outside in almost spring like weather and I could feel my HP telling me to slow down, no need to rush. You have the rest of your life to recover. So that's what I'm doing.
So dear sister neshema, slow down, no need to rush. Hold on to that towel, and take one step at a time.
I love you dearly, neshema.

My Dear ((((((Linda))))))) i see much progress in you...and I couldn't be happier sharing this journey with a sweet soul like you......loved that you walked outside and felt your HP telling YOU to do what MY HP is telling ME to do..... "SLOW down......No need to rush.....You have the rest of your life to recover" I think our HP's are talking to each other b/c in the pool, doing my strokes, and my swimming, I DID slow down, watched my body cut through the water, watched the speed increasing w/powerful strokes.......felt the water as i cut through it......i SLOWED down and I experienced that precise moment....AND there was a nice fellow there whom I had a nice chat with...hes an animal and nature lover like me...so we had a very nice chat........

Linda, No Lie!!!! You are such a gift to this board....I beseech you to never leave here, I would miss you too much...........Love and Hugs to you, sister xoxo

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:

(((((((((((C))))))))))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am back from my swim....walked out of the gym and a soft rain began to fall....gentle....smelled kind of nice...you know..that clean smell that rain brings......It was dark outside and I walked to my car and got in and thought of all the great support and encouragement I got on this board from you all....It made me grateful....

I drove to GW with my donation (sort of an amend b/c i have NO idea what those sweaters they "gave" me last night cost as i ripped the tags off and washed them) anyway, i gave them their donation and walked back out in the rain....it was nice...not cold out, just this soft rain that began to pick up as i drove my short drive home......

when i walked into the house, i could smell my pinto beans in the crock pot slowly cooking, they will be done by about bedtime then I will package them up in smaller packs and freeze them to eat as needed , love the things.....

Anyway, tomorrow is to be colder then these middle to high 60's temps we have been enjoying , but i may go for a swim anyway.....

I DO feel a bit better today.....I am sure its bc I have some more understanding about what is behind this and my sorrow is about how i treat me now...not what they did to me years ago.....

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs back to you, Rosie.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You do whatever you want with the painting smile I am happy to have been a witness to a few more miracles today...I love ' em.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Neshema,

I love you for showing us how your thinking has turned around on this thread. And how beautiful that you instinctively knew what Cedar needed and that you are thinking that way for you now as well, so beautiful. I could smell the warmth of those beans in the crock pot at the end of a very special day. Thank you so much.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hold your head up and be your kind yet determined and strong self today!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

milkwood wrote:
Hello Neshema,

I love you for showing us how your thinking has turned around on this thread. And how beautiful that you instinctively knew what Cedar needed and that you are thinking that way for you now as well, so beautiful. I could smell the warmth of those beans in the crock pot at the end of a very special day. Thank you so much.

((((((((((((((((milkwood))))))))))))))))))) thank you sweetie!!!! i am brushing my teeth , my mouth is full of toothpaste and i am giving my teeth a real work out and it dawned on me THIS grief is about me, focused on me, for me, nothing to do w/those awful people....it was my sadness over how I treat me.....sad as it is, it is a relief, like progress with teeth on it, lol.......yea, Cedar was a blessing....He and big Red would run all over the paddock, playing tag...Lucky the quarter horse, another rescue of mine, was the fastest thing, i swear, on 4 legs for the short go, but big Red was the king on the longer races...(Used to race them all and win on these local area stretches of turf that went anywhere from a quarter of a mile to a mile, where other kids and i would put up our hard earned babysitting money on who had the fastest horse) nobody could beat my "boys" my happy moments back then were with my pets....

the pinto beans came out GREAT!!! Wish I could share a plate with you..I make a wicked barBQ sauce....

today it is cold...rainy....the dogs went to the restroom in record time and were knocking at the door to get back in.....so today is a day of rest and treating me good....

ordered 4 recovery books including Hope for Today!!! all used from my favorite book places...i think the total is about $25 but I am worth it.......Love and hugs....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
Hold your head up and be your kind yet determined and strong self today!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mark))))))))))))))))))))))) I shall!!! Today I shall!!!!! Glad you are back mi amigo!!!!! xo

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

A little Grin for you guys....

4got to mention...last night i come home from a delightful swim and you know i am reading 2 books....12 steps to self parenting......and adult children of abusive parents... well the younger pit bull AGAIN got into my stuff (spent last night putting up plastic gates over my bookshelves and also to block her from my nite stands so as to block her from getting into my stuff)

anyway, I come home and i see the remnants of a book.....it was my "adult children of abusive parents......i scoop up the tattered remains of the book and discover that the first part...the problem...the why i treat me this way is all in tact.....tattered, but in tact...readable....

however...the part that deals with the "ok, now this is what we do to work through this" the SOLUTION , is in her digestive track....so I guess if i want to get into the solution, i will have to Xray her bowel and hope the pages are numerical and in one piece

I ordered a used one from amazon, for $4 ...by the time it ships here I will have gone over the "why" and the new book will arrive and I will be able to do the exercises on the solution...AND, from now on, books and other tempting items will be placed in the new "gated areas" of my bedroom to keep her out of my stuff....

I'm hoping i won't have to crate her when i am gone...I need the protection and she only does this crap when i am gone....so today??? DOG proofing my bedroom.....

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love to read your ESH and how you are working your program. I am glad you are here and love your heart and Spirit. Sending you love and support on your journey!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Your doing great Rose, we are all a work in process. Alot of us
Come from abuse but differing levels. We need to rise above
That and let God fill us up with his love. You can not change
The past only ultimately forgive and move on and love yourself!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Breakingfree wrote:
I love to read your ESH and how you are working your program. I am glad you are here and love your heart and Spirit. Sending you love and support on your journey!

Hey Breaking, you have been putting up some great posts yourself, lady....and I am glad you are here and hope that ear infection is real minor and leaves you fast.........love and support back to you......

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.