The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
at my mothers. Sorry to come here with negativity but it's not very pleasant. It was a long day moving and cleaning out that little room we had been staying in today. The mother came to help move my stuff (I had told her not to and that I would move it OK on my own but, she doesn't seem to hear the frequency my voice is in and turned up anyway). So she bore a very angry expression and barely spoke to me for no reason I am aware of and all comments so far have been to the effect of "this is the most inconvenient thing I have ever experienced and you'd better get out of here yesterday". So, you know. The cat wasn't allowed to come. She was trying to force me to leave him at the animal shelter to be destroyed. I said I will not have my cat destroyed and she threw a tantrum yelling "why do you always have to have everything your own way?" Indeed. The mind boggles. I ended up paying landlady person to mind him for a couple of weeks. After that I don't know what I will do with him. My dog keeps whining at the door because he doesn't understand why their dog is inside and he is outside. I'm not complaining about that, he will get used to it, but mother and sister repeatedly tell me I should go and sleep outside with him. It doesn't get any funnier but they just keep saying it....my sister has spent far more of her years living at mothers house, why isn't she considered an inconvenience and told to sleep outside? Why does she jump on the bandwagon and put me down? What exactly is everyone's problem with me anyway? At least don't feel sad and ashamed like I used to. I feel angry and kind of not that interested in them. If they don't like me then whatever, it's their problem not mine. So that's a positive, something to be glad about. Anger isn't great but it's better than feeling pathetic and ashamed. It's an improvement.
What's positive then? Well I have my own room. That's nice. It's cheaper to live here and maybe I can get my car fixed and buy a computer not to mention all of the things daughter needs. But it's difficult to be positive knowing how urgent it is that I move out as soon as possible and, to be honest I'm a bit shocked at how desperate they are for me to be gone when I have only been here for half a day. Why when she kept telling me to come here? What is this stupid game? It's awful really. When I have finished writing this I will look up the local meetings and see which ones I can get to. That will be another positive. I hope.
I'm reminding myself that I did not ask mother to have my belongings here, I wanted to put it into storage. This was her project and I am not going to be upset by the constant complaining about my 'crap" in the garage. She also spent a few months telling me I should come here so this whole "its so inconvenient how soon can you be gone" thing is not even worth wasting time thinking about. Well she's decided that "she doesn't need this" so she's going to her beach-house tomorrow and hopes I'll be gone by the time she gets back. I need to say I've been trying my hardest to be friendly to her and don't actually know what the hostility is about. But if she wants to go to the beach for a couple of weeks so she doesn't have to deal with the awful trauma of having to be near me then good, I guess. However the biggest hurdle for me now is that driving around here is CRAZY and I am in no way ready for it. I've gone from quiet little seaside town to inner city and it would confuse and scare me on a good day and right now my nerves are like jelly. So I feel very trapped and afraid. To go all the way back to the place where I need to apply for houses scares me more than I can overcome for the moment. It would have been nice if she could have come with me as a copilot and to go to house inspections even just for a day. I did tell her the only thing I really need from her is for her to come with me to do some city driving while I get used to it. I guess the answer is a pretty resounding NO. I don't know why, she taught all but 1 of my siblings but would not teach either of us. Once again, not worth scratching my head over.
I have no idea why I was rejected for every house I applied for. I have asked and been given various BS responses but nothing that is actually true, so that makes it hard to feel any hope of finding a place; if I don't know what the problem is then there's no way for me to fix it. So yes it's true I feel extremely negative and disheartened. Right now I feel as though I have failed in every possible way; here I am, 38, and I couldn't even keep a roof over my child's head. It's not a very good feeling.
I could deal with all of that anyway, one way or another. What is difficult is the fact that daughter worked hard to get into an advanced learning course at a really good high school and now I have to tell her she can't do it. It was a big deal, something we both wanted very much for her. That's the bit that has me feeling so very low. She has her whole academic future mapped out, she's very motivated and I really worry about the impact this will have. Yes she will cope but she is also learning that lots of hard work and determination don't amount to anything really. That's not how I wanted this to end up. It shouldn't even be difficult. She worked hard, did the entrance exams and interview, got selected, we spent months and months planning and being excited for her, now why can't she go? How freaking ridiculous is it that I cant rent us a house or flat or ANYTHING and now she can't go? I don't even know anyone that just can't rent a home at all, it defies logic and I feel so hopeless and angry and sad and I don't know why it is happening.
What is positive is that I'm seeing the differences in the way I react (or don't) to my family and their really unpleasant behaviour towards me. It still hurts but I'm not making an idiot out of myself trying to "win them over". It's not a lot but it's something. I guess i'm going to have to focus on some positives or this anger and sadness is going to suck me right down into a black hole.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((Melly))) No apology needed and I see many positives in your words as you navigate some very challenging situations. In the meantime, you're safe with a roof over your head and you can use this time to plan for something better. Your situation is different, but I remember having to pull my daughter from her private school and place her into the public school system because of her AD's downward spiral that drained all of our finances. I was worried about how this would affect her and her future, but somehow, things worked out very well. I'm sure you and your daughter looked under every rock for options; I'm wondering if the school could assist with some kind of temporary placement for her living close to the school?
Well according to the meeting schedule I could go to one every day if I have the courage to drive to them. So maybe that will kill 2 birds with 1 stone (why are all of these expressions so violent? I don't want to kill 2 birds any more than I want to eat a poor sweet elephant one bite at a time )
So anyway that doesn't solve my myriad woes but it gives me something to focus on, be brave and drive to a meeting a day.
Also I went out to investigate some odd noises and discovered my dog has been digging up their dog's bones and is making a meal out of them. I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it. That's my boy, making the most of it instead of crying all night, lol
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks for the update Ms. M. It is not ideal but at least you can regroup and save some money.
As far as daughter's school is concerned is it possible for you to investigate the possibility of her transferring tot a similar school in your mom's area?
I will pray for HP's will in this.
Bud I was thinking I'll talk to the school when holidays end, I doubt they could help place her elsewhere but I wonder if they can give her a few weeks grace before she starts to buy more time. Surely the first few weeks of high school can't be that academically demanding. It's not logical to think I'll never be able to rent again after all.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Its extremely unlikely Betty, the select entry process is done a long time in advance and the places are very limited. It was sort of a huge deal which is why I am feeling so upset about it. I do intend to enquire though. School is out for summer so there's no-one to ask for the next 3 weeks unfortunately. This is a very frustrating time of year to be trying to organise anything really.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Haha Melly- stones, bones, birds, and elephants... and despite all, here your are and maybe it's not violent expressions but more about finding the beauty even in your challenges. You are brave and your courage is so inspiring. Sending prayers.
Just caught your despair about ever renting- it may seem that way now, but things are likely to change. In my experience, things like this are in HP's timeframe, but requires my continued effort to work with HP and keep an open mind.
Stones Bones birds and elephants would be a good title for a book, lol
Thanks for the encouragement anyway. It's like a big warm hug after a not so lovely day.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Betty I need to also say that I love this picture of you. You look happy and I've had to look at it a few times to decide if there is actually a white wall behind you or not, whoever's wall it is it's very clean lol!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Melly you are in my prayers. Your family sounds highly dysfunctional and wildly codependent.
I hope you can land a job so you can get out of there to your own place for you,your daughter
And your pets. Your daughters private school would not be my top prioity she will adjust. You have
much bigger issues going on in your life. A sane and peaceful place to live! #1
I can not imagine you will get much peace at your mothers house. My mother is highly
dysfunctional and i start to climb the wall after 15 minutes. I go within myself
Into my protective shell. My mother is very controlling and micromanaging and i say she is a
Narcissitic. There is no winning with her its all about her and her wants desires and needs. She is
somewhat better now about her mind games because she is old and on drugs. Sounds mean but
That is what it is. Many on here come from dysfunctional familes or have had an active alcoholicism in
Their lives. So no one is judging you, you have been thru alot of unpleasantness and you have
Survived. Think of yourself as a survivor, thats what i do. God has had your back ,he is in you
And he loves you as you are warts and all. You need to love Melly too it is a hard journey after
So much abuse.
With the help of alanon and your tools you will thrive and grow. The only negative person i allow
in my life right now is my mother but i put up big boundaries that she would not respect so now
I will not discuss my upcoming divorce or anything related with her. Negative and bad people only
Bring you down. Recovery work is tough enough mentally and emotionally. It takes a lot of hard work
And soul searching. I think of my home right now as my she cave. It is a place of comfort for healing
And getting well. A place i can feel my feelings, cry if i need to. Be peaceful with no ongoing abuse.
You've outgrown the old role. Families find us so annoying when that happens. We find their unacceptable behaviors tedious. Living with them is only temporary. This makes me think of the part of the Just for Todaybookmark that tells us we can do something for twelve hours that would appall us we knew we had to keep it up for a lifetime.
As far as your daughter and not being able to go to that school, maybe hp has a lesson in this for her. Your not being able to get a place to live might have been a part of that lesson for her. You and she did all you could. You both gave your best. Hp is saying either no or not now. What stand out concerning this is that we can do everything in our power to have something work out but nothing is guaranteed. We understand this as adults but kids need these experiences to gain some resillience that life isn't always fair. Who really knows what hp has in mind by throwing this roadblock. All we can do is feel our way through the disappointment and confusion about the outcome and reach a place of quiet acceptance and see what comes next.
Thanks for sharing. Hang in there. Glad you made a humane choice for your cat and glad you can have your dog with you even if circumstances are less than ideal. Pets can be a real comfort. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi Melly, just a thought, would your mum or your daughter's dad be able to apply for a house in the area where you want to live close to her school? I mean as they can probably have the tenancy agreement in their name but you will reside there and pay the rentI know it is not ideal but could be a short term solution until you build your score and rent a place on your own name?
I know how stressful this situation is, I am going through something similar, the only difference is that the homeless service here (although very stressed at the moment) will never leave a mother&child without a roof even if this means temporary accommodation at first (apparently nasty B&Bs or dirty mouldy bedsits)I have already logged an application with the homeless services and will have a reply within the next few daysI am still not sure if I will go down that route but I need to know what is really available for me.
Are there any similar services in Australia?
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
)