Bogged Down ... - Al-Anon Family Group

Hullibee · Senior Member

Bogged Down ...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen When I felt like this I increased my face to Face meetings, as well as increasing my readings in the daily readers. We are powerless over this disease so that we must take care of ourselves whatever way that looks.
Prayers for courage, serenity and wisdom never go unanswered

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen,

I'm glad you are getting professional advice on the divorce proceedings, and what can be done in the meantime as well. To me, you haven't described in this post that you are bogged down with his behaviors, it sounds more like you have accepted them and have now gathered the courage to change the situation. I believe that you may be doing better than you think.

Otherwise, as Betty said, more meetings, F2F and/or online, more posting here, and we will all be praying to HP for you.

Kenny

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Ellen When I felt like this I increased my face to Face meetings, as well as increasing my readings in the daily readers. We are powerless over this disease so that we must take care of ourselves whatever way that looks.
Prayers for courage, serenity and wisdom never go unanswered

I agree, Ellen, while u wait for divorce proceedings and even after and forever for that matter....alanon meets, and the literature, posting here, working the steps,,,making you focus on you an just let him be...you know hes drinking, most likely sleeping around....you have zero control over him...its a dead issue.....focus on you, help you...save you.....you really need to work hard on you .......IN SUPPORT

flagbabe83 · Member

From what you've typed, you are stronger than what you are giving yourself credit for. As cliche as this sounds, focus on you. I find when I encounter extremely hard times that I retreat into my own head. Try going for a walk or filling your time with friends/family other than your husband. You will make it through this. Keep telling yourself.

On a side note, have you considered going to counseling? I started and it has changed my world! I was feeling like I couldn't possibly go on with all of the stress in my life and my therapist has been helpful. While it doesn't solve everything, it helps manage the stress and anxiety.

Sending hugs your way!

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. Maybe I am better/stronger than I think. I just feel like I am wandering in muck! I am holding back the tears. I cry for no one but myself today. He does not care. His drinking is his only priority.

I need more meetings I know. I can only manage to get to 1 a week. Weather and school obligations are tying my hands. I do go to a counselor. He has been very helpful. I just feel after my encounter with AH last night that everything is under a great big muck pile.

I do have three books from the approved literature that I am reading too. I try to focus on good things but when I go home to an empty house all seems hopeless.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, I know its tough, but u can do this...u can....u have held up this far

online meets are 2x per day here....they are very very good....U really need to fellowship in the meets w/other alanons in your shoes....and therapy is good also........

hang in there...keep moving forward and just accept that u HAVE TO LET HIM GO....his karma will teach him the lessons he needs...U , meantime, take care of you and post here...read the shares...anything to keep you focused on you and recovery........

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Neshema I need to hear this. It makes me cry but I know it's what I need. Let him go!!

aquamom23 · Senior Member

The muck doesn't stop Hullibee. Living with the a makes it impossible I found for myself. There's just this old walking pattern constantly in your space. Maybe you could create your own bedroom in the meantime? I agree with upping your f2f meetings and breaking the isolation of this existence.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you. I am in the same boat. Living with my AH while trying to weed through all the divorce stuff, house stuff, job finding, etc. As others have said, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. The one word I've focused on these past few weeks is 'patience'. I meditate on it. I find peace with it. I need to find a way to just center myself and get through each day as best as I possibly can. I am getting to 2 meetings a week, wish I could do more but I can't.

Keep hanging in there sweetie. Nothing lasts forever and this is just another bump in the road(albeit a large bump, LOL) and you will grow through this experience. HUGS!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:
Thank you Neshema I need to hear this. It makes me cry but I know it's what I need. Let him go!!

its OK to cry, but ya know??? we gotta take care of ourselves...this debase situation he is putting on you is an insult to you as a woman, a human being, a deserving of happiness living being......

until you can get him the hell out of there...Walk away in your head...come to our meetings...go to face2 face ones. hang out w/healthy people...get out of the house on off time and do something for you....live your life for you and let him go as i said.....

i used to be obsessed w/my romantic partners and its easy to go from normal grieving to obsessing....we feel almost "comfortable" mourning over some jerk who does not deserve us...

he came home b/c SHE kicked him out...I know, this hurts like hell, and its OK to cry, but there has to be a point where we just say "ok..what can i do for me??" you are seeing a lawyer, that is good....in the meantime, he does not exist...i would NEVER sleep with him b/c you don't know what hes picked up from the other women, and i would just ignore him, he does not exist...sleep in your own room, cook for you....he does not exist!!!!

then when you finally get him out, he really won't exist!!! get any proof you can of abandonment and adultery, anything that you can stick it to him about....what he did was reprehensible, dirty and even dangerous for your health.....I hope you walk with the house and BIG settlement....really...but in the meantime, i would work on getting me healthy enough to go through the divorce...he probably will fight it b/c he doesn't want to lose his crash pad, but too bad...he did this to himself.....take care of you...find something nice to do for you......

hang in there and try to get into as many meets as you can and ask some of the other gals what their e/s/h is on getting rid of things like this.....I learned a LOT from the old timers in the meetings.....sending you PEACE

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

good about the attorney!I am sad you are going thru this. You did make the first step in getting out of it though. that has to be horrible.

Is there any way for now to maybe have your own space so you don't have to be around him at all? partition the living room off or something. lock on door to a bedroom etc? that is what saved me.

If he is ever violent, you may qualify for a restraining order so he has to leave.

Hoping for the best for you, you are awesome how you have hung in there. I want to see you get to a point where you post in and are happy! We will all hang with you so please come here alllll you want! love!

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee-

I can relate to your post. I remember very well those endless nights into morning that were filled, for me at least, with anxiety, anger, bitterness and resentment. I agree with the above post-ers that what can help--and has immensely for me is: going to meetings, coming to this site, reading the literature, getting a sponsor and working the steps. All of those things were what helped me get away from being so immersed in everything my (now ex-) AH was doing. What has been happening over time is anxiety is replaced with calm and serenity, anger with acceptance, bitterness and resentment with forgiveness and a commitment to my own recovery.

Lots of support here--sounds like you are at the start of taking care of yourself, as painful as this is.

wishing you strength and sending prayers

Mary

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for your ESH. I am hanging in there. I'll try the not talking to him. It's hard. I still want to act like a concerned spouse. Too bad he doesn't want this. He keeps saying mean things to me like "you're ornery looking, you're old, you're crippled". Just cuz he's acting like a teenager, I guess I'm acting like a 58 year old. Go figure!!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:
Thank you everyone for your ESH. I am hanging in there. I'll try the not talking to him. It's hard. I still want to act like a concerned spouse. Too bad he doesn't want this. He keeps saying mean things to me like "you're ornery looking, you're old, you're crippled". Just cuz he's acting like a teenager, I guess I'm acting like a 58 year old. Go figure!!

Hullibee, the more you think of him, the less you think of you.....this pattern can be broken in alanon...why put yourself through, caring for this loser????? everytime you validate that he exists for you, he slams you....so how many times do you want to be smashed down by a non recovering alcoholic who shares his body with the neighborhood??? i mean I would consider the source....he does not exist....and IF he would make a remark about me?? I would just look at him and say "I love me the way I am and what I think of me is more important" and (boy the old me wold have cut him down to his socks, but he wold not get it so its best to HE DOES NOT EXIST)

its up to you...how much you want to take your power back and from him, or keep putting yourself out there for him to push your buttons.....the choice is yours....i , through working my program, eliminated all the button pushers or at the very least distance myself from them, limit on what we talk about so they
CANT come at me........the choice is yours........i see a lot of posts about him and i would LOVE to see posts on what you are doing re the meetings, doing stuff for you, i would love to hear about what you are doing for you...keeping focus on you...........do you really care what this insignificent bed hopping drinker thinks?????? alanon will show you just how valuable you really are in the eyes of the universe...nothng other than that should matter.....

Hullibee · Senior Member

Oh Neshema I know I am coda. That's what I'm trying to break.

Ive been working really hard this last week. End of semester at school. Exams checking them, grading, and posting comments and grades. All normal teacher stuff. I also am a coach for the high school dance team and I have practice every day and the games two or three nights a week. That's why I can't go to meetings lately. I really don't focus on Ah crap unless he stays out all night which he did on Wednesday. Then I try to talk to him the next day. That's when he says mean stuff.

I read my ODAT daily. I also read Toby Rice Drews book. I also have been reading Co dependent and Getting Them Sober. I know my limitations that is why I try to post periodically. I need your support and appreciate it.

I don't think I am putting myself out there other than it's my fault I try to talk to him. I guess I still try to get through to him but I see it's hopeless. I want him gone but he's so stubborn I think he stays to torment me. He thinks I won't follow through. I'm trying. I have appointment with lawyer next week.

Thanks for everything.

Ellen

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Ellen,

I just wanted to let you know something interestingly enough since I have split with my XAH (yes FINALLY!) I'm looking way younger and he's looking a LOT older now. I find when they say these things .. it's really about them.

Now I've been accused by my kids of acting like a teenager .. the reality is that I think I'm just feeling my oats so to speak and I am kicking up my heels a bit.

I will have to post a new picture however I'm going gun metal gray on my hair and right now it's blonde .. LOL! I'm a brunette so this is a huge change.

What the freedom I have found within the program and within the ability to say enough is enough. I'm still searching for my middle ground. I sure don't feel my age and I know I don't look it.

So just know you are not alone and in the beginning this all hurts and that's ok it's suppose to. It hurts a lot. It's letting go of dreams, fantasies and dealing with the reality of what life is .. what that has turned into for me is realizing that I accept responsibility for my choices and while I have mourned the marriage to the fantasy I had .. I'm grateful for my marriage because I have two beautiful kids out of the deal. They are something else.

Let him stew and live your life .. it's precious and each day is a new day to do whatever it is YOU want to do. Trust me when I say the hardest thing to get rid of is an A .. I've been trying to for the last 3 years and he's even remarried .. he wants to blame me for everything and accept no responsibility for anything.

Hugs S :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:

I read my ODAT daily. I also read Toby Rice Drews book. I also have been reading Co dependent and Getting Them Sober. I know my limitations that is why I try to post periodically. I need your support and appreciate it. I don't think I am putting myself out there other than it's my fault I try to talk to him. I guess I still try to get through to him but I see it's hopeless. I want him gone but he's so stubborn I think he stays to torment me. He thinks I won't follow through. I'm trying. I have appointment with lawyer next week.
Thanks for everything.

GOOD job!!! good reading stuff...yep, reading, posting here, working on you...doing all you can to put attention/energy on you....good for you re: the school, I can see U R a busy one, lol.....knowing you are coda is 1/2 the battle...awareness precedes action......i would forget trying to even talk to him....like i said...the "he does not exist" treatment is in order here.....i hope you do all what is best for you and your interests.....you seem to be such a sweet gal, working with kids and all and your posts reflect one who is caring and nice...sooo bad what he did...now its time to stand up for you....

with adultery and abandonment, I would stick it to him so far up, he would look like a popsickle......

Hullibee · Senior Member

Serenity I read your posts all the time. I do agree that you look so much more happy which makes you look younger. I think I would look younger too if I could smile. I haven't been able to smile for at least a year. I'm looking forward to getting some peace.

neshema, he's out drinking again today (tonight). I decided to go to the movie by myself. I don't have girl friends. I ended up going to my daughters after I was at the movie. Trying to fill my time and not text or call him. I am trying to take care of me like you suggest.

Have a good night.

Ellen

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen it might be a good time to find out if he is seen other women. Sorry to bring that up and my alcoholic/addict had the same leave, drink and use and come home late also and I found out she was sexing with others. Of course I developed an STD. Brought the marriage to a quick end as it should. He's giving you "less than" signals...which is abuse...not legal to abuse people. (((((hugs))))) smile

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

It's so much more than that .. I wish I could verbalize it in writing better of how I feel vs what 3 years ago was like. I am so sorry that this is all so fresh and hard right now. I remember being completely and utterly devastated when I realized how destroyed my relationship with my XAH was .. I hadn't noticed until that moment that he left how bad it really was, it didn't get there by just his behavior .. there are parts I have to own and deal with .. no amends directly to him that is not on my radar yet. I can make amends by changing my behavior.

I hope you are going to f2f meetings, for me with so much isolation I forgot how to talk to people, and it's still hard for me in terms of meeting new people I do laugh at myself a lot now, things happen on a daily basis that 3 years ago would have been so foreign to me. Not to mention it's really funny how people respond to me now, I don't know that I go out in public without seeing someone I know from church, meetings and so on .. heck it's not like I'm dating or anything .. I haven't been on a first date in about 17 years now and I don't know that I'm ready for that part again .. maybe if it's in God's plan it will be .. not right now that's the truth of it.

In fact funny story, I work with mostly men and when I walked in with my new do I had to laugh at the reactions I got. One of my driver's says to me oh my that's man catching hair. I laughed and said it's catch and release I spent 3 years trying to loose the last one and I still can't get rid of him. I'm good trust me! Because of my program and healing in general I have been able to teach people how to treat me and it's very interesting because it's all very new and I'm still a toddler in the program.

It will come and it won't be all at once it's a process. It's going to take time. It requires self love, self forgiveness, learning how to treat myself better and stop beating myself up for the would have, could have, should have's in my life. It's not all roses at the moment .. oh wow .. it's a whole lot better than I have ever had it. I had forgotten how to laugh. I am learning how to have fun. Again it will come .. it will take time.

I spent the first year doing a lot of whining and crying. 2nd year a little more living, still cried and whined a bit .. lol .. now it's a lot more living a lot more laughing and a lot more relief in my life. Every once in a great while there are tears still .. it's a different kind of tears they are the tears of joy, healing and the tears that I forgot how to cry. Not the self pity stuff that was in the beginning of it all.

You do what you need to do and I'm glad to hear you are getting out. I hope you have additional support and again I'm harping however it works meetings, meetings, meetings .. please do do do do go to meetings.

Hugs S :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:
neshema, he's out drinking again today (tonight). I decided to go to the movie by myself. I don't have girl friends. I ended up going to my daughters after I was at the movie. Trying to fill my time and not text or call him. I am trying to take care of me like you suggest.
Have a good night.
Ellen

so glad you went to movie...its ok, "dating ourselves" i do it and I don't argue about the popcorn...i get my way all the time, lol......i am not the "hang out" type either unless it is a few close people and a lot of my friends drink and so i visit when they are sober, which means i am by myself a lot....good girl!!!! don't call...don't text.....take care of you...you know??? if u do this for about a month (taking care of you) it can become habit....little by little you will shove him into the emotional trash bin and he WONT EXIST!!!! just say to you..."he does not exist in my life" tell yourself that you are your #1 and that is the way its gonna be........good on you....good start to taking back your life......and you don't care what hes doing b/c he does NOT EXIST......you have a peaceful night, OK????? hang in there....it will get better....it will get better....

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn just said this on another thread somewhere - it's not necessarily that he's trying to torture you by staying, it's that he is so selfish, and it ends up you are in the way. It's a fine difference, I know, but perhaps if you find it to be true, it can help you to detach even further.

He's not even paying any attention to you, and any mean comments are coming because you are trying to get him to pay attention to you, and he would much rather focus on himself. So just stay focused on yourself. My experience was certainly morning-after talks did little good. For me, drunk talks were useless, and morning-after talks were worse than useless because they always resulted in conflict and hurt feelings and nothing actually changing.

Keep using those tools, and keep coming back here for support!

Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.