Alcoholic partner just lied to me after 5 months of trust - Al-Anon Family Group

nic · Newbie

Alcoholic partner just lied to me after 5 months of trust

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Nic-

I can certainly understand your being upset about the scenario you described. It's a terrible feeling of betrayal when trust is broken. Alanon is a program for you; if you go to some meetings you may find a safe space to talk about some of the issues that exist when living with an alcoholic, but no one will try to convince you to stay (or leave).

For what it's worth, when I first found this website I was too upset to go to face to face meetings. I would come here, read the message boards, post a bit. There are also online meetings twice a day if that is more comfortable at first. The face to face meetings, along with suggested literature, and eventually a sponsor did help me immensely and I'm sure would be a source of strength and support for you as well.

Glad you came here--keep coming back!

Mary

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Nic Welcome I hear you and understand your frustration, anger and pain. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who lived with the insanity of the disease of alcoholism.
Al-Anon has no position whether we stay or go in a relationship but does recommend that there be no major life changes for this first six months pn program. The only reason for this suggestion is that many of us enter the program confused and lost. By breaking the isolation caused by the disease and attending meetings we learn to reestablish our self-esteem and self-worth and are then more capable of making wise choices.

You are correct you deserve a successful supportive relationship so please keep coming back. There are answers.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I've never heard alanon legislate we can't leave toxic behavior Being with alcoholic just requires too much work on my part to have wanted to stay in relationship. I would work my program. Follow what your higher power prompts u to do. Attend meetings. If u want out. It is your right to take care of you. Non recovering alcoholics can only offer you sickness, pain, financial woes mental angst, and watching them die slowly as you give end of life care. Not a pretty future. In support

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome nic.

Al Anon is for someone who is affected by the addiction of another. Of course it is awful!

Sadly you may want to consider that there are symptoms of being an addict, are lying, manipulation, and more.

Nic A's' are wired different from a non A. They do not think like we do. You said he thinks you are stupid. Not the case at all, he is more concerned about himself than you. His disease caused him to sneak around. He cares what you think so he tries to hide it. No, they cannot just stop. Believe me if they could, they would quit.

They cannot stop until they find they want to be on program more than hide the using etc. Also they have to be ready in their senses, spiritual, physical, mental etc

Its HARD to commit to a program. Every part of them craves whatever they are addicted to from the moment they open their eyes in the morning.

They still love you of course. But this driving forceful horrible disease is stronger. He or she does not choose this. Them mean nothing against you

some people do want to stay, so here at mip and using al anon principles, we hope to find a way to live with them.

for me it was accepting him as he was. Of course it took time. But once i knew it was a disease, he cannot control it, it was nothing personal and he loved me I could live happy with him.

My love for him is bigger than that disease.

If I saw what you did, I would have not given it any thought. He is an A, it is his business. I can't do anything about it. I can learn ways to live with it or keep it as is or leave. If an A uses, no surprise, that is what they do. IF an A lies, is selfish, manipulates, that is what they do. The question is do I want to learn how to live with them? It is proven scientifically they can believe their own lies! No he was not going to drink, he can be drinking, sloppy walken talken and BELIEVE he is not drunk

My A says to me I have not been drinking in 3 mo. I said oh really?I thought you just got a dui last month? He looked numb and in no way could accept it. I saw that a lot. Its too horrible to face it so they don't and cant.

I often said I am so sad you have this horrible disease.

See all the symptoms did not matter to me. using something, drink heroin whatevet I loved him, I made vows, I did not want to live with out him. For me his brain damage after a brain surgery and medical relapse, made him into an abusive monster so I could no longer be with him.

NO matter what you decide we are here to support you and understand! hugs

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

My now ex Alcoholic BF was so very good at bringing if I trusted him into any conversation it became all I thought about. Did I trust him, was I insecure or playing the victim like he said. I read books on how not to be insecure, I even started acting very insecure.... amazing how all that changed (after a while) when I was no longer with him... I didn't need all those books after all what I needed was not to be with him.

Gosh... I always think about the frog that fell into the pot of semi warm water then the heat was gradually turned up and the frog didn't know when to jump out so he cooked to death.

And yes to me when I first went to al anon and first came to this board it did seem to me like the philosophy was to not leave a person with a disease. When I did anyway I then began to see that no one ever said that .. it was maybe just what I wanted to hear or it was perception over reality.. don't know for sure I am just glad I finally got out before I burned to death.

Also please remember they don't lie because they hate you or don't love you they lie because they are alcoholics and that is just what they do. They do everything they do because of alcohol every little thing revolves around what they love and need most alcohol, and yes you do deserve better and yes there are men and women out there that will treat you as you deserve, my first step was to treat myself as I deserved and to work on that daily no matter what anyone else said or did, I had to treat me like I wanted to be treated by others before I could expect to find someone to treat me well.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Alcoholism can certainly make us feel stupid. Qtip, quit taking it personally, is a good tool for this. Don't take it personally because alcoholism is highly deceptive. You are angry because you are starting to become aware. When this happened for me, I needed evidence I wasn't stupid. I looked for that evidence in the one I loved. bad idea. The incredible ridiculousness continued. Always there was some excuse some justification some calm explanation, every bit as plausible as pouring a glass of wine not to drink it. That's the crazy making part for us the partners. Then I had to look for evidence within me. Ala non meetings, literature ( I'm a voracious reader) this board all helped me. There are meetings online daily. Unfortunately they can't change. Not without an over riding desire and a strong recovery programme. I'm very sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. And I also hear fighting self worth at the end of the post. Ala non is a great place to grow that back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.