Paralyzed with fear - Al-Anon Family Group

Jessmine · Member

Paralyzed with fear

oceanpine · Senior Member

I am so sorry you are experiencing this fear as you take steps to take care of yourself. Is your husband seeking any help for his depression or drinking? Are you able to get to Al-Anon meetings for some in-person support?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Jessmine. I can't tell you if you did the most loving thing or not in this case. That is something only you can really decide. I can suggest that perhaps a call to his sponsor might be an option? Another option is to call the police with a request for a welfare check.

It always helps me to check my motives before I act so that when the fear shows up again, I can go back inside and remember what motivated my decision or I talk with my own sponsor to talk things over and reason things out according to Al-Anon principles. Meetings are always a big help for me, too, when I am confused. I can walk in muddy as a dirty riverbed and walk out with clarity and understanding of the next right step for me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Jasimine If you are afraid that he may kill himself I would call the police and alert them. We have a 24/7 hour chat room available and 2 on line meetings each day.
Please reach out and connect . You are not alone.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Welcome Jasimine If you are afraid that he may kill himself I would call the police and alert them. We have a 24/7 hour chat room available and 2 on line meetings each day.
Please reach out and connect . You are not alone.

Hi...i agree with hotrod.....a call to the police would be a good thing.....IF the worst happens, you can't control someone who really wants to die....i know, one of my brothers got a life threatening illness and deliberately let it kill him.....if they want to die, they will find a way...also you mention depression....is he drinking and on depression meds????? is he being treated for depression???? perhaps a call to his doctor???? most of the time i woud leave the alcoholic to their own devices and let the chips fall where they may, but hes in a hotel, hes suicidal, perhaps, i think the police need to be informed......as to your boundary???? if u don't thnk you can stand to a boundary, don't set one...it gives mix messages and then the A does not believe you......living with this is like being held hostage....he talks suicide , maybe its real..maybe it is to control you....I don't know enough about your story to gauge, and for me??? I would call the cops...err on the side of caution, but i would not let him use that as a sledge hammer against me, either.....i think you need some meetings....this is a huge load on your plate.....

glad you reached out to us.......in the meetings and on this board you will find out you are not alone.......

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Is your feeling about how he is or will handle the situation fact? Has he attempted suicide before that you know? Alcohol is a chemical depressant...and in relapse the disease demands that he drink back up to level that he left off at. Allow him his feelings of failure and sadness. If you talk to him again tell him to look up the hotline number for AA and call for a visit. Don't get the number for him...let him do it The more desire he has to save his own butt the better and you already know you are powerless over this...he actually has more power to help himself than you do...Turn him over. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

i understand. my AH and i are separated but he has been depressed a lot and drinks to cope...which really only makes it worse. dont put the responsibility of helping him on yourself. he needs professional help. its ok to not talk or text him. if you dont hear from him soon...think about calling the police or offer to take him to a hospital. you cant cure him.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Police is the thing to do for a suicidal person. They do not realize it but it is cruel and torturous to threaten suicide all the time. I don't know off the brief snippet, but I can there is enough to merrit a psychiatic evaluation if not a psychiatric commitment. Just like we are not qualified to be an alcohol counselor for him, you can't be his psychiatrist or therapist. I had to have my ex-A committed. He was angry at the time but it was the right thing. It was beyond anything I could control and this seems similar for you. Prayers for both of you and your family.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If a person chooses to commit suicide we cannot control anyone but ourselves. Whether he is off at a motel, driving home, up late at the bar etc, we are not going to push them to do it or stop them. Same as we cannot make them drink or not drink.

It is true we can call the police when someone is threatening to do it. In fact, for their sake is it on thing we can do. Or we can always ask the police to do a wellness check when we are concerned.

His using this is trick can also be his disease manipulating.A's like to feel a high from things. For him to say this he may like the response he gets,gives him a thrill. He gets attention and also is happy to control others around him by upsetting them.

For him to not answer the phone, or texts is a great way to control you. Well I don't get to be home so i will make her miserable too. There are or may be other reasons he is not responding.

With the police he gets consequences for his own behavior. If it is his disease playing games, I doubt he would pull this again.

My A used to take off and have the whole family upset. They would be off looking for him. Of course he used the suicide card. sick behavior.

When he came back to me many years later and threatened to leave, I just pointed out the doors....

Please believe me, you did NOTHING wrong and did a great thing making boundaries. There is no reason for you to allow his disease to suck you dry and pull you into the pit too.

YOu are the well one. Give yourself a chance to climb back up and change this situation so you are ok!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 9th of January 2015 11:34:22 PM

Jessmine · Member

Thank you all for your replies & guidance. I did have a couple of panic attacks that I made it through (the "what if's" are excrutiating). Then, I used my Alanon tools (still a beginner) to focus on me and not contact him the rest of the night. If he committed suicide, it was not in my hands. He knows his family loves him but can only live with a sober husband & father. Then I focused completely on myself. And you know what? I missed him and worried but then forced myself to push it out of my mind. And I actually had a peaceful evening first with my kids and then on my own in peaceful solitude. This afternoon he came home (I think sober but I'm keeping to myself so I'm not 100% sure). I'm finally starting to realize that I actually would almost rather it all just ends. At least there would be closure. At least I could know the general circumstances of my life. What I hate is limbo. It just sucks the life out of you. I'll keep focusing on me & the kids because whether AH drinks & dies, stays sober & lives or any other combination of outcomes, I am completely & utterly powerless over it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good awareness and acceptance Jessmine. You are usiing your new tools well.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Very well done

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to what you are saying about the what ifs and if onlys, Jessmine. I'm glad you were able to get some sleep and were able to better focus on you and the children and what you could do and left the rest alone.

Jessmine · Member

Tonight I've also decided I will no longer remind him about his medications. He is takes Rx for depression/anxiety, bipolar II disorder, blood pressure, reflux, etc. I noticed that while he was gone he didn't take his meds at all even though I texted him to remind him once. I think I need to follow the "don't do for someone what they can do for themselves". It's a little scary because these meds help to keep him mentally & emotionally stable. But really what can I do? I didn't sign up to be his nurse. So I'm letting go of that responsibility.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Jessmine, these are complicated situations that have no pat answer. In Al-Anon, we learn not to mother our spouses. In your husband's case, he also has impaired judgment from what I've read and perhaps a call to his doctor might be in order? Sudden cessation of the drugs from his body would be concerning to me, too.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

As you know. Jessmine you can remind him all you want in the end we , as is the Doctor, are powerless over his disease. He is responsible for taking his med's but if you decide that you are resigning from the job of reminder maybe you can tell him so . This way he knows the responsibility is all on his shoulders.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to do that. Stop telling AH to take his meds, etc and I told him that I was stepping away from the role. I can tell that he doesn't take his meds when he's supposed to on a regular basis but there is nothing I can do about it because even when I tried to step in, he didn't want my help and actually resented it.

My AH takes 3 different meds and all of them say to not drink while on them, but he does anyway. I can't control him, I can't monitor him, and I gave up trying because it just caused him to resent me more. The last time he threatened suicide, I told him that I would call the police since I don't take it as an empty threat. He hasn't said it since. I also told him I will call the police if I know he's out drinking and driving because I can't live with that on my head, knowing that he could injure someone or himself being behind the wheel as impaired as he gets when on a binge.

We will be divorcing soon, though, because I couldn't live like that anymore. married nearly 20 years. It's going to be a tough transition but I have hope that maybe this will help all of us in the end.

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