Questioning my motives - Al-Anon Family Group

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Questioning my motives

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question... I don't have any esh to offer, however I can offer some good old support ((((hugs))) ... I am going through the same process today.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I noticed that when I felt an urge to call or text my son, I was actually feeling very anxious because reminders of what happened to him at a younger age and what could happen to him in the future were scaring me. Reading on the topics of fear, faith, acceptance in my readers until I felt peaceful again, calling a friend to talk, doing something that required my attention helped me get out of my head and back into my own hula hoop.
I also learned that repeating anything more than once with my loved one could be trying to impose my will on him and, of course, that irritated him and could make me feel even more anxious. Practicing Step 1 - that means to read it and think about how it may apply to our life and our loved ones or reciting the Serenity Prayer and thinking about how each word or concept might apply to me, my loved one or my situation was also helpful.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

serenity47 wrote:
That being said I used to be very close to my daughter and I feel a constant need/desire to text her each night to tell her I love her and that I am here for her when she is ready to change. I guess my question is this manipulation in that I keep hoping that she will get help and it makes me feel better to let her know this or am I over thinking things and it is okay and not too much??
I do meet with her on occasion and I have just been very neutral and talk about random things. At times it feels all rather phony to me and then I begin wondering if this is enabling her in that it allows her to still be a part of the family yet continue behaving the way she does.

hey serenity

ok, paragraph #1....i think i would say " XXX I love you and am here for you but i can't agree with the drinking, and that will never change b/c it is killing you if you don't get help....that said, u will always be my daughter, my love, my heart and that will never change either----love mom"

as to paragraph two, she is your daughter and ANY interaction is a good thing.....you are detaching, not exiling her to siberia......there is a big difference...detachment is LOVE, but smart love....letting them learn their hard lessons till they get sick and tired of being sick and tired adn they reach out and surrender to AA help.......U R fine.....its OK to wonder....and very natural in our shoes to ??? our every thought......sometimes i 2nd guess..should i brush my teeth THEN have a smoothie shake , or vice versa.....still learning to trust me....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound like a very caring person. So nice you got to see her!

My view is addiction is a disease. Would we tell someone with a different disease I will be here for you when you are ready to change?

Addiction is not curable, she is going to go through so many different behaviors from her disease.

She may want to be sober and on program, but until she finds she is in a place it may be possible, she is who she is.

I am sure you love her no matter what. Actually what does ready to change mean? If she decides to go to AA or rehab or whatever, in what way would you be there for her?

Since in truth, A's need to do every single step on their own.

What works for me is accepting everyone as is. If one is caught in a lie, who am I to point it out or say I do not believe you? Part of the disease can be they actually, in their A brain, believe their lies!

I heard one A say the only person who never judged me, or tried to change me was my Mom. She made it a point to always let me know she loved me no matter what.

For me one of my best friends is A. I adore her, and have since i was 12 years old. She shared she wants to go to rehab. I told her if you do let me know. I will always listen and love you no matter what.

I shared once that as far as my ex AH, it got where i learned to love him only. meaning I accepted everything about him as is. He never felt judged or like I did not love him at that moment.

You have progressed lots. (c: If it were me and A said I lost another job and blah blah. I would respond. "What a drag, now what will you do? Or when he said something about not feeling well, liver swollen whatever. I would say "it has to be so hard to suffer from addiction."

All I know is Al Anon has taught me to look at myself and how I like to be treated. I put myself in others place. Just becuz one is A does not mean they deserve to be scrutinized or change for me to be there for them in an appropriate way.

Your post is so full of love, I know you meant it to be loving. Maybe it would mean more if you said, I love you no matter what. Which is true.

hugs

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn you have give me a lot to think about and I thank you. I seem to bounce around all over the place not knowing what is right or wrong most days anymore. I have told her many times I love you no matter what even if I do not like your choices. I guess I am always scared of being manipulated again by her. I do adore her and love her to no end and I needed the reminder that A's need to do every step on their own. I not sure what I meant anymore when I said we will be there for her. I guess I meant in support, but I know I have to let her live her life on her terms not mine.

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful I agree that sometimes it is anxiety and fears of the unknown that drive my actions. I will do some of the readings you have suggested and quit repeating myself to the best of my ability. Neshema thank you for your ESH of detachment is love but smart love. Much appreciated. Thank you Truth for the support.

-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 8th of January 2015 10:05:59 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been through it many, many times, Serenity. There is just no easy way for us as most, if not all of our parents have experienced. And trying to get through all of this alone - for me - was impossible. Stay close. We understand.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Good motive check! My daughter, 23, is not an A, and isn't currently into hearing from me on a routine daily basis. We do communicate often enough and I consistently let her know that I love her and am here for her. My attaching a stipulation or condition on that wouldn't truly have the same effect that I would want her to have, as- for me and my situation- sometimes less is more.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im in similar boat, its my son and it took me a while in program to get really honest with myself and to look closely at my motives. It can be fear and guilt that drives this type of feeling where i must tell her i love her....because the underlying motives for me were, if i say it often enough he might stop drinking or if i say it often enough it means im still a good mum. I dont do this as much anymore because when i learned detachment i went through the motions of detaching without the full trust but is till saw improvements. I think with a bit more time in program ive learned to really trust and fully believe in detaching and the reason is more to do with my son than anything else.

When i detached at first it was all about me, saving my sanity, changing my life but now i can see that checking up on him takes his dignity, sendsa message that hes not good enough as is. I try to show love to my son in a different way. I dont meddle in any part of his life now, or i try really hard not to, im showing him that he is loved as he is right now, he doesnt have to get sober for me to show him i care and i love him. I set boundaries for my home but not for any other part of his life. Those days are over and hes much more independant and self efficient. Hes 21.

-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 9th of January 2015 12:08:42 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that you are still interacting with her and doing your best to mind your motives. It is good to sometimes say "I'm here when you are ready to change." But if that gets said again and again, the message to an alcoholic will just become "You need to change!" and they will not pay attention or care about the "I'm here" part. In my experience, it's usually better to let them bring up some way they want to change and then say "I'm here for you when you want to do that." When I was in the active alcoholic stage, my mother's comments about wanting to help me change were generally perceived by me as backhanded...There is no right and wrong though because she was my mom and I suppose it is her prerogative to say when I'm screwing up to a degree. I see that now, but when I was in the middle of it, I couldn't.

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you pinkchip and el-cee your wisdom and experience is so helpful to me and I appreciate it a lot.

akk · Member

This was helpful to my with my AD. Thank you all. I try to be aware of the messages I send with my word choice. For example, I recently left a message that said Good Luck, love you; that got me a phone that was filled with anger and shouting. I have not called back. She will call when she is ready, and if I am ready I can pick up the phone. I will say a quick prayer for guidance when I see her number.

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