The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is something I've struggled with for years though I like to think I've gotten better at. I'm starting my new course next week. It will license me for self employment. I think I could potentially be great at it as I like public speaking though it terrifies me and I do love the freedom of self employment. Anyway in my private moments the fears swarm in like flies on fish in summer, and I feel like a fraud, who would want you, you are chasing rainbows again why waste the time and money etc etc etc. Its a competitive market to be sure, and there are heaps of people who have experience, testimonies and referrals of which I have none. Yet at the same time I tell the flies of doubt that these people once started where I will be. and I think to myself that I am right for some people to perform this job. Still the doubts creep in. What to do family?
I have learned that a spiritual journey of faith also includes doubt and fear. One of our country's Civil Action leaders was once quoted as saying something on the issue of fear that can pretty much be summed up in these words: You think you're done with fear, and you turn a corner and its there to meet you. Not a direct quote, but something I remember from those Civil Rights days in my lifetime.
I have also learned in life as I walk my own spiritual journey that nothing can blow me out of what I am to do - nothing. I was to bring children into the world and raise them to the best of my ability with many, many obstacles in my way. I did it. I was to create something out of nothing that had no model for it. It came from within me. Doubts and fears assailed me constantly. Admonitions to turn back, give up, walk away, get low and stay low came at me from around me and from within me. I said "no" to them and kept on going as hard a struggle as it was for me. And I made sure and still do that I turn my will and my life into God's hands every day of my life, seeking knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out. In that way I trust, that even if I do trip myself up from time to time, even if I do get it wrong, miss the mark, allow fear and doubt to push me down, my HP will lift me up and S/He will carry me on to what it is I am to do. Only self-will/ego can stop me and turn everything to dross. That's not a bad thing either. It just tells me to get back to what is most important to me - a life of service that isn't just good for me but for the community in which I live.
You are a bright, intelligent, witty, loving, honest, capable and wise, wise woman. Those are assets and gifts of yours that you have cultivated. If you have fears and doubts, then you're probably doing something right. If you practice Step 3 and Step 11 daily and listen for that still, small voice that Betty often refers to, and trust that one day at a time you will be given all you need to carry out what you need to do to provide for yourself and for your children and to benefit your community, the fears and doubts that come won't bring you down and keep you down. Ever.
Dear Aquamom, I believe that an asset and gratitude list written each day, with new assets added to each list will help to reduce the automatic negative voices (ANTS ) that surface, This small activity will also bring the truth of your abilities deep within to your self esteem and eliminate self doubt.
Please always remember that you are an intelligent, educated, professional woman who has worked hard to develop the skills that you need in this new endeavor.
Prayers for courage, serenity, and wisdom never go unanswered.
Thank you both. That's exactly and all I needed to hear and be reminded of. I'll be reading and re-reading often as needed. Grateful....you lived through the civil rights movement too??!! Man. Nothing real happened in my generation! Yet I receive that and feel it nonetheless. Xo. Betty, you are someone I really admire. Thank you for being you. (((Catherine and Betty))))
Yup! I did. Riots. People being beat up in our high school hallways and bathrooms by people who didn't even know us. Busloads of people coming and throwing rocks through our windows - big ones - as we sat in our classrooms unsure of what was happening and no adults even talking with us about the frightening things going on that we couldn't understand. Even had days of high schools being closed because of the turmoil. That was intermingled with the Viet Nam thing, too. Assassinations. And the rising of the Hippy Movement and free love! It was a wild and crazy time. Lived through it. Wouldn't wanna go through it again.
Wow...I sure identify with this...Professionally, I have always "acted as if" until I mastered the job. The program has given me faith and some coping skills to quiet down those voices that say "you are a fraud." The realistic view was that I needed more experience and confidence. Betting this is the same for you.
I agree with the others. I hear that voice often telling me I am a fraud, a wannabe...usually when I sit down to paint. I paint anyway. I love that you can and do express your fears and feelings here with us...that is courage.
-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 10:39:31 PM
Wow I really thought the "fraud" voice was just me. Glad I shared this, thanks Mark and Paula. Ive actually let it chase me out of a few jobs. Interesting for me to get aware with and work through.
Hey aquamom, that fear that you are speaking of is self doubt. That's the part of us that wants us to quit even before we get started. Just push that part of you aside and keep going. When you reach your goal, that feeling of achievement will be amazing. Try focusing on what accomplishing this will mean for you. That used to help me.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
