I don't laugh so much at A these days unless he makes a joke; I guess now that I don't live with him, I don't live in a constant state of desperation where I have to choose between laughing or losing my mind. 

But this made me giggle.

I was telling him about my new place. It's small, only 2 bedrooms, no spare space, no "grey area" that he might be able to wriggle into. Well of course I didn't say it like that, I just made sure he understood it was for myself and the girl and furries only. He was saying "well, I miss you and I wish we could have gotten a new place together but I'm happy for you, so relieved that you're going to be OK after the mess I have made". I said 'you didn't make the mess by yourself" and I was happy that I didn't feel dishonest or resentful saying it. I was complicit; I see our relationship as kind of being like sailing a boat made of rotten wood; I knew it was rotting and we were taking on more water every day, I could have docked at any time and demanded that we do the hard work and fix the boat, or get out and walk away. But I didn't,  I just kept on plastering a smile onto my face and sailing until it sank. Well it's a silly analogy but it works in my head lol. I just mean I don't feel angry or resentful towards him, I'm the one who just kept trying to imagine him into being someone that he isn't. Now that I do not live with him or rely on him for anything, I'm not angry about who he is. That's a really good feeling for me. It's easier to accept that I do love him instead of hating myself for it and also easier to be determined to never, ever live with him or be emeshed in his life again. So that's what I was thinking about as we were having this conversation, how nice it is to be able to appreciate his good traits without being angry with him or expecting anything....

Anyway. I digress. He was saying that he is relieved that I have a new place and he is happy for me, and that he's going to quit drinking and get a job and pay off his debts and start a business and...all of the usual fantasies and promises...they don't make me angry now, they just make me kind of  smile sadly and wish he could find a way to be OK in his own skin and not hate himself so much that he has to excuse himself by telling everyone who he is "going to be"...

And he paused for a long time and then asked "hey, how many weeks has it been since we lived together?

I count it out, "it's been um 10, nearly 11...wow, I didn't know it had been that long..."

And he's silent for a long time and I think he's going to say something poignant... 

and his demeanour changed, just like that and he says in this big grand "AHA! I WIN!" voice....."And in that entire time I have only used 4 rolls of toilet paper!!!!!". And that was it, all he wanted to do was drag up bizarre and oh so trivial arguments from the past.

OMG. We used to argue about toilet paper, wash powder, dish liquid, garbage bags, and basic household hygeine products  constantly. He felt he shouldn't have to pay for any of those things because he "hardly used them". I'm sure you can imagine how I felt about this logic.

So what could I do but giggle and be grateful. He sounded so victorious! I'm glad he went away feeling happy about something. And I'm glad I don't care and can laugh.