Hi,

I have been a long time lurker and finally decided to make an account. The things that have been shared on this forum have been very helpful to me and I suppose it's time I outed myself to possibly have a little more specific advice to my situation because it is somewhat complicated. (I apologize in advance for this being so long.)

To give a brief background, I am married to a man that I also work with. We both had similar situations with our previous spouses where they had affairs and took off, and because we have worked together so long we were friends who helped each other through the heartbreak of our divorces. We are both executives overseeing different departments and we (thankfully) work in two different areas of the complex so we don't have to work too closely, for the most part. At work/sober, AH is excellent - very smart, funny, handsome, etc. Great guy all around and would do anything for anyone (and does). At home, the story is completely different - he bolts home as soon as he can from work and starts drinking as soon as he gets there.  In our years together, I have not known him to go one night without some type of alcohol.  The only time he doesn't drink is when he is sick, and even then he chugs Nyquil (even if what is ailing him isn't a cold.)  After the first drop of alcohol, his personality starts to change and he progressively becomes angrier and meaner - and it's usually directed at me. (We don't have any kids, which is a very good thing.) He's really a Jekyll and Hyde. He doesn't get physical, it's mostly verbal. I actually wish it was physical so I could show him what he has done.  He's slick though, and he knows how to get his digs in. Most of the time, he sits in his "man cave" and drinks as much as he can as often as he can and smokes and watches TV.  In the meantime, I clean the house, pay the bills, take care of just about anything that comes up.  He sometimes will cook but other than that he doesn't do much of anything.  He is only interested in his own needs and wants and doesn't seem to care much about me.  His family is/was very dysfunctional and his family (all boys) are all tough guys who don't communicate at all, show no affection, and are too busy being manly men to demonstrate any compassion.  I know AH has it in him, because I have seen it during moments of his sobriety, but it is fleeting and very rare when it happens. Unfortunately, his mother is deceased so the one hope I would have had is not there.  (And from my understanding, she drank a lot too.)

If he says he wants something, I do whatever I can to make that happen. I have gone to no end to try and make him happy in the hopes that he will become more enthralled in what he wants that he won't drink so much, but that plan has not worked as I thought.   The last thing he wanted was an antique vehicle of a certain type because he wanted a "hobby".  I found exactly what he wanted, got it financed, transported, etc. and he still continues to sit on his rear and smoke and drink.  

I have tried everything to explain to him how his drinking has an effect on our relationship. Nothing works. After finding this forum and reading other stories, and seeing a therapist every week, I understand that I cannot change his behavior and I can only control mine. (I'm learning!) He has a beer fridge in his man cave and I have a wine chiller in the kitchen, so while he was gone for a few days I dumped out everything in the wine chiller and replaced it with non-alcoholic beverages. I didn't touch his stuff at all, but I thought I noticed that he would drink more if I was drinking and maybe by me not drinking as well, it might help him cut down.  I think that that he drinks more now to spite me, but either way it was a good call on my part. He has not once mentioned that I replaced all the booze in the chiller with soda and energy drinks but that's no surprise. He is so self-absorbed that I'm surprised he even notices that I live at the house too.

Here is where I am stuck. 

- I can't go to Al-Anon or AA because the owners of the company I work for and their children are very active in the local groups.  While this would normally be a good thing, these folks don't respect that "anon" part and they also can overstep boundaries, with the best of intentions. I can't jeopardize our jobs and/or make the stress of our jobs higher because of this - we had another employee here try to participate in the program and because of this, they made it worse. I'm not going there and he sure as hell won't.

- I can't get his family to help with an intervention because they are also alcoholics/have issues with substance abuse.

- His friends are totally supportive of him drinking and want him to continue drinking with them.  They don't see his drinking as a problem because he saves the uglies for when it is just he and I (for the most part, sometimes he slips and lays into me when a select few are around but normally they think he has it under control.)

- I am currently seeing a therapist and plan on continuing with her, as this has been very helpful to me.  Between her and my few friends that listen to me and have similar situations at home, that is where I get the majority of my support.

- Once he did admit that he has an addictive personality, but he refuses to go with me to counseling and denies he has problems.  The next day after he is a complete jerk, he either defends his actions or denies, or excuses it, or something.  It's always my fault, but I don't understand how that can be. 

What I am wondering is whether other people are in situations where they work with their A spouse in a family business?  I love him very much (as you can see by what I put up with), but I hate his illness. At this point, the only thing I have left is to just up and leave him, but once I pull that trigger then everyone at work will be in our business.  The other option is to stay the course and remain sober and hope that he will at some point realize what is going on, but I just don't see that happening.  He has too much control to keep it from being a problem at work and there are too many people supporting his habits that I am the "bad guy" for trying to get him to quit.  And I hate giving ultimatums, because I know the hard truth is that he would choose his addictions over me. Historically, the men I have been with have always had a mistress of some kind. Clearly I choose men who put me third or fourth down the list and I have brought this on myself.  

Ugh - what a mess I have put myself in.  Thanks for listening.