blindsided by revengeful feelings. - Al-Anon Family Group

aquamom23 · Senior Member

blindsided by revengeful feelings.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I think part of the answer to your "why" question might be, uhmmmmmmmmmmm, because you're human? Just a guess.

The need for revenge is powerful - especially in divorce situations. To be able to feel and admit it - good stuff, aquamom. You haven't acted on it. That's really, really good.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you know that the rubber band on the wrist worked for me. Sometimes my wrist hurt from snapping it so much but it made me think about the hurt I was bring on myself.

I pray you find a way to let go because what you do to yourself will never help him one little bit. Letting him alone with his choices and beliefs will hopefully help him to understand and learn without interference. Best teaching method there is for the A and anyone for that matter.

((( hugs )))

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Really grateful? It doesn't feel good feeling like this. Thank you for the encouragement. And also that its normal! I always feel like there's this little shaming angel on my shoulder. She looks like me and my mother rolled into one and points her finger in admonishment. This is unrelated to my post but a few days ago, I was out with the kids. I went to her something and when I came back, my daughters doll was on the ground. I picked it up and said to her firmly, if you throw your dolly on the ground again, I'm putting her in my bag. You must look after your things. She held on to her doll but hung her little head. She's only 21 months old, but very smart, walked at ten months, had words, but has in my opinion been held back by our inconsistencies parenting. Anyway, I am also thinking that as a parent, I need to relax a bit with my hardness. She might have me sitting on her shoulder in future.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things I've done in my life is to be part of an early divorce support group and then to act as a facilitator for divorced, separated or widowed people wanting to close the door on the past marriage. The angriest people I've ever really met were divorced and separated people. We would put folks in check when they threatened to harm their spouses. We didn't judge them. We understood that raw emotion. Just being able to express how they were truly feeling and what they were truly thinking was healing and a stress reducer for the newly divorced or separated. No, it doesn't feel good to experience that need for revenge and many people try to sublimate it or repress it or hide it. It doesn't go away. Because you expressed it, you have a better chance to work through it with minimal damage to you and not bringing harm his way.

Shaming angels are not the higher power in my experience. And the picture you shared about your little daughter was so touching. Hugs for both you and for your daughter, aquamom. Two of the most beautiful words I have read at MIP are: "I understand." I think that's what our HP often says - even when we're not at our best. I understand.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 16th of January 2015 07:53:18 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 16th of January 2015 07:54:18 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe it is all part of grieving the loss of a dream and going through the stages of grief. Working the 4 through 10th Step on the issue might help. This too will pass,

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Quite right. Shaming a d Angel are an oxymoron. I know its not healthy.I can say now though that its human and try harder to let it go without beating myself up for feeling it. Thanks Cathy....its true. Xx

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Argh grief again! Thanks Betty. I get sick of me when I'm like this you know? Patience and perseverance.

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

I can relate to how you must feel Aquamom,

I'm no expert on any of this, I fell into the spiral of alcoholism without knowing it was coming. Except, I'm fortunate, I'm not married to mine. I had the choice to stay or go, and have my own home, we didn't live together, no ties financially, only emotionally. And even that had a foundation built on mistrust.

I haven't seen my boyfriend since Christmas Day when I walked in for the family dinner and found him drunk again for the third time in a month. I made the difficult choice to not see him, partly out of being angry, but mostly feeling cheated out of what I thought was my ideal man. The first week without seeing him was awful, I felt guilty for abandoning him while he started AA (supposedly), the second week I felt angry and resentful, hearing little in his voice that he was really doing the program, rather than doing it for damage control to shut us all up. The past two weeks, I feel stronger and it all seems so much clearer to me, I made the right choice. I realized it's about me, my choices, why I have dated so many men with baggage, and a few others in the past with addictions. The rest is up to him and it feels so much better to let go of wondering whether he is going to AA or whether he is still drinking. I also feel this amazing sense of freedom and empowerment lately.

I like the rubber band idea, I've done it. Take classes, do something you've never done before, I go to the gym to blow off steam. Whenever I start to feel guilt or entangled in what he might be doing, I remind myself of what my future would be like if I were with him.

Stay strong! Kat

-- Edited by Katrina324 on Friday 16th of January 2015 08:59:03 PM

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Thank you Katrina. Lots in there I can relate to. Damage control to shut us all up. Yes. Expensive new rugs and appliances to shut me up and open the door. doing therapy but moving into a pub!!!!!! Och. Let go. Let go. Let go. Somehow I have to stop talking to him beyond neccesities. Can't inventory insanity. Just can't! I do like the exercise part. I took up running in my 20s and let it go two kids ago but I really miss it. treadmill maybe.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

It took a long time. I grieved but I grew so much. I'm thankful for all that pain. I couldn't listen to any kind of music except contemporary Christian or the kind with no words or I would break down crying. I could hardly talk to anyone about anything, but thankfully my ex A didn't want to come back and I thank my higher power every day for that. I eventually got so low it was kill myself or crawl out of bed and just try. Amazingly at the right time my higher power sent me a group of ladies I spent time with who had similar issues, all single all hurting we were just there for each other, church, coffee, holiday parties etc.

I did tons of yoga, I crawled back into my work and had some success and this proved very helpful, most of all I started trying to remember to love me first. then I tried to be like someone I would love, responsible, caring, motivated etc. Much more to this story.

I'm so happy now. It just took some time and my higher power often living second by second.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Grieving your losses is normal. When there has been abuse it seems
The grieving is deeper on so many more levels of your being. I loved
www.divorcecare.org it helped me more than alanon once i was
separated. I am still grieving it has been 6 months since he moved
Out for another woman. I cry daily had to cut back on my work load.

I still can get overwhelmed easily with too much stress. Be gentle on
Yourself you are grieving and recovering at the same time. It is a
Process, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel just not there yet.
I have given my will over to my HP that is a huge help. I just need
to do my Part and the next right thing.

I suffered from rage and anger, the only way to let go of the rage
Is to forgive ah and hand him over to Gods care. Let God deal with
Him not you. It takes awhile to get there. I still have plenty of anger
But rage will kill your soul. It is scary and very uncomfortable feeling.
I said ah would not want to be near me if i had a sharp instrument
In my hand. I scared myself with my level of feelings of betrayal,
Pain And hurt. I am usually a very peaceful person.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 17th of January 2015 12:02:03 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aqua the rubber band is a tool, I've used it however it continues to add pain to the journey. The resentments take work and considering (for me) doing the opposite...just for me...which is forgiveness. I was speaking with a friend this afternoon who was relating that a relative was having a difficult time in the hospital as she was moving toward her final hours and she called in my friends wife to talk. The subject was resentment...big ones against a husband who had cheater on her with a family best friend. My friend's wife talked her thru forgiveness and he said the transformation was beyond believe. The woman came to acceptance and forgiveness and her grief left. She died peacefully. I know revenge...I was able to act some out and only some...the rest was just a waste of spirituality and I let it go with help from the program, sponsor, literature, meetings and.... well you know how its done. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Katrina324 · Veteran Member

Jerry, your words are so helpful to me, I was holding onto the anger and feeling cheated out of the relationship I thought I had, it IS a waste of spirituality. Now I'm focusing on me, and the life that I want for me. I still care about him from a distance but know I would get tangled up in his problems and my emotions would get in the way if I am with him again.

Mirandec, stay strong. I don't know what your circumstances are but it is better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones. I heard that somewhere and remind myself of it when I feel like grieving over losing the relationship. And I'm the one that broke it off, not my ABF. Do things on your own, something new usually gets me out of a bad spell. My kids are grown and I have grandchildren, lots of free time to myself. I made plans with a girlfriend my own age to go to the Grand Canyon in September and do some camping, hiking. She's been in some bad relationships herself, last one with a gambler.

Aquamom, I hope you are doing well, you are so right, letting go is what we need to do, but so hard.

Love and light to all of you on here, you are all so insightful and have helped me so much with your posts!

Kat

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Aquamom)))) I can relate to your post and remember trying the rubber band; for me, it was beyond what a rubber band could help me with. My sponsor told me to sit with my discomfort as we worked on the steps and as I prayed. I prayed for the things I didn't have as if I already had them and I thanked God for things I didn't have as if I had them to (something that can help shift my perspective so I hear what it sounds like to be possible); I prayed for forgiveness and that I could forgive, I prayed for serenity, I prayed for the situation to improve. One day I woke up and my resentment was gone and I had forgiven - I can't explain it - it's like God removed my resentments while I was sleeping and bestowed forgiving my exAH. Now I'm working on forgiving myself. Sending prayers.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Powerful share Bud I agree

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Aquamom, kudos for expressing those feelings, not fun stuff. I have a few questions/statements that help when I feel resentments..... 1. I resent: 2. Because: 3. What is my part (character defects: 4. What would God (HP) have me do?: big hug

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I still have moments not of missing him but of wanting to make him pay for hurting me. Why do we feel like this? Maybe its like wanting a refund on a faulty good lol. Anyway I needed to get that out. must make a gratitude list.

********************************

VERY normal moments...we want to see the karma bash them into pudding texture, and sometimes we do have leverage to help that karma, (getting rid of them, maybe suing for damages, big settlement in divorce--whatever) but the bottom line is wanting retribution is very very normal...we suffered so they should, but if we let go what we can't do anything about and just give them over to karma, they WILL pay, in the right timing......what we put out to others, always comes back......its normal human thinking to want punishment for the ones who harmed us....sometimes we don't see it, but karma never misses.......

and yea, when powerless..grateful list always helps me get out of negative mode and into me/positive mode.....put out good energy...get good energy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know what? I believe they are so selfish that they are NOT hurting us. Its not a thought of well if I do this it will hurt them. Its more I am going to do what I want, I only consider me. that is how they are. They will never relate to how one can hurt another. Becuz it is all about them.always. Like they say something then we say,"well do you think I am stupid?" NO NO NO!

They are drunk you know they are drunk, for them to look at us and say I am not drunk we say that above. they honestly don't think we are stupid cuz they don't think like that. They don't have a clue that we think ,they think we are stupid. They only think of themselves.

My son said this last night. He said I cannot believe she thinks I am that stupid. I said all this to him. She doesn't for one thing they believe their own lies, that is how they are wired. they never think of how we feel they are not wired that way.

So revenge or any of that is moot. they won't understand your pain, they won't understand your coming back at them. I mean to them they have done nothing wrong. they are not empathetic or compassionate.

hey I used to think that way too. smells like alcohol, says its his deoderant. huh? what? He in his mind is only considering how to cover, not about us, not cuz they think we will believe it, but becuz they think how THEY feel.

I know this sounds insane, but that is how deep the selfishness goes. so might as well not get mad. they have no idea what it means if we do clobber them....

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi aquamom,

I saw a movie last night (Unbroken) that made me think of this thread re: revenge. I won't spoil the movie too much, but the main character lived through a WWII Japanese war camp, many cruelties happened to him, he was singled out many times for cruelty. But at the credits, it was said that as result of a renewed faith in God once he realized that he was spared death, he ended up going back to Japan and forgiving his captors.

Perhaps the rubber band works for the retraining, and the revenge feelings are because you are human, as Catherine said, but to really rid yourself perhaps some time with HP?

Just some thoughts.

Kenny

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to learn to forgive my parents, my older brother and my exAH and I did that working the steps with my sponsor. It took time and a lot of love from others until I loved myself enough to ultimately forgive me. I learned to take better care of myself and make better choices in my relationships. I can now choose healthy relationships and make boundaries with unhealthy people enough to detach and not be rippled so much by others. Keep showing up, reading everything al-anon and taking care of yourself. The 3 daily readers is a great way to start the day. When I first came here I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, because I realized I am codependent and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, because although I had already left my exAH I needed to read and learn everything about this disease I could and what made me keep picking unhealthy people to surround myself with. After doing the work I am doing so much better! Sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Sunday 18th of January 2015 01:40:07 PM

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