Darn it I had something typed out and it got erased as I'm having connection issues. 

I wanted to share some experience that I had over the past weekend, that really tells me how far I've come in the last 3 years and I'm hoping I'm not repeating myself.  Sometimes I have a lot to say and sometimes not so much. 

Anyway, something that came up was the fact that I'm working slowly through my step 4 and then that I've been working on some other steps as well. 

Procrastination is my biggest sin.  Part of that I've come to realize is it's my way of punishing myself as well as confirming what the expectations of others have in me.  This is strictly my distorted thinking.  I did grow up hearing I would never amount to anything and my parents confirmed that belief by basically not having any time for me.  That my inner child having a tantrum at the moment .. lol.  My anger with my mom has a lot to do with that.  It is also a way for me to control how much pain I take in and it's self punishment.  LOL .. now .. how to deal with that one I'm not sure.  It will come as it needs to come .. it's not going to be an easy one to deal with. 

So I'm working on knitting together my inner child and my adult self so that I can soothe that little girl and let her know she's valued and worth the time that I have as well as taking things as they come.  Easy does it .. just do it.  It's been a mantra and I'm struggling at the moment with these issues. 

I think I've shared before that in the Saturday open AA meeting we are reading the book Drop the Rock and I love it .. it's about the 6th and 7th step and given me some new perspectives on how to address my own program.  It's nice in terms of a different perspective. 

We are talking about the 7 deadly sins and sloth and gluttony were the two yesterday .. loved that!

It's the self loathing that I'm really struggling with .. I know what I need to do .. doing it is another issue. 

The nice thing is that I'm able to be more objective about it and less critical on myself regardless of how other people react.  I'm able to address the issue and not take it personally .. that for me is huge progress my claws aren't out. 

The other thing is this is truly as happy as I've ever been in my life .. it's still chaos.  XAH is not seeing the kids ohhh he's trying a day late and a dollar short trying .. they are just done.  I mean the manipulation that is going on ... he's dangling a new dog in front of them and they are going umm no thank you.  We already have plans for the weekend.  I'm sure that has to seriously sting. 

In two weeks my youngest will be going to a friends birthday party.  My daughter has a bunch of plans with her boyfriend and I laugh because the boys tried to show up here last night and I said no. I was talking to her and her girlfriend and the reality is they have the rest of their lives to be encompassed by boys and relationships which I hope neither of them do.  I mean have a relationship don't have a codependent one.  Save the time for your girlfriends for your time together the boys can and will wait and if they won't to bad so sad not today maybe tomorrow. 

So at my house if you are coming to spend the night with the girls then that's what is going on .. you want to spend time with the boys stay home.  It's not to say they can't all hang out here from time to time .. they hang out all the time so this is the first weekend in about 3 that they have spent together.  I think that's an important lessons. 

So, just trying to work some stuff out in my head, I know where the issue is and I have an idea of what I want to do and I will definitely be seeing my therapist over this one.  Still .. it's just another thing to address that I really don't want to deal with .. LOL.  Hmm .. sounds familiar. 

Thanks for letting me share.

S :)