The material presented
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It's the early hours of the morning here and I was awoken a while back with our son coming in, he has a girlfriend now and a three month old baby son and has been a constant figure in her two other children,s life's, he has a drink problem though and he was in court last week for being drunk and disorderly, he was bailed and fined and then tonight the police have just come and arrested him and taken him away because he's caused criminal damage at his girlfriends house and she called the police, it's sooooooooooo shamefull soooooooooooooo crappy, sooooooooo embarasssing, he's 23, as a mother his mother, I feel responsible in my heart, it's in our family both sides, I accept this has to happen he deserves the consequences he has to suffer them to learn, but we as parents suffer too, my husband was losing it with him because he was being disrespectful to me when trying to rouse him for the police to take him away, I asked husband to calm down and let the police go upstairs and deal with him, he came down calmly for them and I just watched in disbelief really, they appolagised to me for the situation and I just said to my son please be respectful to these people.
The trouble thing is this is becoming regular and normal and it's horrible, I am looking for things within it to help me cope, like thinking well he is young maybe with my different attitude towards this my lack of denial maybe just maybe he will stop this madness and get his life on track, nite nite mip x
Oh, Katy: I have experienced some of the same thoughts and feelings you have in this circumstance. I want to share a little story with you about somebody else's son I once knew who did some of what your son is doing many years ago. He'd get beat up. He'd get in trouble. He'd go looking for fights. Then, he'd come to talk with me and I'd listen, listen, listen and tell him how concerned I was for him and how much I believed in him. I didn't criticize him, blah-blah-blah.
One day he came to my office - hurt and sorrowful again after another night of drinking and fighting. I looked at him and then all of a sudden, I started laughing. He looked perplexed and asked what was funny? He trusted me so he knew I wasn't mean spirited. I shared the sudden insight I'd had with him: "K, you're doing what you want to do. When you get sick enough of it, you'll stop it." It took him about another year or two, but he did. He was in his mid-30s by then, but he decided he'd had enough of his own stuff and when he did, he went for the help he needed. His Mom didn't have a thing to do with that or with his adult choices. He didn't blame her either. He loved her.
I had another thought on this, too. One of the ways I was able to cope was to attend open AA meetings in our area and also an open AA meeting when my son was in rehab. All of the speakers in the meetings credited the program for helping them. Not one speaker ever blamed his/her Mom for their difficulties. They didn't give them credit either. I'd always leave those meetings feeling grounded and knowing that taking a hands off policy in my son's life was the direction I needed to go.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of January 2015 12:16:45 AM
Katy , I do hear you and understand, I needed to remind myself that alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease. Unfortunately our sons have been affected by the
disease, and their behavior reflects the disease and not our Mothering.
Letting go, praying, trusting HP helps. I will keep your family in my prayers.
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
