Lashed out at my ABF over the phone, beating myself up for getting angry at him. - Al-Anon Family Group

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Lashed out at my ABF over the phone, beating myself up for getting angry at him.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina It is a processa and seeing it is half the battle. Awareness is the most important step. You are aware, the acceptance and constructive action will follow.

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

I know.......these little tests get the best of me sometimes.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

AA is not the answer all, if they are trully not working on themselves.
It takes brutal honesty and willingness to change. There are tons of
Other addicts in those rooms. Some meetings are healthy alot of them
They feed off each others BS.

Save yourself heartache and pain and work on yourself and get healthy
Then find a healthy man and have a healthy relationship. Relationships
With addicts are not much fun. My ah has been dry for 30 years but
Not sober. It is three fold recovery physically sober,emotionally sober
and spiritally Sober. That takes massive ego deflation and willingness
to be humble to learn, listen and grow.

My ah attends AA for the last three years and the addict is alive and
kicking.He does not see it that way but i do. It is very sad and hard
to come to terms With if you love them. Addictions are stronger than
you or I.

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Thank you Mirandac
I can smell the BS and the manipulation over the phone in an instant, and I'd been doing great just listening to him and not reacting, until today.
Drives me nuts how he keeps saying how much fun he has at his meetings!! I never knew AA was so much fun. I agree, he may be sober but he's still talking like a drinker.

Al anon has been a lot of work for me in so many ways, but so worth it.

Thanks so much to all of you, the insight from all of you is valuable beyond words!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

You are doing great. It does take time especially if we grew up
In It or dysfunction we dont know what normal or healthy looks
Like. My family had both in spades i was ripe for the picking from
My ah. I thought his family had it all together.

Learning self love and self care are a big part of this program
And the giving over your will to your HP. To me those are the three
Biggies toward my own recovery. They are very hard to do when we got
Programmed differently. Our needs or thoughts were not important
Or validated by our family of origin. You start keeping your feelings
and ideas Inside so you dont get picked on or hurt. It is a very hard
cycle To really break. It takes lots of willingness to change and grow
And see the need for the changes within ourselves.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 18th of January 2015 11:11:26 AM

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 18th of January 2015 11:11:52 AM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina324 wrote:
(someone show me my picket fence with the perfect man please! LOL)
Putting the focus back on me, I know full well that I could have avoided the interaction. I don't even know why I said it, I don't even want to see him. I miss seeing the ideal man that I had in my mind.
*sigh* I do love how all those little emoticons can shake their little heads for me!

hey Kat...i don't think there is a picket fence w/the perfect man anymore....I think one is very fortunate in these days of trial and tribulation that they can love themSELVES and have good friends...yea, there must be good guys out there, but i wonder at times....perhaps for me the work has to be done with self love b/4 i can attract it from the outside.....I let it go....that is not giving up, it is letting go...if it is meant?? it will come...if not??? it won't....meantime I work on me to make ME a better provider, friend, partner to ME.....i hate being my own island but its better than being in a bad relationship....i have my friends...my "have fun" things to do...mostly by myself....and its not the best scenario, but its what it is for now......

and yea, you were in love , i think, with an IDEAL...a WISH....a DREAM that we all have....we are social animals who want partners and extended loved ones....things have changed....i don't know if it is the times we are in or what, but instead of fighting the karma, i just rely on the one constant.....ME and whatever part of the universe that is within me.....and sadly for me ALL of my real real close friends are either back east where i lived or out west where i lived...

here in the bible belt , TX, it has been different for me....its either go to church and "fit in" which I am not into organized religion or be sort of on the outside.....I've met a lot of guys, could have dated, but we were just not a match...either it was over religion or they drank......i would love to find a real serious, healthy al-anon who loves their higher power but has no interest in pushing their beliefs onto me......i feel like i am in Siberia at times, in exile, working my program, friends here, but not real real close ones....maybe this is so to force me to focus on me, let what i can't control go, and don't fight the karma........hard, but its the only thing i can do................i so relate to your post.........

also, i wonder..as burned out as i am w/op sex relationships, i wonder if being "friends" is all i can handle, being alone since summer 2000 , i am set in my ways now, recovering now, wanting a mutual, healthy, equal relationship that may be as rare as the white buffalo now....if it is not a match...not healthy for me, I pass....thus living alone

i do hope this post made sense...LOL

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

my xah pulled a very bad thing when my Mother was dying. bad. I told him to not be there when I got home. he wasn't. a dear friend came to stay with me as my mother just died, A was not there.

I learned to tell people what i want and need. Especially A's who have no clue, believe me. They only think of themselves, don't know how to think of others or what their needs are.

So I told my friend what he had said to me. she blew up. she was a long time friend of his too. he admitted what he said. she told him he had a lot of bridges to fix and told him the flowers, coming up just to feed, cards, etc. in time he came home again.

We had a lovely marriage then the brain surgery... ugh.

anyway I believe in telling my husband what i want and need. they are not mind readers and soooo different than women.

hugs honey.

oh forgive yourself! geez we are only human! Besides its not baaaaaaaad to be maaaaad. said a goat on sesame street!

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Thank you Debilyn and Rosie,
Rosie you're not alone in Siberia, I'm there too!
I haven't lived with anyone in over 14 years, and when the right man comes I believe I will know it. I knew sneaking around and checking his car, cupboards, garbage for empty vodka bottles was SO unhealthy. I started to feel more like his mommy than his girlfriend, and like his doctor by looking out for his health.

I'm ordained Buddhist, but an unusual spirit, a combination of many faiths, including Christianity, very spiritual and believe in a higher power. It is hard to meet someone to date that you feel that you are aligned with spiritually and with your value system. Rosie you're so right about working on myself to be better company to myself. The rest will come, and being on my own isn't the most terrible thing, being with the wrong guy is.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've stepped into some of those types of relationships, Katrina. Each one has taught me something about what I want and what I don't want in my life.

I like being with attic people who build me up and don't tear me down. I've had long-term friendships with both men and women who are steady and consistent in their behavior towards me. They don't try changing me or correcting me at every turn. I'm the same in relationship with them. The only experiences we have with each other for the most part have to do with shared interests and values. There is no rug pulling from beneath each other or lots of confusion or frustration. On occasion, we have misunderstandings that are easily worked through simply by finding out what each person was meaning and really listening to each other with an open mind and an open heart. Any changes made are due to each person's desire to be the best friend they can be to the other. I never worry about what they are really thinking because if something needs to be said, they will say it directly to me. I do the same with them.

Basement people do what the bf you describe is doing in my experience. Those kinds of relationships end up being very confusing and frustrating to me and those are the red flags that tell me I need to move on. The other person is worthy and valuable and not right for me or me for them. Those experiences have been disappointing and yet they have also helped me value myself enough to cut my losses and move on - being thankful for whatever I learned and the wisdom to see they aren't right for me for more than a season but not a lifetime.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 18th of January 2015 06:28:49 PM

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Grateful2be I like the attic/ basement comparison, thankyou for sharing!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Katrina324 wrote:

I'm ordained Buddhist, but an unusual spirit, a combination of many faiths, including Christianity, very spiritual and believe in a higher power. It is hard to meet someone to date that you feel that you are aligned with spiritually and with your value system. Rosie you're so right about working on myself to be better company to myself. The rest will come, and being on my own isn't the most terrible thing, being with the wrong guy is.

WOW, Kat, my spirituality is like a stew....yea, the meat is the belief in creator is LOVE and the rest is take a dash of that and a speck of that......not any one thing....many faiths like you said....and i do have a bit of christianity, but not like the bible /church goers.....and yea, its hard to meet someone who is comfortable enough in his own skin to let me have my own rendition of spirituality....like who CARES as long as I am a vessel of peace and love and goodwill right???

i liked what Grateful said about basement people and attic people...well in TX we have ranch houses that are on a concrete slab, and my attic is so small, my cat gets claustrophobia, LOL

but yea, joking aside, the analogy is right...I want folks who are joyful/pleasant/safe to be around...not the ones i used to have in my intimate life and thus i suffered so much..........i watch...pay attention....follow y instincts....and respond....when i follow my highest within me, i never mess up....when i 2nd guess me, i am in dangerous territory....the 2nd guessing is my fear or my coda in some other shape......

Glad you are here, Kat....hang in there....when we moved ourselves out of the bargain basement, and upstairs with the rest of the valued items, less of the public can afford us (emotionally, i mean) so therefore, we get less "traffic" by our display cases.......just saying, my friend

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

smile thankyou Rosie....I'm a work in progress......

mjferg · Senior Member

Don't beat yourself up.I am very new at this process,too.I haven't had any interaction with my ex,but if I did, as much as i don't want to react,I can't predict what emotions are going to appear.It is a small town and it is possible I will run into him,my plan is to not have any conflict,but I may not be able to hold my tongue.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.