all this of late??? I am taking it TOO serious....its not about me, for me, directed at me,

I guess my issue was and always will be safety....like if i don't do my program "right"  will there be a private group consultation on me????

Thinking about it, I don't believe i am interesting or popular enough to be talked about extensively, so maybe I am safe,   AND i do my best to work out my own stuff with the help of ESH , encouragement, but bottom line I am solution minded......

I think my purpose here is to help the newbies....esh the ones i SEE working their program.....I may or may not initiate posts, dunno how I feel about that YET,  but I know I do good energy with the new ones and the ones who are working their program and may benefit from my ESH....If i see repeated patterns of same ole same ole, and not working the steps, program, slogans, sponsor consultations, etc., then I have to humanely detach and spend my energy where it is going to do the most good.

YEP..I took ALL this  "sub group chatting w/selected others"  waaay too serious.....its all about gossip...safety....integrity....alanon principles.....ALL of which are big issues with me.

This program saved my life...Literally saved my life....I came in here, 13 years ago, next month, Hungry...desperate for help....ready to work....ready to face all the pain and self discovery some of which was heart rendering....but I wanted out of my pain....I knew the only way OUT was THROUGH...so i dug in,  cussed a lot...cried a lot....but i was not gonna give up on me...This was my last chance as a person who could not afford therapy, newly divorced, starting out life anew.....this HAD to work..it was my LAST ditch effort to make a life or help me out of this world......it was THAT bad for me....

well, 13 years, almost, later, i look back and i see i am not where i want to be....BUT..the GOOD news is,  I am a FAR distance from where I was.....

I think to stay safe and not invite myself into QTIP'ing anything, I just need to appear and encourage the newbies  AND esh someone who is wanting to help themselves and need some good ole ESH

yea, I make amends for taking this WAY too personal......it just triggered me , reminding me of my FOO.....one was either "in or out"  in the FOO....sometimes i was "in"  sometimes I was "out"  like nazi germany, my family could be your friend one day, sending you to Auschwitz the next...so things were always "tentative" at best   "high terror alert"  at worst....One never knew where they stood.....it was unsafe....unstable......it fostered resentment from the outsiders vs the insiders.....NOTHING was in the open.....NOTHING was honest.....up for discussion.....

I took this WAY too personal bc  safety and openess and dealing with my cards ON the table, not under is paramount for me...the "sub-group" mentality reminded me of that FOO from which I seek to distance myself from as far as the east is from the west.......I will defend this program and its principles bc it has saved me.....

Maybe my lesson, well I THINK my lesson is unless it is directed at me personally and i need to set a boundary/call a group conscious, i need to detach.....

the fact that I was not included is NOTHING about me...NO shortcoming or defect about me....

I do make amends to the board for getting my ass in an uproar.....I took this TOO personal and serious......I need to realize that I create my own safety

If i ever feel really unsafe or targeted, then I will exit!!!!   THAT point or place has not, thus far been reached....

OK...I will speak no more about this.....I posted this b/c of the fact that I was in a wad about it and now i have to face it and work it through.........