feeling 12 years old - Al-Anon Family Group

mjferg · Senior Member

feeling 12 years old

Hullibee · Senior Member

Sorry mjferg, chock it up to bad weather. He was probably humiliated himself after the encounter. Being a teacher of high school students myself I know this could happen. Hopefully you will not encounter his wrath again. Otherwise I would confront him after class and remind him you are an adult.

Ellen

mjferg · Senior Member

Yes if it happens again I will.

mjferg · Senior Member

He was a high school teacher for a long time and a football coach and he can be very intimidating.

mjferg · Senior Member

I don't know how this is going to go,I have this history with intimidating men,I might pop off something.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Oh that so explains things. Football coaches use intimidation to get the players to toe the line. I would just keep all this in mind. Good luck!!

mjferg · Senior Member

Yeah I am trying to put it in perspective,he is used to dealing with teens,that would probably make me crazy,too.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry, Mary, that the day was a bit rocky for you. I am somebody who can't be roared at directly because my defenses will go up and they should. I do feel resentful when another adult talks down to me or screams at me in a public setting, too. It takes me a while to regroup and get centered. I will go to the person generally - just me and them - so I don't humiliate them, too and share what is on my mind if it is someone I have to spend a lot of time with or that I care about. I notice that when I don't do my part in telling a person directly what is bothering me, I end up resenting myself and then them for not validating myself and reminding the speaker that I am an adult as they are. If they keep it up, I close up and close off because they now know how their behavior is affecting me and they have no excuse for continuing to behave like a bull in a china closet regardless of their position. As a leader and as a teacher and as an employer myself, I welcomed somebody caring enough about me to at least come to me and say where I was off base with them. Some of us are very sensitive - no matter how many people would like that to be different about us - and others don't always get that but it doesn't mean we can't say what we mean, mean what we say without saying it mean with them, trusting that we will be heard at least and then if the person repeats the upsetting behavior for us, we will know what to do from there to take good care of ourselves in relationship to anybody in authority. No matter what hat a person wears, they're still just people, and probably some welcome honest people who'll say privately to them what they need to say.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 13th of January 2015 03:43:51 PM

mjferg · Senior Member

I agree with all of that,and I don't think a college is the place to behave like he did,we are all adults and I wasn't being disrespectful in any way,and if it continues we will have a discussion.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, Mary! You are all adults! I've worked for some men and women who used intimidation as a tool. Most all of them were really pussycats underneath all that blustering and carrying on. I used to visualize some as ants behind a podium. Brought my fear and anxiety level down. Cathy has shared on this board a special look that she uses, too. Maybe she'll share it again with you?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I was told by my sponsor to see and treat stuff like this as a "lesson" and then to do something different than how I use to handle it. I learned differences and I got different outcomes ...change... which is what I was trying to learn. Now the options for me are wide open and can go from me going silent and quitting the fray right away to saying out loud "Okay...I got me good that time". I've done that and more just because I can other than what use to not work. Here have some (((((mjferg))))) hugs. smile

mjferg · Senior Member

Thanks Jerry F that is a good idea.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary It is a new situation for you so naturally you are uncertain. I would fall back heavily on my al anon tools and put principles above personalities, refuse to react to his behavior, look for the lesson in the situation and let it go. Remember you are not alone and another's bad behavior reflects on them and not on you. HP will continue to guide you.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry Mary but I had to laugh when I read that he was teaching communication skills!

It is not very constructive for a tutor to try to shame a pupil and I am really sorry that this bully tried it on with you. But it is ALL about them and not about you. That said, I like Jerry's suggestion of seeing it as a free lesson. That shaming got to you even though it was not deserved or appropriate. Why?

Good on you for taking those classes and bettering your life. I don't think that you will be such an easy target again. If it happens again I would like to imagine that I would get out of my chair, walk to the front of the class, and very privately ask him to show a bit of adult to adult respect for folks who have taken the time to turn up to hear him teach. I would then return to my chair and give him my sweetest, most expectant, 'please do continue' smile. I wonder if I would have the guts for that?? I'd quite welcome the opportunity to find out!!!! I would probably manage the smile but not the rest, which is ok for me I think!

Others have given you good advice, so my apologies for playing out a fantasy scenario with you, but I do sometimes use these fantasies as a shield. You are not alone, especially the next time you walk into that class room my friend.

mjferg · Senior Member

Hey milkwood I agree with your post and I have been thinking about why that it got to me so deep,It is something that affects me a lot when I am around people.I see my therapist tomorrow and I am going to talk about it.My father always dealt with me in a very harsh manner and nothing I did was right or good enough.I have a very hard time dealing with overbearing people,I even had a panic attack last night, it is my first one in a long time and I am not happy about that,we have snow here today so between my rough night and the weather I am staying home today relaxing with my pets.

mjferg · Senior Member

Well I just checked the schedule and there is an evening class and he isn't the instructor,I may be switching.

mjferg · Senior Member

crap,scratch that idea,he teaches a class I have in the evening ,too.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't take other peoples dysfunction personally. I have learned through my sponsor I was still a rebel when I found al-anon an would react to every person usually a bit defiantly, but now I am no longer that teenager within and can just smile and learn the lesson I need out of each uncomfortable encounter. Sending you much love and support on your journey!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We're here with you and for you, Mary, since it appears that you are not going to be able to change your class without his being the instructor. I once heard that we teach what we need to learn most. This might be his classroom in which to learn more that he needs to know for his own health and wellbeing? Don't know. Just wonderin'?

mjferg · Senior Member

Hmm, I never thought about it that way.My grades are high and I am intelligent,I do well on tests and book work.I also have been through about ten lifetimes,honestly,I don't think I give myself enough credit.While,Yes he may have a big degree,I have a lot of life experience and in some ways feel much wiser than him,if you know what I mean.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I do know what you mean. Your looking at your own assets is a joy for me to see. Looks like you are finding a way to put yourself on a level playing field in relationship to him?

I took a college writing course once to help myself improve my own writing craft. The instructor - an American Lit prof who couldn't get a job teaching it - spent most of our 3 hour sessions lecturing rather than helping the class write. He was the instructor so I didn't challenge him but I did find myself wondering why he talked more than letting us do hands on writing and sharing our efforts with each other. He finally revealed why he was teaching that class which made sense to me. He was more suited to American Lit than College Writing. He still graded my papers and would call us each privately to tell us how we could improve our writing from his way of looking at it. One of the papers I wrote according to his instructions resulted in his calling me aside to tell me I was really needing to get better at what I wrote (Yeah, that's why I'm in the class). This is what he said: "You'll never be published with the way you write." This is what I said: "I'm taking the class to improve my writing skill. I'm also already published and I utilize that to support the organization I created." Next time he critiqued my work, which I welcomed, he didn't use "you'll never" or put down totally the way I wrote." A few years later, he died of lung cancer, and I was glad that although I said what I meant, meant what I said that I didn't say it mean. He was just a guy trying to earn a living and get into the field that he really wanted to be in but couldn't do it.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 14th of January 2015 11:41:31 AM

mjferg · Senior Member

Good way of looking at things,I remember reading about Charles Schulz,the creator of the peanuts comic strip,he struggled with a lot of rejection,but he persevered and who doesn't love Charlie Brown?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

biggrin

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

When i took night time college courses i found most classes sadly lacking.
The teachers were not teachers they were professionals that were getting
Paid to teach. I often was bored to tears And started to fall asleep. Maybe
Just being out of the schoolroom i lost my ability to pay attention and learn.
i was still in my twenties and working fulltime.

mjferg · Senior Member

I think he was probably a great high school teacher and football coach ,but this doesn't suit him.I think he just doesn't want to face retirement.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary I do hear you and so understand . In a situation like this it is important to keep the focus on yourself , pick up alanon tools and keep on showing up.

Alanon asks that we practice these principles in all our affairs-- -so that validating yourself, looking at your assets, living one day at a me, letting go of the past, and not projecting will help to walk through this with courage, serenity and wisdom.

Acceptance is the key.

mjferg · Senior Member

That is what I so desperately want ,I know there are difficult people everywhere and I can't continue letting them affect me or hold me back,I just want to hurry up and get healthy!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I love Charlie Brown!!!

It sounds as if you are doing some really healthy and liberating thinking Mary. It takes time to train ourselves to drop some things that we've learnt at an early age, but my goodness I love the way you are picking up the ball and running with it, yay! Seems to me your backbone is standing very tall and I'm celebrating that my sister!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Just remembered a "Power Lesson" I was taught in the early years and it wasn't from my sponsor and another guy who I didn't really care for at the time...I cared more for him after he taught me, "When you feel fear and rejection from another person make sure to touch them gently in a respectful manner before talking to them". This turned out to be a "WOW"!! lesson for me. I didn't know what it did to the other person and for me my "fear of" and "anxiety" dissolved. Gently and respectfully...and since every time and every one no matter who I have done that to held no power over me. That is a body language lesson...it tells others and myself I am not afraid. The opposite of fear is love and love cannot exist at the same time as fear. Rocket Science!!! ((((hugs)))) smile

Recently at the hotel I hold contract with the front desk manager was having a hard time being civil with others and when I approached her to get the key to the room I needed opened she turned her attitude toward me. I listened to be respectful, understood it had nothing to do with me or anyone else and then leaned over to her and said, "Come here, I give you a hug". She of course refused and then started to smile and then laugh and her attitude changed along with her day. Not suggesting you do this with your professor or anyone else just understand that when your body language shows you are not affected often times they stop doing it.

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