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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Seeing it in myself.
Post Info TOPIC: Seeing it in myself.
missmeliss


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Seeing it in myself.
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Tonight my sister called me and asked me if I had a particular movie she wants to watch (I keep an extensive library of movies as well as books, it's a "thing" of mine) and could I set up a computer with the television so she can watch it when she gets here. (The technology in this house is kind of....retro...lol)

So I say OK, I can do that and she asks what I am making for dinner. Huh?

I decide not to get annoyed at this strange question (she doesn't live here yet comes every day, cooks, eats and leaves dishes, not my circus, not my monkeys, so whatever)...and I tell her I think I will be super naughty tonight and get thai takeaway, would she like to join me?

So she says yes and comes over and we look online at menus and find a place locally that offers a good deal (we are all a bit addicted to bargains in my family and cannot stand to pay full price for anything lol). So it is 6pm at this stage and she says she has to go out again, she will be back in under 2 hours, so we will have an hour to order before the restaurant closes. I agree to wait although I am very hungry already.

So I wait and wait, at 8:30pm I call her and no answer. At 8:50 I am a bit angry and I march up the street to get something from the cheap noodle pace at the end of the street before it shuts because I have no food here and I wants my spicy fish and fried rice!!!!! And while I am walking there in my head I am composing what I will say to sister, and I arrive at the noodle place and their eftpos machine isnt working so I have to make a 15 minute walk to the cash machine and I tell the man so clearly FISH only, no pork no chicken and no batter, gluten free, no meat other than fsh, I repeat and repeat as his english is shaky and he agrees and understands. I wasn't rude by the way, he was super friendly and I was too, I just made sure he understood what I wanted. I thought.

So the whole while I am walking to get my food I am thinking about all of these injustices (me being hungry, having to walk to get dinner, lol, boo hoo) and how I will tell her this and this...and i catch myself. It's a beautiful night out walking, and I am spending $$ on a meal so why am I spoiling it with anger and thinking that somehow things will be improved if I can make my sister feel bad and show her she has "wronged" me?

Deep breath, this is how my family are, this is how it is done, when there is a difficult emotion, you fix it by making someone else feel very guilty and shaming them and then is all better...

So I get home, my fried rice has so much pork and chicken in it that it is disgusting to me, and I swear he didn't just batter the fish once, he pulled it out of the pan and battered it again just to be sure. I cannot eat gluten so the fish is not edible for me. So the family way would be to blame her for that too (if she had not messed up I wuld not have gone to the noodle bar) and I eded up eating the fish so now I will have stomach pains and feel tired and sick tomorrow....also her fault, ad I gave the pork and chicken to the dog so he will fart all night...also her fault.....LOL it sounds insane but that's how it works here!

So, deep breath, step off the crazy train now Mel.l. So she calls me at 9:30pm, so apologetic, she was held up, I laugh, tell her it's fine, I had an adventure getting dinner, maybe we can try again next week. She seems very surprised.  I set up her movie for when she arrives and get comfy and watch something myself. 

This sounds so small and trivial but it amazes me how being around my family that awful defect rears its head...the urge to take a minor "sin" and use it to paint a big sob story about how "you did this and because you were late and didn't call you have basically ruined my entire life". 

I used to do this with A. It's so sick, I'm so glad I can see it and arrest it now.

It's just a dinner, sheesh.

 



-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 17th of January 2015 11:36:36 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
bud


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I'm sorry dinner turned out to be disappointing especially after your emotional turnaround. I'm not sure we'll ever know exactly why the food you ordered wasn't what you received, could be they did what was easier for them, or that they didn't have unbreaded fish, etc and thought that you'd be happy with what they gave you (because they wanted to think that, or because they weren't thinking much about it...) In the past, when I've been kept on hold without communication, I've sometimes ordered what I wanted in enough time before closing from the place that I wanted... and it was ok, but I don't know the dynamics with your sister.

"...this is how my family are, this is how it is done, when there is a difficult emotion, you fix it by making someone else feel very guilty and shaming them and then is all better..." interesting and true statement that has lots of resonance. Great awareness and I'm grateful you shared that so that I can have this awareness too.

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missmeliss


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Well, the food doesn't matter in and of itself. I don't think there was any malicious intent, I think the gentleman had not been in Australia for very long and he was eager to please but not yet very good at communicating in English.. He understood that I wanted ginger and "very spicy" fish and he came through on that one, the sauce was custom-made for me and absolutely delicious. So I don't feel resentful that he didn't understand what I meant by "no gluten" or "no batter" and that he gave me extra pork and chicken instead of none, lol. I think he truly did his best.
I didn't order from the thai place without sister because without the joint "meal deal" it was going to be very expensive to just order a couple of dishes.

So these very minor day to day experiences don't matter much but I am just really drinking in this return to my childhood home and family and seeing the differences in how I react, or don't, and how much I have outgrown sick and immature ways of being.

It's a really positive experience. I have grown, I have matured and become a lt more relaxed and at peace in myself, it's so encouraging and spurs me on to get my teeth into this program and keep going.

From little things, big things grow..



__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Debilyn


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Ah mellly, perfect example what makes me trust or not trust anyone. NO expectations. I can either say ok I will not accept anyone like this and x them from my life. OR I an do what you did perfectly. OH well, just watched the movie. then ask if she wants to meet next week. cool

People are going to do and be who they are, if we want them in our life we accept them as is. We can change only us anyone. I am so proud of you!!

Girl you are going to grow some ovaries big time having your own home. Growing more, getting job, no one to keep ya down. YOur thoughts are going to change, your attitude too. I bet you won't take anything from any rude person again.

For mom's bs. I would say, "You know I deserve to be treated with respect. If shes a B again, repeat, I deserve to be treated with respect....believe me she won't try to argue when you repeat and repeat.

With my tough students, my gang kids, we made rules. If they even tried to argue...me: the rule says no kicking someones desk, yabutt, rule says no kicking someones desk. the consequence was you don't get to have a chair for 30 min if you don't stop after 2 reminders. Funny thing was, they did it. lol Or givem time out... they did it. these are kids who would throw a chair into a window. lol I believe they knew I cared and loved them, they wanted me to have their back, they needed someone stronger than them. for in reality they got scared a lot.

ok how did i get into that??? lol rules are rules. best to say positive too. do deserve to be treated with respect. do deserve to be thought of equally when it comes to presents etc. don't is always a word I try not to use, as is should.

blah blah...hugs!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Debilyn


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Do you in Ausie have pet pot bellied pigs there? OH you need one!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
missmeliss


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lol I would love a pig but I do not need more pets just now, even having my pets in my new home is a grey area, ugh! I can't imagine what would happen if I brought home a pig LOL.

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
likemyheart


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Melly you hit the nail on the head - its JUST dinner. I am so glad you were able to turn your attention to the nice walk and night! So many times I think of turning my head away from the negative and towards the positive, like big hands taking my head and actually moving it so my eyes see the good stuff!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Seeing it in myself.