NL I was so ridden with negative talk in my head, that I could think I am afraid and instantly be in terror...geez I started to refuse the thoughts or words. I say stop in my head, then everything is ok. then I think of wild purple irises.

I NEVER tell myself bad things in my head anymore. If something starts, those irises just pop in.  Its weird I know.

But it works. I love me, the me hp gave me. I work on her all the time. I goof, make mistakes, am wrong, but I say stop and put in that same thing. Then I look at how I need to adjust me to do better.

I am nothing special anymore. Almost 62. For that age I look pretty good, I like my heart, I like my brain. But gone is that almost perfect body. I could pick things and make myself really hate me. But I have my body parts, I have not lost one sense, cept a bit of smell which isn't bad since i have 9 dogs....HEY I do keep things clean but face it, dogs smell. I have a basset.

Anyway Hey I look at you and am impressed! You found your own shelter, making it into a home! You work hard on your health. Now for me to be sore is ok. I know where you are. What i did was slow down some, I take breaks where I could work outside on my little farm doing hard work for 10 hours at your age.

Now I maybe can go 3. But if you keep going and doing what you can, you will cont to be able to to the point you can handle it.

Its the ones who feel that soreness and pain who will curl up and die early.

Attitude is so important. My gma I shared lived to 106. She was still gardening,walking to the br. She walked her wheel chair to go eat. BUT her garden was made so she could do it sitting in her chair. We took her on walks in her chair. But she kept doing what she could. She knitted till she could not see. And then my dear gma got those books on tape and listened.

So honestly my dearest, what I see is being positive, not allowing those stupid negative thoughts in, I mean they do NO NO NO good anyway. So think good thoughts, move your body, do what you love, find your passions and do them! I love fencing, putting in windows. I can't do windows anymore, or heavy stuff.

I do what I can. I could not put all the cement step thingys on the ground like I want to make a sorta padio floor, but I did ten or so, so far!    sore, omgosh of course, but I have a nice double recliner that I melt into with my dogs. (c:

Now see I could say I have this stinky double reclliner that I have to leave my side up becuz I am not strong enough to push it back down again, it needs cleaning, is probably ugly.

I could say my hair has some grey in it, my face is getting rounder, have some wrinkles I don't like. My butt is flat, my fingers are all getting weird, all my weight is in my gut, legs and hands arms too skinny....but i say I can walk, I like I look like my grama, I like my hair its soft, I like that I have lots of muscle.

I only look at the positive.

What I love too is I know I am not perfect. Being humble is very comforting to me. Believing totally in hp is so freeing. I KNOW no matter what, everything will be ok. And believe me my life has been full of some horrible circumstances, but thru the loss, pain, and more I see it is ok. I know better is coming. HP has all my faith.

HE likes me so how can I dare not like me!!!!

You are doing fine. I hope this "stop" trick works for you if you choose to do it. It works, it really does! hugs!

 

Debilyn...thanks for the encouragement. by the way...most of my weight is in my gut too. i hate it. so hard to get rid of. but i have muscles in my arms. ha ha. my thoughts get the best of me.

Be gentle with yourself and trust your HP. You are doing the
Best you can. You still have a lot of conflicting emotions about
Your ah and your financial problems. The more you mourn and
Grieve you will process and face your feelings. It takes time
I feel very weak after a emotional episode from crying. But with
This i sometimes face some hard truths and realizations about ah
and myself.

My ah is actively cheating so their is no hope or Possibility of a
change of heart from him. Ah lives at his mothers And his gf's.
He is unrepentent but i still suffer from grieving and mourning.
We had a good life and marriage for 18 years. Things started
Going bad 11 years ago and his disease kept progressing even
Though he is dry. At least when they are drinking you can point
Your finger and say there it is. That is the problem right here.
My ah has a addictive personality and is a dry drunk now going to
AA but my life just got worse not better with him in AA because
He still is not facing himself and his problems. He is now addicted
To sex and women. How sad is that? I know your ah is a hoarder
That would be tough to bear and deal with. Addictions are scary
We have no more power over them than they do. Unless they want
To change. That is the big issue, willingness to CHANGE.

Ok, I'm going to play devils advocate here but when someone has a drink to unwind at night, I personally don't see that as a red flag. My aunt, a very seriously spiritual woman who has a ton of self awareness and who is always in control of herself, often has a drink to unwind at night when she takes a bath or relaxes. Maybe that's just me because my AH is a binge drinker and doesn't drink every night, LOL?? Who knows.....

Also, I get the obsession thing with the friend. I have a male friend whom I go back and forth with and sometimes I obsess over certain things. Actually, I do this with female friendships, too. Did they get my text, why haven't they responded, did I push too hard and they got irritated with me, am I too needy, obsess obsess obsess.......

And, then the obsession leads me down the path of general negativity. My sponsor reminds me that I really need to just in TODAY. The past is the past and the future hasn't happened yet. So, what can I do for me today that isn't obsessive or negative or depressing but that makes my recovery better for just one day??? Focusing on the moment that I am actually living in and the reality of my life as it at this moment really helps me gain a better perspective.