Newbie seeking advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Dean P · Newbie

Newbie seeking advice

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dean, and welcome.

There are lots of different programs of rehab for addicts. So no one can answer that. You might look online for the name of the program she is in.

Yes it is normal for them not to contact anyone outside the rehab. There are very specific reasons for this. Again search online. Or others here may share esh.

We do feel left out and do need meetings. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew, volume one. would answer a ton of your questions. For me it is the best.

90 day of help is great!then when she is finished there it is recommended to attend 90 meetings in 90 days of AA. its a lifelong process. This disease in not curable.

We need to learn to concentrate on us and learn not to allow their disease make us sick.

We cannot help them except give them the dignity to take care of their own lives. It is hard getting on a program of recovery. Time means nothing. Everyone is different. Everyone learns on their own time table! Then they may slip back and need to go over it again.

meetings, coming here, literature, pm to people, we have meetings here too, these all help us.

We wish we too had a rehab to go to.So we could immerse ourselves in Al Anon and heal.

Your friend needs complete focus on herself. She is very sick.

mip is a Godsend, the members here are all supportive and caring. We feel love for each other as we share the same issues. This place saved me and made my life so much better.

Glad you found us!sincerely!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dean...Yes the before and the now and the after will all be normal...Sometimes more normally insane and questionable as it is for you now. Sorry that doesn't sound helpful however alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions not only for the alcoholic and also for those invested in/with the alcoholic. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and that does not mean just the drinker. Additionally alcoholism is thousands of years old and so I believe came to be that we have been altered over this long period of time...Shutting you out? It will seem that way as they totally focus on the one person most nearly a fatal sentence. She got in a one car accident...she avoided the fatality...for today. They will focus all of their knowledge and skill on her without much interruption so that when they go "hands off" and stand her back up she might remain that way herself while not walking or running off toward her best friend...booze. She is addicted and that means you are not top choice in her life and maybe never have been even close to second place to alcohol and maybe more.

90 days...A focused, sincere 90day practice even outside of rehab is consider one of the best ways/practices about creating new and better habits. Addiction is habit...a compulsion of the mine and with alcohol and drugs; an allergy of the body. Her body revealed its allergy when it would not/could not control the vehicle and perform in a way to provide her safety.

There is no way of working the program perfectly...recovery is about progress and not perfection. Why do YOU want the information? What will you do with it? If you do not yet understand the disease of alcoholism you will have even less of an understanding on recovery from it. You will not be able to mark milestones in recovery for her and if you tried you would really be interfering in the process.

One of the most important things I learned about my alcoholic/addict wife's recovery was that I should stay out of it. That is difficult to almost impossible because I also have a will and expectations and emotional system. I was told early on "Leave her alone". Enabling also kills and that is what co-dependents do which in another way of saying it...we come to interfere. I had to learn that I wasn't the "man" and I had to back off. LOL didn't get that one for ages.

I would suggest you get the Big Book of Al-Anon or "How it works in Al-Anon". Al-Anon is for the enabler and while the programs are very similar both emerging and growing from the efforts of the founders of both AA and Al-Anon (Bill and Bob) and spouses (Lois and Ann). Look up their bios on the internet...it makes very interesting reading and too you will be able to see what you also are going thru now. Only difference is time and gender...the similarities is what we learn from not the differences.

At what point will they involve me in the process, or will they? Understand that you already are involved and have been for some time. You have been playing a part in the disease process and this time with us here at MIP and also at open face to face Al-Anon meetings will help you understand the part you have been playing and not knowing it. Co-dependent no more is written from that experience. Melody has other books which are insightful also. You are involved in the process...yours not hers. I had to learn how to be my own man rather than my wife's enabler. What a lesson!!!!

On the delivery feeling...yeah that is normal now let it go. You're feeling disrespected and the disease of alcoholism and addiction does that with monotonous regularity. Your ego and pride and will are in the way probably wondering and asking the question "when is it my turn for validation and recognition?" Alcoholism made me feel like a ghost and crap on a daily basis. I learned what "Love unreturned" meant and then I learned to let it go and get rid of the resentments it had hooked in my spirit. You did a good turn (maybe) now kill your expectations of being rewarded.

Just keep coming back here with us and working this thing called recovery with us...listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. Find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone bood and get to the first meeting that is available. Go and listen with an open mind and you will find help. ((((hugs)))) smile In support.

Another thing...just for perspective and validation that you are not alone...scroll down to Moosework's share and read that all the way thru...the post of his and the replies...all of them and take a deep breath.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 13th of January 2015 07:09:02 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dean,

couldn't agree with Jerry more. I was in same situation as you about a year ago. My wife had picked up her second DUI, and was remanded to her second rehab. I didn't hear from her for three or four days after she went in, which was better than the 5 or 6 days I couldn't hear from her while she was in jail on suicide watch.

She was in rehab for 30 days. Talking to her afterwards, there were plenty of women in for 30 days, many for 90, and some for 6 months. I don't know what the diagnostic/prognostic standard is for these durations. While I was there I had to go to family sessions, which at first were a drag ("what, I have to give up more of my time because of her problem?" but turned out great. I had done Al Anon a little before, but at that point I took to it. I had already bought the book Jerry described "How Al Anon Works", and I took it from its place as a doorstop and read it. And went to meetings. And came here and posted, vented, cried, and finally matured.

When my wife got out, I just knew enough not to go around pissing her off with phrases like "it was hell around here when you drank". I found out that she already knew that, she was in her own little hell she couldn't get out of. She didn't drink for the fun of it, she drank because she didn't want to be on this earth anymore.

And that was what she worked on in her 30 days. She went over her life, and discovered emotional sobriety. Physical sobriety is not picking up the bottle and putting it to one's mouth, emotional sobriety is learning the coping techniques so that one doesn't feel the need to pick up that bottle. hopefully that is what your GF is learning too. Once m y wife understood the different kinds of sobriety, she decided she wanted emotional, she had had enough of hell at home, and time in jail, being away from her son and me, etc.

That normal feeling you are feeling, yeah, if you read here some more you will discover how normal it is. Moosework, Flower49 are both good examples of folks whose spouses went into rehab and have been having that feeling. include me in too. but if you can take advantage of that time to do work on yourself in Al Anon, you will be prepared for that day when she gets out. And you will be prepared for whatever happens then, because she could come out doing well, she could come out doing shakey, or she could come out in a state that you really aren't interested in. And you don't have any control over that. Working on the Serentiy prayer and learning the three Cs - you didn't cause, you can't control it, and you won't cure it, could make your reuniting much easier.

And keep coming back here. There is a wealth of information in what has been written, and a wealth of support in what could be written if you keep coming back and asking questions, venting, and learning.

Kenny

Flower49 · Senior Member

Hi Dean and Welcome

Is the 90 day commitment typical? Be really grateful they asked for that time, my AH has been to 30 day Inpatient on several occasions. The last time they suggested he go to a sober living home and that I should not let him come home, but I caved when he begged me and said all the right things. It ended up a disaster and he was court ordered to sober living. It made a difference. All programs are different in some ways.

What are the steps she will be taking toward recovery and what is the timing of them? There isn't a timeline per say in recovery. From my own experience the steps are introduced and they begin the work, they are exposed to others that are just like them, they are taught how to explore and resolve inner conflict and just a whole lot of stuff that in a short period of time can be overwhelming.

At what point will they involve me in the process, or will they? For your own sake, work on you and let her do her own recovery. From my experience some places provide family counseling support, resources etc, while others don't care about the family issues only the recovering A. I had to learn to work on my stuff, with the help of Al-anon, a counselor who specialized in Co-dependents, this message board etc. The place my AH is currently doesn't give two hoots about the family and the disaster my AH left us to clean up. That is fine, I needed the time to get myself up and going. Worry about your recovery, she can take care of her own.
I realize I have my own issues to work on too.

I feel though I delivered her to them and they have shut the door on me, is that feeling "normal"? I have felt that feeling quite a bit with the last treatment attempt my husband went to. They completely shut the family out and have told him repeatedly, we aren't family counselors or helpers of your family. We have to get you sober and keep you sober so that is that. I think it might be a good thing early on for your A to be able to focus solely on her recovery needs and not have any outside interference. Eventually the issues etc. have to be worked out and worked on and your HP magically guides you along and shows you the right time for all of that.

It took me such a long time to get to the point of worrying about only myself and my program and learning how to be in my marriage but in a more healthy way, it wasn't easy, but it has been a great adventure and I have tons of people right here in this room to thank. Keep coming here, you will find such Experience, Strength and Hope!

Thank you in advance for any input, suggestions and information any of you may provide.

Dean

Dean P · Newbie

Wow, so much to learn. Thank you to each of your Debilyn, Jerry, Kenny and Linda!

The anxiety of having her gone and not knowing how she and "we" will end up is waning. Been burning the batteries up in my Kindle reading all I can put my hands on.

I dont want to be the co dependent enabler, but I do want her to know she is the love of my life and I want the best for her.

I guess from what you all have said, she probably knows that and it would be best for me to let her be and let her travel her journey.

Thanks again for your input, and words of wisdom. You will see me on here, popping in and out as I learn about myself and grow into a better human being.

Kind Regards,
Dean

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Great to have you Dean, welcome! If you are able to make it to a face-to-face Al Anon meeting there is even more literature there, plus the book that Jerry and I mentioned. Please keep posting and let us help you through this, it will help us back more than you know!

Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The use to be a time Dean; when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon that most of the fellowship was female and being able to hear a male's perspective was very few and far in between and so I was re-raised by the ladies in the program until more guys started showing up. One thing I learned was to listen with an open mind to all of the shares...consider it all and then take what you like and leave the rest for later. If there are guys in recovery...Al-Anon...in your area listen to the similarities between their stories and yours. The mutual understanding will help you grow in leaps and bounds and you will come to understand the miracle in progress in recovery. (((hugs))) smile

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dean. I have been in Al Anon almost 2 years. I left my AH last March. This is what I have learned: recovery for the alcoholic and the families of alcoholics is a life long journey. there is no magical "end date." In Al Anon we learn to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Rehab is not a magical cure. The addict has to want to change. AA suggests 90 meetings in 90 days. In Al Anon we suggest trying 6 meetings before you decide if the program is for you. there are different meetings with different formats and different stories. I would suggest finding a meeting and checking it out. There will also be books there to purchase and pamphlets are usually free. you will find you are not alone. Keep coming back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.