The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has found out he will be coming home probably within 2 weeks from the 3/4 way house. I don't know how to feel about it really. I had hoped the transition from sober living to home would have been done a lot differently such as building up time and days of being home rather than every other weekend, but it's not to be. He vanished from our home to go to the 1/2 way house and now he is being kerplunked right back in. It will be a change for sure, but I think I can handle this much better now that I have this group, Al-anon and CODA
I started to feel resentful, angry, confused, fearful when he dropped the bomb on me Saturday. I sorted through the feelings and realized I am just used to my way now, living on my own all the time, having my friends, my home, my meetings and not having to answer (for lack of a better word) to another person. I am grateful we have a super great marriage counselor on board and we talked about it on Saturday when we met. We discussed a relapse prevention plan, him developing a list of things that he thinks need to be done at home (housework) identifying what he is good at and being responsible for doing it (that takes away my habit of "parenting" him and treating him as a 13 year old), handling schedules and so forth. We laughed because our therapist said he can clearly see that in the 3 months we have been going my AH has matured from a 13 year old to an 18 year old.
Healing from the damage of addiction is such a long, tedious, confusing, scary journey but right now today I think we are in a good place. Boundaries are lined up for his homecoming not just for him but me too, plans in place and we will just need to work on getting a normal living routine into place. So the journey continues and I am going to stay positive about it.
-- Edited by Flower49 on Monday 12th of January 2015 01:14:43 PM
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Makes me smile to see how much progress has been made in your situation, flower. Your sentence: "Healing from the damage of addiction is such a long, tedious, confusing, scary journey but right now today I think we are in a good place" is helpful and hopeful. Thank you for sharing your e/s/h with us. I am grateful to be walking with you in this program.
Thank you Linda for sharing these thoughts. Seeing the need for a programme and plans for both of you and then putting those plans into place sounds really helpful. It helps me to hear your anxiety about this next change and to hear you acknowledge them and set up coping strategies. I'm grateful to be learning from you today. (((((Hugs))))))
You have done so well flower, i suggest gojng to meetings, maybe get some extra meetings in. Lean on your sponsor and your higher power.x
Thank you el-cee, who would have "thunk it" I am not so desperate feeling for him to be home with me :) I am happy as a clam these days doing what I do and working on my program. I couldn't have done it though without all of you.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Thank you so much for your post! My ah came out of rehab about two weeks ago and was suppose to stay in a apt we paid for the month. He has stayed two days out of two weeks. Not sure I like that, seems like he's taken back his territory. He was nice for about 6 days. We have a lot of up and downs, ALOT! We both have codependent issues. He is complaining about being sick for the last 7 days, grumpy a lot but sober so far. I try not to let it affect me but we work together and live together and the grumpiness and complaining and selfishness seems to get to me on my low days. I have to deal with my exhusband next week regarding our daughter and my ah is not supportive in the way I need. He seems to turn a lot to about him, even this. How it affect him, so much is about him. I would love to hear more stories of how to deal with the recovering alcoholic.
Thank you so much for your post! My ah came out of rehab about two weeks ago and was suppose to stay in a apt we paid for the month. He has stayed two days out of two weeks. Not sure I like that, seems like he's taken back his territory. He was nice for about 6 days. We have a lot of up and downs, ALOT! We both have codependent issues. He is complaining about being sick for the last 7 days, grumpy a lot but sober so far. I try not to let it affect me but we work together and live together and the grumpiness and complaining and selfishness seems to get to me on my low days. I have to deal with my exhusband next week regarding our daughter and my ah is not supportive in the way I need. He seems to turn a lot to about him, even this. How it affect him, so much is about him. I would love to hear more stories of how to deal with the recovering alcoholic.
Helpangel: It has been a long road for me and my AH. The disease on some days although he is sober really shows itself, exactly as you see in your AH being selfish and self-centered. I know for my own part all I can do is detach with love. This morning my AH came for coffee as he has been doing for a few months now before we both start work. It's part of the transition back to home and really the only amount of time we can sneak in due to his program requirements not being flexible. So this morning he was crabby, irritated, and tired. A guy that is his roommate in the 3/4 way house coughs all nite long, keeping my AH awake. In my old days I would have bought right into the poor me, poor me routine and tried to fix his feelings. I don't have the need to do that any longer. I listened to the whining and continued enjoying my coffee and favorite news programs. I offered up one suggestion of why not just get up and come home and go back to bed, it wasn't suitable to him so I let the matter alone. If you want to suffer and get no sleep, hey that's his choice not mine. I am grateful my AH has 9 months sober now, I don't necessarily agree with the program he got sober through but I do know when he isn't working a vigorous program and keeping active, he becomes a pain in the butt! When that happens I also don't try to intervene or say much, when there is hooking behaviors such as trying to get sympathy for poor him the victim I tune it out and press on with other things. It takes a lot of patience and effort to maintain my peace and serenity when around him, but I know that these rooms and my program help me along with my HP. I am dedicated to my marriage working so in turn I have to work on me and keep myself in check. ((Hugs))
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
It sounds like you *are* in a good place! It sounds like quite a bit of work has been done in prep, and you are now as ready as you will ever be.
I am curious though. I had a relapse plan, but not a relapse prevention plan. Or, to be more precise, my wife had the prevention plan, I only had the plan in case of relapse. Are you participating in the prevention plan, or did I read something into that?
To clarify, my AH has his own recovery, his own relapse prevention plan, etc. I also have my own recovery, and my own relapse plan. Our marriage counselor said to us the other day, the relapse prevention plan is simple:
1. You don't ever walk into a bar (for him)
2. You don't go around people you know or learn are not good for you (for him)
3. If you feel the need to use - use your tools (for him)
Now our relapse plan for the relationship is as follows:
1. I will not accept nor tolerate active using, if a slip, relapse what ever you want to call happens, we are done with our relationship. (For me as my boundary, for him as my boundary)
2. I will not accept nor tolerate poor behaviors, if you choose not to work your program, stay involved, continue to seek help etc. we are done with our relationship. (For me because I will not live with a dry drunk)
3. Recovery is your first priority, however we will have one day a month that is dedicated to just our relationship, no recovery talk, activities, guys from the house etc. (For me, the marriage counselor said it is not fair nor healthy for the non-addict in the relationship to always be placed on the back burner or have outside influences, interruptions etc)
So anyway the plan has quite a bit more involvement, but these are pretty much the key things. We didn't get any help with a home transition plan, or relapse plans etc from the sober living place, our marriage counselor is the one who guides us along.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Its a good thing you got this marriage counselor, that's all I can say!
Seems like a good plan, especially since it sounds like you both developed it together. Bill and Lois W needed that last one IMO, it might have kept her from throwing her shoe at him!
You have one wise marriage counselor, Linda! I really liked reading that plan. Thank you for sharing it. Being divorced and with him dead now, we never got that far. I like seeing what happens or can happen with spouses - each in recovery - and both needing to do something together to work on their marriage.
Linda thank you so much for the advice! I just told my ah how I felt about him coming in the door and being grumpy and complaining. After an hour and half of us both taking turns being upset we agreed to write it down instead of verbalized it. We also said we would talk to a counselor. It was aweful but I told him how I felt :). He said some means things and tried to twist it and then came back around. I hope everyone has a good night I'm so tired from the fight, that I just have to go to sleep.
