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Hello all. So brand new to this and going to try to find an Al-anon meeting around my house. We have been in financial chaos and so focused on my AH's recovery that I've barely had time to take care of myself. Be warned I'm in the beginning steps here. AH is about 40 days clean and I'm still holding onto a lot of feelings I've had over the past 5 years I had to deal with though his drinking. There is a lot of emotions I feel but mostly hurt. I don't know if this is the right place to come to voice what I'm feeling but I need somewhere to turn. I know that Al-Anon is support for families of alcoholics but can someone please explain to me what happens at meetings and how I can help myself through this process? I'm completely lost and feel like the first two weeks of recovery for him were wonderful and a "honeymoon" so to speak and now i feel like he is going through this "dry drunk" phase as our family therapist described and I feel the same way I did when he was drinking! I feel like a part of me will never be able to let go of all this hurt and why can't he just be nice and like the person he was for those first two weeks of recovery. That's the person I know and fell in love with and why did he have to go away so quickly again? I feel like the only time he's great like that is when he's afraid he's going to lose everything and then when I fully support him and things start going great again he tries to sabotage everything and pushes me away again - again I know this is probably in my head and not the reality of the matter, but it's just very hard to deal with.
Any words of encouragement and explanation of Al-Anon and recommendations as to where I should start would be most appreciated. I'm so lost and looking for help.
I'm sorry that you are experiencing now what can be true for folks withdrawing from alcohol which helped in some ways to cut down on the amount of uncomfortable feelings that might be arising for them now without a drug to block those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that might or might not lead to a person with this disease taking the next drink. There are recovering As on our board who can better speak to this than I can.
I can talk about my own experience as a person affected by another person's alcoholism. I am a sensitive person. I care about others and it matters to me what they say and how they're feeling. Human beings are the most fascinating creatures on earth to me. The problem comes in when I care more about what they are thinking and feeling than I do about how I'm thinking and feeling. Learning to hear what an active A says and telling myself "it's not about me" has been a lesson in patience and understanding of me and of them, too. I know that I don't like being cursed at, yelled at, blamed or shamed, lied to, lied about, manipulated or second guessed. That's about me. If another person is doing those things that I don't like because they are unacceptable behaviors in relationship to me, I can tell myself the truth and do what I need to do to step away, step out, step back, or say "Stop it." I won't change them. That's their job. I can change where I'm standing in the room, what I'm doing with my time, how long I will allow someone to rant and rave before I take a walk, a drive, go to a meeting, have coffee with a friend or find another place to live.
People can be nasty. I don't have to be nasty back. People can throw temper tantrums. I don't have to react. People can blame me for how they think, feel and behave. I don't have to believe them or try to change their mind. I can tell myself I don't like this and do something that benefits me. It doesn't have to benefit the other person. They have a right to their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and the consequences of same.
Al-Anon is a good place to go to learn what you can do to take good care of yourself without expecting him to be any different than he is right now. It is a place to go with others who are going through the same thing and learning one day at a time how to enjoy their lives whether or not a loved one is enjoying theirs. We don't have to be victims of a sick person's healing process. We can be free agents deciding what we're willing to tolerate and where and how we are going to let go.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 04:07:31 PM
First of all, I don't think this is all in your head. In one of the readings in Al Anon meetings there is a quote that says, "Living with an alcoholic becomes too much for most of us". That also means a dry drunk, a newly recovering alcoholic, or a even a recovering alcoholic who is not working their recovery program.
Most Al Anon meetings follow a format, there is no cross talking and no advice giving. People share and you can pass if you are a newcomer and would just like to listen. Many folks hang around afterwards to greet newcomers or to answer questions on literature, etc. Your AH is still very new to recovery and his primary focus will be on staying sober. That's where Al Anon can come in and help you learn more about the process, meet friends who can support you, and give you hope that things will get better.
Welcome to the boards and please keep coming back. It does get better even if they don't get better because Al Anon helps families recover from the affects of alcoholism.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
All of which you are feeling is ok; it is traumatic loving someone who abuses substances to change their moods. It was surprising, sad and disappointing to experience the same crappy behaviors when my husband stopped using. For me, al anon meetings were comforting, as there were people that knew what I was going through. I attended several to find ones that I liked the best. Although the guidelines, principles, traditions and 12 steps are the same, personalities are different and the formats differed a bit. The meetings were a little intimidating, too, as so many were very comfortable speaking from their hearts in an honest way. I did not know my heart or my truth, yet, through my ongoing attendance I found them both and so much more. You will be fine if you work your recovery program and you will know what that recovery program is by belonging to the al anon community. Hugs
Ney Brand New, and of COURSE you came to the right place\
oh the drying out phase is he in AA??? or white knuckling it??? HOPE he is in AA
and oh yea, the changes that will occur...he has to learn how to live sober..how to deal with emotions he's been watering down w/the drinking
and YES, of COURSE you have feelings about this...his drinking impacted you more than you might know......so i hope you can do the face to face meetings...are there any in your area???? meetings, and all the alanon recovery parts are necessary to be able to cope with this now changing situation.....Nothing is in your head...U R responding normally to being with an alcoholic and its gonna get rough before it gets progressively better IF he is in AA and IF he works it and IF he stays sober....yea, things will get harder b4 they get better....change is difficult
I urge you to get into the face to face meetings so you can focus on the ONE thing you can help-----YOU
he has to work this out on his own...you can't control it or cure it , its his path, his journey, he has to do it......
i am glad you showd up and reached out to us..............IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The best place to start is by going to a meeting. It will be full of people who may have very different backgrounds, but once you hear them talk you will realize they have much in common with you as far as their experiences with alcohol
You will be welcomed and encouraged to share your own story, or sit and listen. You will also like be given access to as many Kleenexes as you need for that meeting and any ensuing meetings you go to. I hope you can get to one soon.
We also have online meeting a, look in the upper-left hand corner for more information on them.
