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Things appear to be, getting worse with my AD. Losing one job after the other, continued lies, etc. I don't know why I keep expecting everything to just suddenly turn around when she is doing nothing to have that happen. I keep trying to work step one over and over again but honestly feel very overwhelmed with worry and fear most days for her. I have tried to keep contact with her but lately it is almost been to painful to even see her because I just feel overwhelmingly sad when I look at her. I feel by backing off and letting her fall to her bottom is like a message of we have given up on you. Yet I recognize that nothing I have said or done to date has helped. I think of the emotional pain she must be in and how she is locked in a vicious cycle of shame guilt then self medicates with booze to cope. The longer this goes on the more hopeless I feel about the situation. I feel like I am losing my daughter and there is not a thing I can do about it and I am so frustrated and broken hearted. I know that I need to put my faith in my higher power and turn her over to hers but honestly today I sit here a blubbering mess feeling quite incapable of very little. Thanks for listening.
Serenity: One of the ways this disease affected me had to do with what occupied my mind most days when my son's disease was very obviously running its destructive path. My son as a baby. My son as a toddler. My son, my son, my son. My son who was using, losing or quitting jobs, acting like a spoiled teenager who thought he could do anything. My son the alcoholic. Most all of my thoughts were about my son. Not on me or what I was doing to me. I felt out of control because I wasn't in control. It was his life and he could get treatment or not. It helped me to focus on things I could control like where I focused my attention, whether or not I went out for lunch or coffee or a movie with friends, on my readers, a step, a slogan or sitting in a meeting.
One thing that is true is that whatever I put my focus or attention on grows. It was hard to focus on anything at first that I could feel grateful for at the time but I made a gratitude list anyway. Little things on my list like running water, a clean bathroom, the song of a bird was a spirit lifter. The more I could focus on making that list, the better it made me feel. I felt better because my mind was no longer focused on my son. It was focused on me and my life. The only things that were within my control. My son has and had his life. Yes, he was sick. He was also capable of getting help if he wanted it. He didn't. I didn't like that but it was true. I had to find a way not to do myself in worrying about my son. Some of the things I listed worked for me. Maybe one or two might work for you?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 19th of January 2015 06:48:58 PM
What a great post from grateful2be. your daughter! I am so sorry, I care, I will pray for you to have peace and for your daughter to find her way with her higher power!
I feel by backing off and letting her fall to her bottom is like a message of we have given up on you. Yet I recognize that nothing I have said or done to date has helped.
NO!!!! It is not giving up....its allowing her to walk her path....bad as it is , it is her path....i did this w/my neice whom i raised as my own daughter.....
what are you gaining by interferring???? i had to let my niece go to jail and SIT there...I refused to help her, to bail her out, to mitigate her charges, etc....she did prison time...
she told me not long ago, my tough love made her THINK.....i ALWAYS told her "i love you but you did this and you must reap what you have sown" and i told her i always would love her, but i am not gonna absorb her bad karma she keeps making......u think that was easy on me???? i have been her mom since she was a baby, then i got custody of her when she was in middle school.......yea, shes more mine then her bio mom, and i had to do this to save her life.........its a gamble...but its the best gamble.....the only shot at saving their lives
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Wrapping you in love serenity47, I can feel the pain in your words. Remember that your daughters choices are in no way a reflection on you or your love for her. You must keep yourself strong and well. Hitting bottom is a good thing. Hard but good. Up or sideways are the choices. Pray for her to hit hard and bounce up, I'll join in if you like. Moments like this are when we most need to practice self care.....food even if its just soup, rest and something that takes your mind off it even if for a little while. Hugs and lots of warm thoughts your way.
hey serenity47.....I just read grateful's post toyou....
it was so spot on.....when my niece/daughter was getting so bad and finally ended up doing time for getting high and attacking a cop, i had to just GET BUSY.....
i was in recovery by the time she did her last prison term.....not jail, that time but she made it to prison....oh yea, i had to go to meets all the time, i hung out w/my friends, talked w/my recovery mates, I did stuff for me....I took EXtra care of me.....she drew a 3 year sentence...served about 1/2 of it........now she is out, HOPEFULLY still going to therapy and NA meets, she says she is, anyway, i can't verify b/c i am in TX, she is in CA, and i wont' check up on her....she is or she isn't.....she is clean today..thats all i know and ya know what???? i take care of me....i work each day on the things i can....hard??? oh yea....but i am done losing my serenity.....life is hard enough, I let go what i cannot control......really there is no other defense then letting go.....
I feel for ya...really i do....its your KID...not a husband or boyfriend whom you didn't raise up, its your kid, but really...kid or no...i am done being up all night worrying about someone who refused help.....no more going to work so tired and beaten down from worry, no sleep, crying.....I MAKE me focus on me and take care of me......hardest thing, but I am doing it one day at a time.....
I do hope u can get yourself to a meet or maybe call a recoery mate???? someone in alanon that u r comfortable with???? anything to know that you are supported.......yea, we can type our support , but sometimes we need the face2face and a voice...........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((serenity) I do understand as I have felt the pain that you describe and know how dreadful it is. I would like to mention that you have by no means given up on your daughter. You have accepted the fact that you are powerless over her illness, cannot help her and have merely turned your daughter over to the care of her HP instead. You are now going to turn the attention on yourself so you can regain your serenity, courage and self esteem
You are both worth it an HP will not abandon either of you
Serenity, I recall when I was out there drinking and not coping well, my parents were worried, but I didn't think I was "self-medicating" or struggling so much. I was in denial. As frustrating as it is to watch someone in their disease. It's not like they are suffering in the way a sober person observes. They are doing what they want and what they think is normal or regular coping for them. They don't pick up a bottle and go "time to make myself suffer more." It is the only disease where it tells you that the problem is also the cure. So sorry for you pain. You are not alone in wanting better for your child. I also knew that my mom and dad always had hopes for me to do better. Whether or not they said anything or did anything about my drinking had no impact on that. I knew they loved me because I was their son, they told me they loved me, and they always loved me. That was never a question in my mind.
I had all the same feelings you are having now. I couldn't cope with my son out there killing himself and I felt I had to help him. Once I started to let go it got so much worse I thought I was going to die with fear and worry. But I found when he was at his lowest he would seek help either by going to a hospital or detox center. He would get himself back up for a while until he started the drinking again and fall.
I always believed my son would die if I wasn't there but you know....that didn't happen. He had enough sense to help himself some and then got himself into enough trouble that the State of Arizona took over.
Now one year later I'm living at peace and preparing for his release and he is sober, out of denial and hopefully learning to live a sober and happy life again.
HP ( MIP ) helped me to let go and let my son deal with the consequences that go along with drinking. I now my son growing up.......
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you Cathy. I am grateful for your ESH. Grateful I did do a gratitude list last night and I tried really hard to see what the silver lining in in all of this anguish. One thing that became clear to me was how grateful I am for my husband and our solid relationship. I am grateful for my children, and am striving to recognize how all of this is growing me as a person as I know it will and is. I handed myself and my AD over to my hp last night before bed because I was simply exhausted and had no more "solutions" . I would not have done this prior to joining MIP. It helped because I got some sleep last night and was able to focus a little better today and even laugh a couple times and show my crazy sense of humor which has sadly left me lately. For all of these things I am grateful. I am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you whom are strangers yet take the time out of your lives to reach out to me when I am hurting.
Your share makes me smile. Good for you. You started to experience how this program works if you work it. You are already seeing the goodness that really is in your life and some assets that are yours, too!
Hi Serenity. I understand your pain. My husband is an active alcoholic. I've been working my program for over 8 months, and I'm noticing I'm back at steps 1,2 and 3. Worrying about someone who is an addict whether it be alcohol or drugs is not something you can just "shut off." I have wished a million times I had a switch like that when it came to my ah. Life is not that easy. For a couple of months, I thought I had it all worked out. I knew how to put myself in my own little world and let ah be in his world. Once again our worlds collided. Letting go and letting God are five simple little words. But actually putting those words into action takes WORK. All of our lives our brains have been trained to worry about the people we love. So there has to be retraining going on if we are to let go. I am now learning that not only do I need to let go and let God, I also need to have faith. God knows where your daughter is, Serenity. God know her condition and knows what she stands in need of. All I can say is to keep working at letting go and letting God.
((Serenity))
It works if you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
