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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feel like I'm going crazy!
Post Info TOPIC: Feel like I'm going crazy!
flagbabe83


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Feel like I'm going crazy!
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Hi, I'm new to all of this! I've come here because I feel like I'm losing a grip on reality and need some new perspective. Here's my story (the short of it):

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dating for 10. When I first met him in college, he'd drink a lot but no more than the average college student. I didn't think it was a big deal. After a few years, we moved in together and I noticed that he'd drink almost every night and I confronted him that I didn't like it. We again, were young so I didn't think much of it. He got a DUI 5 years ago. It scared him but he didn't stop drinking, just cut back. He drank everyday, vodka, for the past 4 years. Again, I didn't think too much of it because he never really got drunk or caused a problem.

The reason this is a problem for me is that I think he drinks to much. He will finish a 1.75 Litre of Vodka in 7-9 days. He only drinks at night once our 2 year old goes to bed. He isn't mean, he doesn't hurt me or child. He'll wake up smelling like liquor. What it is affecting is my view of him, our sex life (lack of it), and my fears that this will grow out of control. 

I confronted him a month ago and told him that I've had it. He told me that he'd cut back, doesn't think that he is an alcoholic. He thinks he is just going through a hard time in his life (still hasn't gotten a good job since college). He says that once he gets a better job he'll get out of this "rut". He cut back to only drinking on the weekends for the past two weeks now to show me that he can control it. I find the need to keep checking on his levels of liquor even though he has cut back. He has admitted that he has a problem but doesn't think its beyond his control. He says that he just abuses it but that he's not an alcoholic. When I confronted him that if he didn't have a problem he could just stop drinking, he said that I'm stressing him out so much by obsessing and policing him (this is something my counselor warned me about that I might do if I continue to bring it up).

I don't know if I should believe him. I've started to see a counselor for help on this and my obsessing about it. She's really made me wonder if I'm making more out of it than I should be. I feel so lost. I go back in forth in my mind whether or not I should run and divorce him or stay and see if he gets worse or if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I don't know what my gut tells me because it switches everyday. I worry because his mother is an alcoholic (sober for 7 years) and I used to date/live with an alcoholic. I also worry about separating or divorcing because he would have custody of our daughter as well since there really isn't anything to convince a court that he has a problem. I also don't want to divorce him but I don't want to stand by his side if he can't control it and doesn't seek help.

Is there a difference between problem drinker and alcoholic? Can he really just moderate his drinking? Any thoughts on this matter are helpful and appreciated. The stats on recovery is very depressing. Sad to think that my once amazing husband will/might succumb to this disease



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karma13


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Welcome ;) you are in the right place. In alanon we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, detach with love and find inner peace whether the alcoholics in our life is still drinking or not. I would suggest finding a face to face alanon meeting and attending six meetings before deciding if alanon is right for you. If there are no face to face meetings in your area there are meetings riight here each morning. Also it is suggested not to make any life altering decisions until you have been in the program for six months. My heart aches for you and I understand how heartbreaking this disease is. Whether or not your husband is a alcoholic I don't know, I do understand it is affecting you and that you can work on in the program. In alanon we learn the three Cs we didn't cause it we can't cure it and we can't control the drinking. I found myself in the program, some things changed for the better some things didn't...but I have peace and inner contentment most days now. Keeping you in my prayers

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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 
John


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I ditto every thing Karma said!  She put it in clear, easy to understand writing.. read it.. read it a few times.

Welcome home, it sounds like you are at the right place.

John



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" And what did we gain?  A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."

(Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions,Step 3. pg 21)

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Debilyn


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Sadly the disease does progress. We have no control over any of it. NO use in involving ourselves wondering if they drink, or if they are lying or manipulating. Or if they are selfish etc.

He is who he is, he has a horrible disease. He will stop if he gets to a place he can and is ready. It is not just a matter of ok today I quit, or cut down etc.

i found for me the best thing was to completely let it go. Its not my disease, I cannot help him. To help him I need to let go, let God. I found all I could do was love him.

Mine is super super sick and at the very end of his life.

We learn here on mip to be able to see the truth of what we want, what we can live with. it is almost impossible to live with an addict. Read that many many years ago in some AA literature.

When we have kids involved its even harder. For sure if we leave our homes and lives will be different and a lot easier. then we think about custody etc. But we have NO idea how that will go. If they are using, we have them see them at their relatives, we do not allow them to drive with them.

Most all addicts who are using do not make the effort to get the kids. Serenity on here has done an amazing job of protecting her kids from A's bologna.

many others have too. Breaking free is another example. When our kids are old enough, believe me they will tell you if they want to see them or not.

My daughter   used to meet A at a restaurant or a cafe where there were computers etc. He pulled an awful thing drink when her baby was a newborn! The state moved her to another city, paid for a new home. She was in college getting her 5 yr degree/ The first time she met with him I went. I took my knitting needles wood ones, used to be gmas...made sure he saw those. And I took out my big locking knife too! there are ways so discourage anything bad happening. I am glad I have NEVER  in my life had to use protection.

Had to say that. Then he only saw my little Sprout at his gpas!

So I hope you look at what you want, and what you need to feel, serene, safe and happy! LOVE



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
tiredtonite


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No need to go crazy. Glad you found us and maybe you'll find there's something here for you or at an Alanon meeting. As far as measuring his alcoholism, ie: problem drinker or alcoholic; if his drinking is a problem for you, you've found a good message board for your own recovery.  A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic. The disease progresses whether someone is drinks cheap or expensive booze. Alcoholism shows itself differently from person to person. I do think it's a little more difficult on family however when the alcoholic is a functioning one because they often don't think they have a problem nor do people who interact with them but don't live with them like you do. This tends to make us look like sticks in the mud and party poopers because they are holding their liquor and not falling down drunk. Those of us who have lived with this know how disruptive it can be to daily life and relationships. Sex life? Not when your spouse has alcohol as his/her mistress/master or well lets just say... the sober spouse gets sloppy seconds.

Alanon is a good program for taking stock of our own lives, how we are living and how we might live better. It's a program of self focus because we can only change ourselves. We don't change to fit ourselves more comfortably into an already unacceptable situation, we empower ourselves to reach for our own happiness and no longer be weighted down by someone's drinking. It's a beginning to find joy in living again.

Maybe your husband will find sobriety, maybe he won't but what you're experiencing with him is not imagined. Whether he drinks to much or you understand him to be an alcoholic, the result is the same.  He isn't fully available to himself or anyone else.  Waiting for active alcoholics to show up for us, wastes a lot of precious time that we can't get back.  Maybe you'll find the Alanon program is good for you, good self care and you may feel less isolated with your feelings about what's going on in your home. No one ever got anyone else sober. It's something that can only happen through your husband connecting with his own higher power and being ready.  You can pray for him or keep good thoughts for him getting sober but not much more.

Maybe you'll choose to keep coming back to continue recovering with us.  TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
flagbabe83


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Thank you everyone! My suspicions were confirmed today when I found two mini bottles of vodka hidden in a box in our closet. I now need to decide what I want to do. I'm trying so hard not to yell at him and give him ultimatums that I can't commit to. Does anyone have advice about how to gain sole custody when you are divorcing a high functioning alcoholic?

Thanks!

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hotrod


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Welcome flagbabe, I hear you and have experienced a similar occurrence with uncovering alcohol in the strangest of places. I understand your frustration and disappointment and would like to suggest that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend before you make any major decisions.

Living with the disease affects us in many negative ways. Attending face-to-face meetings and breaking the isolation, is important to reestablishing our ability to make wise choices. Receiving the support from those who understand his few others can is essential to your recovery.
Please keep coming back and sharing you are not alone


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Kerrymom


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Welcome, in alanon you will see that living with an alcoholic does indeed make you crazy. Your story is SO similar to mine except I don't have alcoholics in my extended family so I had no idea. My AH and I also met in college, he drank a lot but it's college right. weve been together 18 years, married for 13 and I've heard the "i will cut back" "if I was an alcoholic I couldn't stop", only drink beer, and on the excuses go.  My AH also started drinking a 1.75 over 2 week-ends, then it was just one week-end, then it was nightly drinking, then he started hiding and denying that he was drinking, but he still went to work, he isn't mean, what's my problem right?. looking back I see the progression Of his disease. 

i started Alanon about a year ago and it's been amazing, I was thinking he was drinking because of me, or the kids, it was a relief to know there was nothing I could do to have him stop And it didn't matter if he was an A I was having problems with his drinking. We have 2 kids, age 6 and 1, and the visitation has been the reason I've stayed. I recently met with a different lawyer who was supportive in my thinking the visitation would be supervised or for short periods of time, and no driving (mine has driven drunk with the oldest). My AH has never had a DUI or anything but he did complete an alcohol evaluation which recommended inpatient treatment, I brought a copy of that with. I've also taken pics and video of him passed out with kids, and documented binges. I would get a consultation from a lawyer, I would think with a DUI on his record that would support what you say. If you aren't comfortable with what that one says go to another, I made that mistake! Not trying to give advice just share what my experience has been. I hope you check into face to face meetings and keep coming back! 



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andromeda


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He could be a problem drinker or an alcoholic. What really matters is that his drinking is affecting you, and in effect, actually affecting the functioning and happiness of the family. As others have said, it wouldn't hurt to try Al Anon. You've gotten lots of great feedback, keep coming back and welcome!

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