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So my husband decided to throw out all of the alcohol in our house, including his hidden alcohol (I knew about it but never told him) on Monday. He told me that he had it hidden, which gives me hope that he's trying to move forward since he didn't realize that I knew about it. He is stopping for 30 days to prove to me that he is bigger than the alcohol and that alcohol is not more important than me or our daughter. This has been a back and forth with us as to whether or not he is just abusing alcohol or if it is alcoholism. He agrees that either way, it is unhealthy and causing our family stress.
He doesn't seem to be having any withdrawals. He claims that he doesn't have any cravings. When I suggested that he take some B-12 vitamins he sort of snapped that he doesn't get cravings. He's very confident that this isn't as big of a problem as I'm making it out to be.
Is this typical behavior of an alcoholic when they quit on their own? He's not doing any outside therapy or support. He truly thinks that he can just quit for 30 days and then drink in moderation afterwords. He got the info from one of those websites that suggests to cut back for 30 days.
I feel like I'm guarding my heart constantly and not believing all of this. I'd be thrilled if we realize that he is just abusing it and it is a phase but my gut tells me that he'll realize this is alcoholism. I'm not able to make it to a face-to-face meeting. I guess I just thought that he'd have a hard time stopping on his own.
So my husband decided to throw out all of the alcohol in our house, including his hidden alcohol (I knew about it but never told him) on Monday. He told me that he had it hidden, which gives me hope that he's trying to move forward since he didn't realize that I knew about it. He is stopping for 30 days to prove to me that he is bigger than the alcohol and that alcohol is not more important than me or our daughter. This has been a back and forth with us as to whether or not he is just abusing alcohol or if it is alcoholism. He agrees that either way, it is unhealthy and causing our family stress.
He doesn't seem to be having any withdrawals. He claims that he doesn't have any cravings. When I suggested that he take some B-12 vitamins he sort of snapped that he doesn't get cravings. He's very confident that this isn't as big of a problem as I'm making it out to be.
Is this typical behavior of an alcoholic when they quit on their own? He's not doing any outside therapy or support. He truly thinks that he can just quit for 30 days and then drink in moderation afterwords. He got the info from one of those websites that suggests to cut back for 30 days.
I feel like I'm guarding my heart constantly and not believing all of this. I'd be thrilled if we realize that he is just abusing it and it is a phase but my gut tells me that he'll realize this is alcoholism. I'm not able to make it to a face-to-face meeting. I guess I just thought that he'd have a hard time stopping on his own.
Thoughts?
I've bolded some of the things that jump out to me.
The part of him saying he's just abusing alcohol is scary to hear. Nonetheless, does it really matter which it is? Fact is he's creating lot of household stress by these actions. My wife has pondered the thought of her issues being just alcohol abuse. Although she's never quit for 30 days, it's very clear to me and scores of others that she has alcoholism. Again though, does it really matter? The only way to subside the effects of the abuse/alcoholism is abstinence. There can be no 'drinking in moderation'. If he truly does worry of causing stress and hardship on his family, quitting and not doing it again is the only way to accomplish just that IMO.
From what I've read, withdrawals are different for everyone. Most common are tremors. Not so common ones, like my wife experiences, are itchiness. Denial is also very common. If he's anything like my wife, he really does need vitamins and such. My wife will go days without eating. Her only nourishment coming from her wine bottles. It's so horrible to watch happen.
As to if this is typical behavior for someone quitting on their own, that's hard to answer. My wife is choosing the same route and failing miserably. I know the hurt you're experiencing and am really sorry you have to go through it. Take a little comfort from knowing you are definitely not alone. There are many great people here that will reach out to you that are either going through, or have gone through our situations. We are not as alone as we may feel.
There are 2 things that I've learned that really, really help me deal with my AW.
First is, I have ZERO control over her disease. There is nothing I've done that caused it. I am not the reason for it showing its very ugly presence in my life. Finally, there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. No amount of talking to her, no amount of having our children talk to her, no seeing the pain everyone is in will ever get her to seek help and ultimately stop this. She has to do this on her own.
Second is to QTIP - quit taking it personal. My wife is a very mean and nasty person when she is drinking/drunk. She has and will say things so nasty, things I wouldn't even say to someone I dislike. It's very, very hard to do, but by not taking it personal, it certainly has helped me be someone calm. I've also found that boundaries are very important, although I'm not very good at doing that.
Anyways, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please continue to share, even if it's only to vent.
you wrote.....s this typical behavior of an alcoholic when they quit on their own? He's not doing any outside therapy or support. He truly thinks that he can just quit for 30 days and then drink in moderation afterwords. He got the info from one of those websites that suggests to cut back for 30 days.
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oh yea, they may TRY, but the alcohol IS bigger then he is b/c it is an addiction....never to be cured...never to be anymore than managed through AA
no outside AA or therapy, and he will be back in his cups b4 long....he will just be a dry drunk in the meantime....the behaviours, patterns will be there only he won't stink of alcohol......and the "drink in moderation" who is he kidding??? hes an ADDICT....
i am glad you posted this and shared about this b/c you must know deep within that he is full of what makes grass grow green.......boy they lie and they manipulate, they play you like a Stradivarius don't they?????
i wold tell him, yea, i was born late, but it wasn't yesterday!!!! that website is nuts!!! "cut back for 30 days" will NOT work
so glad you reached out about this.....his "30 day plan" will not work...guaranteed it won't work.....this dark disease will do ANYthing to fool its victims so it can hang on.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
So my husband decided to throw out all of the alcohol in our house, including his hidden alcohol (I knew about it but never told him) on Monday. He told me that he had it hidden, which gives me hope that he's trying to move forward since he didn't realize that I knew about it. He is stopping for 30 days to prove to me that he is bigger than the alcohol and that alcohol is not more important than me or our daughter. This has been a back and forth with us as to whether or not he is just abusing alcohol or if it is alcoholism. He agrees that either way, it is unhealthy and causing our family stress.
He doesn't seem to be having any withdrawals. He claims that he doesn't have any cravings. When I suggested that he take some B-12 vitamins he sort of snapped that he doesn't get cravings. He's very confident that this isn't as big of a problem as I'm making it out to be.
Is this typical behavior of an alcoholic when they quit on their own? He's not doing any outside therapy or support. He truly thinks that he can just quit for 30 days and then drink in moderation afterwords. He got the info from one of those websites that suggests to cut back for 30 days.
I feel like I'm guarding my heart constantly and not believing all of this. I'd be thrilled if we realize that he is just abusing it and it is a phase but my gut tells me that he'll realize this is alcoholism. I'm not able to make it to a face-to-face meeting. I guess I just thought that he'd have a hard time stopping on his own.
Thoughts?
Just from my own experience, first when my AH knew that I knew he was doing Meth, he tried to tell me he had quit, it wasn't in my house etc. he lied. Next, he would scream and shout OK then I will go get help and then say he wasn't doing anything Lie.He would then try and prove to me he had no issues what so ever, didn't work so good for him.
When I see he is putting down alcohol for 30 days he must suspect some issues. A very wise and long time sober friend of mine has told many of his sponsees if you are not sure you have the disease walk away from any drug, booze etc for one year. If you don't have a problem that won't be a problem, you wont miss it think about it nothing. Withdrawals do happen, but not everyone has the same withdrawal symptoms. If you are guarding your heart, then you know there is a problem. Maybe not 100% sure alcohol but there is something amiss, always trust your feelings. You can Google anything and find the answer your looking for that suit your needs, alcoholics are notorius for finding the answer they need. Some people do quit on their own, my father-in-law did, he is now the best dry drunk I have ever known!
My suggestion, real al-anon literature, codependency literature, the AA big book, go to meetings, come here it will help you settle, become peaceful and learn the truth. Set a boundary that you want to meet with a counselor to discuss this and other issues. I just know from my experience and some hard learned lessons, take care of you first, your side of the street first and generally the rest falls into place just as it should. Hugs!
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I can't speak for everyone, here is what happened to me: I confronted my wife about alcohol. I rarely would ever confront her about anything, and it wasn't quite a problem yet, but it was disturbing me how much wine she drank, and how often a bottle would disappear after dinner when she was only going to have a glass. And she had confided in me that she had binged vodka a couple times and it scared her. She told me she would not drink for 30 days.
And she didn't. Or as far as I know she didn't, how (and why) would I keep tabs on her 24 hours/day? However, within 3 months of that she was in rehab, as she had drank so much at a party we were at, denied that she could have drank anything because we didn't bring any, we had a huge fight.
So, in my experience, she could give up booze for a few weeks, as long as she knew it was there later. And I suspect she couldn't have even done that much after she relapsed after rehab #1.
The only way she quit was by learning the coping skills that she had never learned being an ACOA, then being married to me (the codependent guy who never confronts), then going through midlife. Once she accepted and confronted demons and character defects, started living life on life's terms, she was able to stop drinking and start a new life.
And once I got into Al Anon, and started understanding and correcting my character defects, I trigger her far less, for which she is grateful.
I'm not sure what the difference is between just abusing and alcoholism. I'm not sure anybody really knows, but my signs were that pit in my stomach when I would call wife and I could tell in three seconds she was drunk. That I would tolerate all kinds of unacceptable behavior from her, that I started to have to pick my son up from school because she was passed out on the floor at home. She would never do that when she is sober, she is one of the most loving, grateful, and protective moms I know.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Your gut is usually right. If he is hiding it and its causing problems in his life then he has problem that he will need help with. He will need to learn how to live sober, how to cope without alcohol. Snapping at you is part of the withdrawls. Take care of yourself and set boundaries with him. - Hugs to you
My A is not drinking for periods of time and she proudly states, "I'm not drinking." However, without her getting help for this disease, she is always at risk for drinking, her personality is unchanged, and she is basically a dry drunk i.e. not drinking at the moment. I will never trust her unless she admitted she has an alcohol problem and got appropriate help. It's a ver serious disease and denial is a symptom i.e. I don't have a problem, look, I can stop whenever I want to. I remember the hope I used to get and the devasting let down when the old habits returned. I no longer expect her to change. But I can tell you working this program, I have changed alot. I am happy and calm much of the time. Keep coming back, it works if you work it! Lyne
He may never 'realize' it's alcoholism because he may be in his own denial. He may not be an alcoholic. The problem lies in the fact that his drinking is causing issues in the family, period. My AH is a binge drinker but he still is an alcoholic and he will tell me so (when he's not in denial). My AH can go months without a drink but once his body wants to be on a binge, he does it full force. He can sometimes limit himself to 2-3 beers but that's rare. He actually does better when he abstains for long periods of time.
His abstaining does not take away the fact that his alcoholism has caused problems in our home. He was dry for 15 years but had no recovery program and i thought I was living with someone with a serious mental health issue. I didn't know what I was dealing with and I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to FIX US. Nothing worked.
So, even if you husband were to quit drinking completely for a month, that may not solve all the root issues that are below the surface of alcoholism. It's a difficult battle, the physical addiction, but the rest is even tougher. They have to learn how to live life without the crutch of alcoholism. That means spiritual, physical, and emotional health must come together to make a person whole. Al Anon helps us get there and AA(and other recovery programs) are there for the alcoholic to find healing.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
My experience and what I have heard others share is that true sign of addiction in a home .. look at the sig other and if there are kids look at them. Alcoholism is a family disease and it affects everyone in the home it then trickles out to our outside worlds.
The other thing I want to point out is while an A may stop drinking for periods of time when they start again it will start at the same level and quickly escalate further. It's really no different than being anorexic or bulimic when there is distorted thinking in the brain it is absolutely a form of denial.
If you have a problem with his drinking I highly encourage you to go to an alanon meeting, it's not about stay or go it's about refocusing the focus in the home. He's going to drink or not drink honestly what are you going to do?
One of the many books that I do recommend is Getting Them Sober Vol 1. It's like a crash course in alanon with all of the right Alanon terminology. You may find that you relate to many of the stories that are there, I just hope that whatever you choose to do you get help for you and kids if you have kids in the house right now. If they see you responding differently to the insanity they will to.
One of the lowest points of my life was realizing that my children were more afraid of me than their dad. After all dad drinks .. what's wrong with mom, it was egg shell city in our home and it wasn't just my XAH. I did choose to leave only because that was the right decision for the kids and I. Guess what. To the best of my knowledge nothing has changed for him .. we got divorced, he's gotten remarried and switched his binging drinking to binge eating. I have no doubt if he picked up again (if he's not currently drinking) he couldn't and wouldn't stop.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
