Im following the steps of AlAnon for my own healing with regard to my A husband of 20 years.  10 years ago he quit drinking And hasn't had a drink since.  Little did I know that that was only half the battle. I grew to be a sicker co-dependent as the years went on, even though there was no drinking. His personality retained many characteristics of the dry-drunk-egocentric, rigid in thought, irritable, doesn't accept being wrong...through practicing the messages of al anon, I am happy to say that I no longer feel like I'm going crazy, that I've reclaimed the ME that was lost a long time ago, and that I have a general sense of serenity that is steadfast and welcomed, I still wonder about how to interact with him at times.  

For example, this past Sat morning he acted in a very selfish way, and became irritable and mad at me for explaining how his behavior hurt my feelings and that I didn't like the way he was treating me.  Of course, I didn't expect him to get it, or apologize, which he didn't. I simply worked on a project I had wanted to do and was happy to be doing it.  He tried to pull me in by saying "so you are just going to ruin the day by being snippy and mad now." I said that my day was fine and that I was going to work on my project, and reminded him again, that I didn't like how he treated me so I didn't want to spend the day with him.  That was 4 days ago and we haven't spoken about anything of any consequence since!! The old me would not have been able to handle this as I would have been pining away with thoughts of how he could be so mean, how he could be ignoring me, how I had to get him to see how rude he was to me, and that it was legitimate that he hurt my feelings. Thank god I don't feel that way any longer, the exhaustion was ridiculous! Over the last four days in addition to my normal routine, I have watched some movies, organized some closets, and generally enjoyed whatever I was doing.  We say good morning, briefly discuss any scheduling things for the day, or whether or not I'm planning on making dinner, but beyond that...nothing?!  This couldn't be MORE different from our normal banter, discussions about our days, debates about current events, discussions about the kids, AND arguments about him getting something with regard to my feelings, which at least kept us connected in some way.  He's asked me once how I'm doing, and I shrugged and said "ehhh". He didn't ask a follow up question so I didn't elaborate. He just went on his way.   Did it hurt that he just walked away? Sure, but that is him, not me.  

I dont think the silent treatment is good if it's meant as a punishment, but I feel like I just don't have anything to say to someone who can treat me so callously (as he did sat morning) and act confused as to why my feelings are hurt, when the 'why' has been discussed ad nauseam in the past.  So, I now know it's true that I carried the emotional water of this relationship, and that since Stepping aside, there is very little relationship actually occurring. I'm sure he's thinking something about all this change but he hasn't come to me to share.  He's tried a few times to have 'small talk' which I politely answer, but don't continue in.  He's made some gestures, cooking me dinner one night, stopping at grocery store and asked me  for a list...but he hasn't brought up the elephant in the room?  I feel strongly that if he wants our relationship to improve (as he said he does prior, and agrees that he has some dry drunk characteristics, which was a new thought for him) then he needs to be the one to initiate a conversation about how he is feeling, as well as be curious about how I'm feeling and ask.  

Do I just let the silence continue? There is no arguing whatsoever, more like two people just living in the same space.  As much as it totally shocks me, because it couldn't be more opposite of how I used to be before al anon, I can't bring myself to bring a serious conversation about what has transpired since sat morning up!  Should I explain my stand-off ness, when he tries to initiate a 'small talk' conversation, so that I know he isn't confused about where I stand?  In other words...do I have any responsibility to say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean at this point?   Any guidance is welcomed...