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My wife has spent 6 of the last 9 weeks in rehab. During the family program visit she told me that she had removed her wedding band the day she got there and it was "freeing".
One week later she was home. She stayed with us for two nights. However, each day she would drive back to the treatment center to see a friend or go to a meeting. The day after Christmas she left for the night and did not tell me or our children where she was going.
Two days later she got an attorney for separation / divorce.
She moved out I stayed with the kids like I have been. That weekend she is gone again.
I had found many compromising emails and pictures, but no proof. At our daughters sporting event, she leaves and tells me that she is going to another state for three nights. Then she tells the kids, "I am going to stay with a friend in rehab".
Or kids are teens, they understand.
So, I want your opinion why these "rehab romances" happen.
How long do they last? Do they try and come back? How can a mother walk away from her kids. Walk away from 23 years together.
What specifically is wrong with their brain that makes this choice and rounds their lives.
Joe
Hello, Moosework. What a painful experience for you. I can't answer all those questions because I don't know your wife or what is going on in her. I do suggest that if you haven't, you re-read Pinkchip's post to you at a previous thread. It contains a lot that might explain this for you. It's very difficult to try to commit to memory everything that has been shared with you, therefore, the suggestion to re-read Pinkchip's understanding of an alcoholic in rehab and following it.
Now, on to you. This is the disease of alcoholism at work. It pulls the rug out from under us at every turn - even if the loved one goes through rehab. There are others who have gone through the rehab and the days following it who may weigh in to give you some support and encouragement. My suggestion is the same one we offered - Al-Anon meetings for you and Alateen for the kids. In my experience, there is a lot of resentment that happens in us, our kids and our loved ones. The resentment really stems from fear especially when there is so little consistency or structure when one parent acts in the ways you are describing. We focus on them and that doesn't help us. We try to figure out what is going on in their heads and we can't because we're not them and your wife's in and out behavior shows me that she doesn't know right now what is going on in her head either. Alcoholism cannot be reasoned with or understood. Its just a crazy disease that isn't anybody's fault. It just is what it is.
I do hope you can find support for yourself in the program if you haven't already done it? You can't control your wife's thinking or behavior, drunk or sober. You can find help for yourself in the program so that the rug can't be pulled out from under you as hard or as often. You will be able to put things in perspective better by attending the meetings and you will begin to see that you want a different way of life for yourself and that way will be found by learning and applying the tools of the program. There is help and hope there for you. Sending you lots of encouragement and support.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 12th of January 2015 11:31:20 PM
(((Joe))) I am so sorry to read of this latest unhappiness that you have faced. Alcoholism is a progressive,chronic fatal disease which can be arrested but not cured. Even after attending rehab and being alcohol free for a time, the disease is still very active within the person. It affects the alcoholic spiritually, physically and emotionally.
Living with the insanity of the disease, which you and your family have been doing affects each member in a negative fashion. No one can answer the "why" of this disease but we can answer how you can find recovery for yourself and children. Alanon face to face meetings, held in most communities, will help you to develop new tools to live by as you receive the support and understanding you deserve
Please reach out to meetings and keep coming back.
It happens often that an addict and or alcoholic in inpatient rehab meets up with another there for the same reason and then they build a relationship outside of their relationship with spouse and family. Its the "bar scene" without the booze and the bar. They are having lots in common while having had lots in common and they get to share their ESH and get close. It isn't about falling in love and more like falling in lust. We use to discuss this issue in early recovery when it was as maddening for us then as it is for you now. There is not good side to this event for you and the family this is facing the "insanity" of the disease from another angle. You build expectations upon the vision of sobriety and cannot even imagine this happening after they get "sober" and then this isn't sobriety...this is just dry and then drama and most often relapse abounds. Alcoholism it was described to me is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which helped me understand how huge a monster it was and how the boundaries for the insanity were way out there.
When I was where you are at now I doubled up on my meetings, literature and sponsor visits...I went to work on my own sanity full time cause I have never liked the feeling of insanity and the consequences.
This is a disaster...it is survivable for you and the family. The suggestion of Al-Anon continued attendance is what was suggested to me and which saved my life. If Alateen in available in your area get the kid there and get them in the rooms with other teens who have the same experiences elsewise take them into the Al-Anon face to face rooms. Alateen is part of the Al-Anon Family Groups.
Jerry said ******* Its the "bar scene" without the booze and the bar. They are having lots in common while having had lots in common and they get to share their ESH and get close. It isn't about falling in love and more like falling in lust. We use to discuss this issue in early recovery when it was as maddening for us then as it is for you now. There is not good side to this event for you and the family this is facing the "insanity" of the disease from another angle. You build expectations upon the vision of sobriety and cannot even imagine this happening after they get "sober" and then this isn't sobriety...this is just dry and then drama and most often relapse abounds. Alcoholism it was described to me is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which helped me understand how huge a monster it was and how the boundaries for the insanity were way out there.
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Oh yea, this is so true....my A brother was in re-hab , forced b/c of drunken tremors, sick as a dog, seizures, etc, so he went to one of his many trips to re-hab and there he seems to always find a "partner" and she is his girlfriend....when they get out, oh yea, their bond translates to mutual drinking and using...I remember the last "lounge lizard" he picked up at rehab......she gave him a great time and herpes to boot......but oh he was in "love" with this chick......
If I were you, I would emotionally detach and work your program and let her do what she has to do....let her go....if she straightens up and REALLY does AA and really serious about program Great....if not??? you and the kids need to be in alanon/alateen, and if there is no alateen, a lot of alanon rooms will let young ones attend b/c they are pretty generous about helping the young ones...I've seen them in rooms b/c there were no alateen meets....and yea, teens would be privy to a lot of stuff...
I am really sorry this happened to you, but non recovering or brand newly sober alcoholics don't surprise me anymore.....it takes YEARS, Sometimes , for them and only when they get serious about AA and the steps, et al, do they begin to find themselves and learn how to deal with life w/out having to get drunk...it takes perhaps at least a year for them to even know how to live and function and get a feel as to how they tick, etc.....so if I were you, I would just focus on me, the kids and your own recovery......she may or may not ever straighten her life out.......to jump like that to another man (not saying there is sex involved) but to jump like that from you to another shows me just how immature she is, and it doesn't say much about her willingness to completely surrender to the program......surrendering means doing NOTHING but AA and work is she has a job, or child rearing if she is stay at home mom.....that is enough program and the essentials...thats all they can handle till they have been in program.....
sorry this happened but you have support here and you will in the meets..........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Im sorry, this must be really difficult for you. It doesnt look like your wife is working the 12 step program, shes still looking outward for her quick fix, shes replaced alcohol with another man. Shes behaving badly, maybe always has, maybe always will. Theres not a ot you can do about her. You can get yourself some well deserved love and support at a local meeting, start working on yourself and in no time you will know what you want to do about this.
Thank you all for your support. Transitioning from "normal" to disease to detachment in 10 weeks is hard. I am just now learning how much this disease has changed me. How I am just as damaged as the alcoholic.
Logically, I can deal with this. Emotionally, it the hardest thing I have ever done. It's the most pain I have ever felt. I am all the way down to 1 minute at a time. I try not to succumb to the thoughts, but I expected to be with this person forever.
I just pray. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray for my kids. I pray for my wife. I know she is sick. I hope one day she will get well enough to be a mother again.
Face to face meetings, my sponsor and MIP saved my sanity in the heat of this disease. Keep coming back and digging into your very own recovery program. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me a lot! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I hope you are able to carve out some time to go to some Al Anon meetings. One way or another, you will need to drop the anger towards your wife. When my wife got out of her second rehab, she seemed to have learned much from it, as opposed to what seems to be happening here. Nevertheless, I had to quell my anger because we had frittered away much of our lives on alcoholism the previous three years. So I went to Al Anon, it was a huge help, as was posting here.
If she hadn't come back from rehab, it would have been even more important for me to reach out for help. Lots more anger would have been involved, and I would worry I would start taking it out on other loved ones. Not in an explicitly abusive manner, but in the thousand-tiny-cuts manner.
Keep coming back, there is lots to learn here from very knowledgeable, supportive people.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Tuesday 13th of January 2015 09:48:18 AM
Im sorry, this must be really difficult for you. It doesnt look like your wife is working the 12 step program, shes still looking outward for her quick fix, shes replaced alcohol with another man. Shes behaving badly, maybe always has, maybe always will. Theres not a ot you can do about her. You can get yourself some well deserved love and support at a local meeting, start working on yourself and in no time you will know what you want to do about this.
totally agree, el-cee....instant gratification is the "cure" for those not working a program......Sorry Joe, but this is a bad sign.....I would move on to alanon , if I were you, and work my program and let it all go....let the chips fall where they may w/out you enabling or interferring in anyway.....she will either be driven into recovery, some way, or she will kill herself with the poison....either way, u can't control anything about it........so sorry
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I read your post and just want to pour salve on the wounds. Meetings really helped me when I was spinning from insanity of my loved ones alcoholic bombshells.compassionate, understanding human contact. Take care and keep coming back.
