Detachment with AH when kids are involved...HOW?? - Al-Anon Family Group

Hopefull15 · Veteran Member

Detachment with AH when kids are involved...HOW??

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a painful difficult road that we travel. Increased alanon face to face meetings,reading the literature, living in the moment and working the Steps worked for me.
It is not a magical cure as it takes much work and a decision to recover.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
This is a painful difficult road that we travel. Increased alanon face to face meetings,reading the literature, living in the moment and working the Steps worked for me.
It is not a magical cure as it takes much work and a decision to recover.

agree...sharing and listening at meetings will help you get out a lot of anger/frustration and also you get good experiences from the others......

with kids, its tough but you can allow interaction with kids as long as hes safe, and just be courteous, polite, minimize contact/conversation adn let the kids have their dad as long as he is safe for them....

meetings 90 meets in 90 days will set you on a course to healthier thinking and living...it sure worked for me, and i have met the awesomest people in meets..face to face or on line

oh adn WELCOME

Hopefull15 · Veteran Member

Thank you guys for the encouragement....making a consious decision to recover is what has gotten me this far, but I feel like Im out of gas now...like Im stuck in freakin purgatory. Im sorry, dont mean to be such a downer but Im trying to figure out how to renew that determined spirit I once had because it feels he's 'winning' again. Long story short, he's crossed boundaries Ive set about respecting my time and communicating with me about visits with the kids....he's always been a live life by the seat of his pants type of individual and trying to plan visits has been a nightmare. Im trying to get out and start living my life but am still having my time (among other things) being manipulated by him. This was a problem in our marriage because I could never rely on him to be where he was supposed to be when he was supposed to be and could never count on him to come home right after work instead of the bar if I decided I wanted to go out with girlfriends....I.always felt like a prisoner of my own life.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Hopeful. I have no genuine e/s/h to share with you as it relates specifically to your situation. I did have difficulties with my x coming for the kids when he promised to do it and them being broken hearted because they were all dressed up and waiting for a guy who might show - maybe. I spent energy trying to find him - usually at a girlfriend's house - to encourage him to come and get his kids after sending the kids out to play. It was a waste of time and just kept the tension going. He was who he was. He didn't have his kids on his mind. He had himself on his mind. Part of that time, he wasn't paying support either. When I took it to the courts, his wages were garnished and he seemed to take more of an interest in showing up when he said he was going to show up. I don't know why. I just know I changed what I'd been doing and did something else. Coming to my house unannounced happened once or twice. I must have set a boundary that he got because he stopped doing it. I'm fairly certain that if he ignored that boundary I put in place, I would have sought legal help on that, too. He was not going to run my life or keep our household in an uproar. Of that, I was very, very certain.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Time to really let go and let God. Stop!! forcing, rushing, directing, wishing....STOP!! A lesson out of my Jerry F with his sponsor work book. I had/have to remember that I am forceful and there are many many times when that isn't necessary. That is like playing God when God is doing a better job at the situation than I.

I learned how to listen...slow down and listen. When Man listens; God Speaks (go get the book) Often times the kids are not involved as we are...they see the situation different than we do and understand that also. They usually will not take sides for many reasons and it wasn't my job to give them "my" reasons. Let them converse how they see the picture when they want to tell it and stay on your program.

My job was about staying out of the way of the disease and most of the time the only measuring stick I had was how insane I felt and was acting. Its okay to cut his insanity out of your life. You can acknowledge it and not join in. What are the consequences for joining in? For me the answer to that question is scary.

This is a process...stick with MIP and Al-Anon and we work it together...not because of him, because of us. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know for me I do not engage. period.

If you want to set up regular visiting of kids, there are options of him picking them up at someone elses home. There are no contact options. for me whether they mean it or not, i don't want to hear it and won't allow myself to listen.

I would examine what it is about me that I accept listening to this abuse.

You deserve respect. Anytime we listen we are agreeing to it. They invite us to their crap, I won't get involved.

hugs!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

Time to really let go and let God. Stop!! forcing, rushing, directing, wishing....STOP!! A lesson out of my Jerry F with his sponsor work book.
My job was about staying out of the way of the disease and most of the time the only measuring stick I had was how insane I felt and was acting. Its okay to cut his insanity out of your life. You can acknowledge it and not join in. What are the consequences for joining in? For me the answer to that question is scary.

Oh I love what Jerry said to you......just stay out of the way, i like that and Debilyn said "don't engage" same as my "dont pick up the rope he tosses at you" that i say to people....if you MUST speak, keep it at a minimum......and when i start feeling crazy and mind racing, i STOP...check in with me and ask me, whats up???? and i agree w/Jerry, it is OK to cut his insanity out of your life.....just not join in on it.......I so agree with this......i know, its tough when you got kids, but as long as he is safe to be with them, not drinking and driving w/kids in the car, etc., you gotta share them....so you do it on YOUR terms on YOUR boundaries.....Deb had a good suggestion about maybe he can pick them up at a relative's house or a friend???? i would do all i could to minimize this diseased mind's impact on me......if he wants to stay in disease, that is his problem, not yours to be sucked into.............take care and keep coming back ok????

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh gosh, recovery purgatory....I know that well. It was when I hit those points when I knew I needed to be in daily contact with my sponsor. You got a lot of great feedback here and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You are doing the best you can and I encourage you to just do the next right thing and sometimes that's just taking a nap or getting a pedicure, LOL. Hugs to you!

Hopefull15 · Veteran Member

Thank you guys for the suggestions....or reminders I should say. Im so thankful that I can check in here for feedback. Being new to this I tend to second guess myself a LOT and reading your comments, not just on my post but on others' topics as well, has given me so much encouragement....It may sound silly but I actually cut and paste snippettes to my own "Just for Today" list that I've got my phone...as daily reminders of my very own!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

What a great suggestion, Hopeful! I don't think I've seen that idea talked about before now. Thanks for the share.

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