Newbie needs advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Abg321 · Member

Newbie needs advice

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ABG welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am happy that your boyfriend has reached out for help and is receiving the support he needs to recover. We who are in a relationship with the alcoholic certainly do need to learn new tools in order to live by. First and most importantly we need to remember and accept that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease for which there is no cure but that can be arrested.. We are powerless over this disease in the other person however we do have power over the disease that has infected us because of our interactions with the alcoholic.

It is in Al-Anon program of recovery that many have found support, understanding and the tools to live by. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages.

There is hope and there is help and the best you can do for your boyfriend is to learn how to keep the focus on yourself, live one day at a time, not react but respond to situations and obtain the support you need in meetings. AA is the similar recovery program that he will be able to join when he leaves the hospital. There is hope and help keep coming back

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I'm happy to see that you are going to an Al-Anon meeting. They are for us and not for the alcoholic. The best suggestion I can offer you is to attend those meetings with an open mind and you will find hope and help for you - whether or not he returns to drinking.

One of the best experiences I had with a person once was their admitting to me that they knew they were an A and if they didn't get help they would lose everything that meant anything to them. I put boundaries in place to help them know that I was in their corner and I also wouldn't help them keep using. I meant what I said. He knew I meant what I said. He was still free to get help for himself in a treatment program or not. That was up to him. He did what he said and kept with it. Fast forward multiple years he is now happily married with a happy wife and three happy kids in a leadership professional position wherein he helps others, too. He can slide back. That's on him. But thus far, he has stuck to the promise he made to his HP, to himself and to me. I would feel much more hope for a person who sees his own need and sickness and does something about it than one who has other people around him telling him they are concerned about his using. Regardless, our program and theirs is a one day at a time program. Not only do our friends and family members have a disease. We, too, are affected by it and Al-Anon is the suggested medicine for those who join MIP.

Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 18th of January 2015 06:01:20 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Abg and welcome to the board. We don't give advise and we do share our experiences with you as honestly as we are able. For me I had similar thoughts and feelings about my alcoholic/addict girlfriend who shortly became my wife also. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and substance abuse. I learned over time in he program and then I went to college to find out more. What I found out everywhere told me that this disease has no concerns at all over our wants and wishes. It wants the alcoholic/addict dead. There are three solutions for the alcoholic and one is sobriety...the other two are insanity and death.

I found out a lot more in this recovery journey in Al-Anon, college and then also in AA for myself. What we are dealing with is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. If the drinking isn't arrested by total abstinence the body; including all organs decays and dies. Alcohol like other drugs is a mind and mood altering chemical and when it alters the "expected" person disappears and the person you love and crave for is not available...the person you are left with is the alcoholic mind, mood, behavioral altered. He drinks and you both get crazy. That is how powerful this disease is. It is called "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling. It sounds like he is your addiction now which we often talk about in Al-Anon. When I was married to my alcoholic/addict wife the disease owned me 24/7 365 until I was able to find my recovery in the AlAnon Family Groups. That is the best suggestion from my experience that you can take up on. Take a little mindset with you before you get there one that will give you some relief. For us it is called the 3Cees of Al-Anon "You didn't CAUSE this, You cannot CONTROL it, You will not be able to CURE it. (((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I support what Betty and Grateful have posted. It is suggested to newcomers in al anon that at least 6 meetings be attended to give the program a chance to be understood. I am glad you and your friend are seeking recovery.

Abg321 · Member

Thank you all so much for your insight! I will start attending meeting... I have a very open mind and I am very willing to give this a try..

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Best wishes, we are here to support you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I support what Betty and Grateful have posted. It is suggested to newcomers in al anon that at least 6 meetings be attended to give the program a chance to be understood. I am glad you and your friend are seeking recovery.

I, too agree with Betty and Grateful but i wanted to weigh in and welcome you....glad he is getting help and real glad that you see you need alanon....alanon is for us...to help us live a healthy life no matter what the alcoholic is doing......glad you two are reaching out for help

Abg321 · Member

Thank you all... I have a great network of support in my life, but I feel it's a bit difficult to understand my feelings and I think the people in al-anon will have a better understanding of what I am going through..honestly at this very moment, I am just fearful of the unknown... He is in a detox program and I haven't received any updates..im just worried for him and for his health...I know they are taking great care of him, I just wish I could talk to or see him.. I know it's better this way and I know why they do it, but it's still tough...They say the detox process is 3-10 days...after the detox, he will be attending AA meetings every day..that's the plan for now..

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, people working their recovery program in al anon will know you, as your story is our story. Keep the focus on you/your recovery and leave him to his. This sounds harsh, in time, you may not see my statement as harsh. Detaching with love is something you will hear often. In my early stages of al anon, I felt cold and heartless, yet I learned the most loving thing I can do is leave people to live the life they choose to live even if it means destroying it with alcohol/drugs and not having a relationship with me. I understand your worry....al anon will help you release those worries and can bring you to a place of peace regardless of the outcomes with your boyfriend. Best wishes for both of you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Paula's last post says it all. I let them to their own devices and take care of me. If I don't , then I am anandoning me and obsessing over another who MAY last in my life vs ME who WILL last in my life. My hands are full taking care of me he will have to deal or not deal. It sounds cold but it is the only self preservation measure to take.

Abg321 · Member

Very true! You must take care of you first..that's the only way you can be there for anyone else..you have to come first.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound like a very intelligent person who is willing and able to grasp new ideas so it especially wonderful that you have been kind as everyone's responses have said attend meetings, as if we are all standing around and you ask for advice on how to live life with an alcoholic and we all say in unison in a loud voice "get to as many meetings as you can, as soon as you can for as long as you can"

I'm sure we all have our own stories and I am equally sure they are all very similar. My first words of encouragement are the 3 C's. YOU did not cause this, YOU can NOT CONTROL this, and YOU can not cure this! By the time I found alanon I was already pretty far into my part of the disease of alcoholism and how it effects those who live with alcoholics so these words alone made me cry huge tears of relief...

I also want to say what I mean, mean what I say and do it without being mean (another al anon slogan) as you asked for advice, something we typically try not to give but rather share our own experience. You sound like a young person with your life ahead of you. It's okay to love this person deeply that you can not control (well you can but let's move on here) .... You will also love your future children, hopefully your parents and friends and other family all of these will be hurt by your choice. If you feel you MUST be with him even though you are aware this will harm your life your already in the deep end of the pool. This is my life experience and that of the many people I know in person who love an alcoholic. Some meetings made it sound to me like the al anon program was encouraging me to stay with this person and support him through the disease- because that is what I wanted to hear. Eventually I heard "take care of yourself" and make the choices that are best for you. I still couldn't let go... it was a long hard painful road. Ultimately my 'bottom" -the thing that woke me up was missing the birth of my first grandson because I was chasing after the alcoholic and his issues. It also hurt deeply when I asked him to come to the hospital to see the baby and he just flatly said NO ( he had lived with me and this daughter for 7 years, I had financially and every other way supported him through all kids of things, and he knew I love her so deeply). Think of how you felt when he disappeared for the weekend.. that feeling and so much more - that is your life choice with an alcoholic- Alcoholics drinking or not- are not emotionally "there" for you- I know you think this guy is... and for that I can't explain away on this page.. but I can tell you this disease is deceitful beyond belief! There is no recovery program that will cure away the selfishness breed inside an alcoholic! I also know a 17 year sober AA attending alcoholic man- equally self centered! Of course I wanted to love him too but ran pretty quickly when I saw the pattern.

Once choice could be to at least "slow down" your emotional attachment to this guy as much as you can until you learn more about what this path you are choosing is really like. The problem with that plan is the more we are with them the more we love them, for me this was through some pretty rough stuff, as if I was choosing to hit myself in the head with a hammer over and over again and I was surprised each time it hurt?

For me probably the reason I didn't leave sooner was I truly felt in my heart I would never find anyone I would love so deeply... guess what after a few years of not seeing the alcoholic and some( there is never enough) recovery work- I am now in a relationship that just pretty naturally works, easy, peaceful- and very emotionally satisfying- and there is nothing I feel the need to "fix" about him.

I understand and want to offer support whatever choice you make and you will find support not condemnation in al anon, I'm sharing what I know to be true life.

I let them to their own devices and take care of me

This is the only way to "help" the alcoholic, is if they figure it out on their own. Every time we help someone (anyone) do something that they could and should do for themselves we are telling them that they can not do it.

This was almost impossible for me to understand until I spent a good deal of time attending in person alanon meetings and even now I forget this often due to my personality and who I am.

The best thing about alanon is that these meetings are about learning how to live in a way that my heart and mind will be okay no matter what anyone else does. I'm not saying I don't care,, rather I'm say I care enough to behave in a way that is best for the relationship and best for me.

I would also add that there were several alanon meetings available in my area each had a different "personality" meaning each meeting was about the same core materials and I could learn from them but the atmosphere felt different. If you don't "like" the meetings and non others are available to you - I would go anyway... you will be surprised the people who may be different from you but can help save your life in an emotional crisis.

If there are multiple meetings available in your area you may find one or several that touch your heart in a special way.. all these people will be your lifeline as you go through this journey.

For me I felt an immediate connection, for others they don't know if they want to attend at first or not. Please try 6 or more meetings before determining what you think.

Actually I don't think you will live through this path you have chosen without alanon.. sooner or later alcoholism kills the alcoholic and the ones they love.., sometimes slowly and painfully. I've seen actual death by suicide of alcoholics and those that love them several times, I've know people who loved alcoholics so much and became so involved in "loving" the alcoholic they ignored their children, families, jobs, health and finances and became so emotionally sick they could hardly move... Actually I am one of those people... it hurts like hell.

I've known of a very few couples who say they "made it" together after they alcoholic got sober- their life is still very different from other homes.. it will never be what you think of a normal no matter how long he is sober.

I've known of couples who break up after the alcoholic gets sober- the alcoholic doesn't really see all your "help" as help sometimes or just moves on or often develops a relationship with another sober alcoholic.

The whole thing is really too difficult to describe, the chances of the type of "success"(sober "normal" life) you may be hoping for to me are not out there. The chances of you surviving and being a happy healthy person no matter what happens are high if you attend al anon and learn what we are all encouraging you to learn! Whatever you have in your mind as a "happy normal future"' will not likely exist with an alcoholic, sober or not they are not the same kind of mate as a non alcoholic partner.

-- Edited by glad on Monday 19th of January 2015 12:05:47 PM

-- Edited by glad on Monday 19th of January 2015 12:06:33 PM

-- Edited by glad on Monday 19th of January 2015 02:08:03 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Abg, welcome to MIP.

The combination of this fabulous site and alanon meetings have been vital for me. I have lived with my husband through twelve years of alcoholism and there are times when I have considered killing myself. That kind of thinking is absolutely not in my nature but the stresses of the disease do affect us and I think that it is useful to keep track of your own sense of self and also your self esteem as you step out on this journey.

When I feel that I am loosing myself in my husband's story and struggle, it is so easy for me to get sucked in, I take firm and slightly selfish steps to do something that speaks to and enhances the essence that is me. It might be walks, weekend breaks with old friends, painting, doing a further education course, buying a new nail varnish colour! I even have a list of things that I love to do because when I've been too ground down and become embroiled in AH's affairs I have even forgotten what it is that I like in my life. It is a bit like taking medicine. When I'm ill or down in the dumps it is easy to forget to take care of myself. The good thing in all this is that I actually get to enjoy a lot of things that I absolutely love. I have learnt new skills and developed new interests, just because I now know that I need to take care of myself. Before my husband's alcoholism hit hard I would always do what others wanted first and that left little time for my own recreation. So it turns out that even the storm clouds of alcoholism can have a silver lining, just not necessarily the lining I expected!!

This disease is manipulative. Trust your instincts and don't be manipulated!!! It won't help either of you in the long run. I hope you keep coming back.

-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 19th of January 2015 02:21:43 PM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Wonderfully put by both ladies, my ah has been dry for 30 years
the disease does Not go away. They need contant AA attendence
and being brutally honest with themselves Or they slide back into
their stinking thinking And bad behaviors very easily. They need to
Be held accountable that is A daunting task for an A. They love the
blame shame game. You can tell i am bitter but my dry ah is an addict
Still just does not drink or drug. There are plenty of other addictions
out there.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome.

One Day at a Time, by Toby rice drew

courage to change

one day at a time.

Others know more. My favorite is the first one.

I researched addiction, alcoholism. Affects of alcoholism on the body, what other health problems are more prevalent when one is an alcoholic etc.

Its a life long process, not an easy one. If you both are on and working a 12 step program the chances are better you will be happy. Myself I would never have kids, not have my name on anything with his, have my own bank account...good insurance etc. Protect yourself from the disease.

Make it so if something happens you are ok. Remember it is a disease, its not personal to you at all.Best way to help is to stay out of his disease. it is his alone to deal with. we are not their counselor either. He has his meetings for that. Be better if he would get himself into rehab. but that is up to him.

drinking is only a symptom of the disease.

Meetings are great, we have them here too. This board is the best! hugs!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Monday 19th of January 2015 05:47:54 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are going to a meeting ABG. Getting sober is a large undertaking and strangely, the most helpful thing to do is to let the alcoholic/addict work their own program on their own with a sponsor. People in early sobriety are generally very needy and raw. They will think and even say they need you to help them because it's painful to learn all these lessons and coping skills about life that normal people know already. Sadly, they need to struggle some and we need to let them learn the lessons they need to begin living life on life's terms. Alanon will help you keep the focus on you while he tends to his own recovery. Whether or not he sticks with recovery, it's a long road ahead. "Helping" too much in certain ways is depriving him the chance to learn sober coping skills. Alanon can be your haven while going through this. Probably the most helpful thing you can do for him is to model your own recovery that you develop through alanon.

Abg321 · Member

Thank you all for your input.. I know you are not really suppose to provide advice, and I get that.. So Im truly appreciative of your feedback.. Im hoping this weekend will provide me with some insight as to what my next step will be... My boyfriend will be leaving the detox center Saturday AM and I'm hoping to see/hear from him at some point... We have a lot to talk about... I'm also going to continue to attend my Al-anon meetings, because I want to make sure that I'm taking care of me... Thanks again everyone

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

"...I want to make sure that I'm taking care of me." Music to my eyes, Abg. That's what the program is really all about. Learning how to take care of ourselves in ever increasing affirming and empowering ways. Keep coming back. We're glad you're here.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.