something I learned ESH?? or enabling??? - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

something I learned ESH?? or enabling???

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm processing......glad its being read, anyway........found out i can pay my taxes to IRS on line...whooopeeee they will get about $25 from me............baad year.........hope they don't spend it all in one place...........

i will, re: all this happenings of late, not make decision based on emotions.......i will ask me WHERE do I feel most comfortable/safe/contributing/ and yes, Happy and respond from there.....Its all about taking care of me and what/where is my higher parent prompting me to do/go

BACK to study-------Talk to you all soon.....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Loved your shares on what you've learned about the difference between enabling and sharing e/s/h. I most especially loved this sentence:

I can offer water but I don't shove their face into the bucket to make them drink!!!!!!!! Haaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa.

How often I may have done that - not knowing a better way? I'm grateful that continued program work has helped me - and I'm sure my children have appreciated that as well. Still learning, still able to get tripped up, and grateful that I'm not alone in the process of recovery. I've got sisters like you to help me remember what is me crossing the line and what is me staying in my own hula hoop.

Glad you are happy with only $25 being owed to IRS. Glad you're here, too.

You are part of this family, Rosie, and have helped me so much. You are also a big contributor to why I was able to see what I did well and see what I could have improved on and return with an amends in my hands. (((R))) Thanks for your share.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Neshema, I agree that there is a fine line between enabling and helping. Learning the difference is a process and we stumble and fail from time to time . Program recognizes this and that is why the 10th Step is here and we live one day at a time.

I am happy you are here and have the courage to share your powerful ESH

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I too very much enjoy your shares. Hey when I first heard about enabling and codependence people were saying nurses were enablers...geez.

I know for me I think ok is this something they can do for themselves? Also I can be long winded...duh huh? Lately I have been saying less, and doing my best to get across my point or esh with out talking someones ear off! lol

When I think of the times I would drive A clear to rehab, only for him to take the van home the next day... rrrrrrrr so saw in my experience, heck with it, the A can get home so he can get himself there. More thought made me realize if I make a big decision I need to do every single step to get there on my own.

whew what did i just say??? lol I love you lady and one thing about you I appreciate, you are real and never phoney!

hugs and btw I rarely get mad at anyone ever. Not my nature. If I feel weird about something I let them know how "I" feel. If I seem absent, my dang disabilities are kicking my rear and brain. I may respond a bit but not much. I may not to you as much as I know if you need me you will let me know, friends are like that! Rose

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:

Glad you are happy with only $25 being owed to IRS. Glad you're here, too.

You are part of this family, Rosie, and have helped me so much. You are also a big contributor to why I was able to see what I did well and see what I could have improved on and return with an amends in my hands. (((R))) Thanks for your share.

yea, re: the IRS...I can fund the war machine for the next day or two...

re: your 2nd sentence.....awwwww that makes me feel really loved and good......I am soo glad I helped you make an informed decision.......and yea, some of it was selfish....I was having "catherine withdrawal symptoms" xoxo

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

disbelief again I am liver and onions...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
whew what did i just say??? lol I love you lady and one thing about you I appreciate, you are real and never phoney!
hugs and btw I rarely get mad at anyone ever. Not my nature. If I feel weird about something I let them know how "I" feel. If I seem absent, my dang disabilities are kicking my rear and brain. I may respond a bit but not much. I may not to you as much as I know if you need me you will let me know, friends are like that! Rose

(((((((((((((((((((((D)))))))))))))))))))))) back at you, my fellow animal lover......yep,...i am no fake----no BS----sometimes i anger people but they know where they stand w/me.......i guess i would make a good submarine commander b/c they , too, have no time for BS

I was just worried about you, being absent...i know u havn't felt well of late and geez if i were in your territory, i would be grabbing a shovel and helping you out....so glad to see you on the board today........and if you need ME, ya know where to find me ok?????? Love ya xoxo

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Neshema, I agree that there is a fine line between enabling and helping. Learning the difference is a process and we stumble and fail from time to time . Program recognizes this and that is why the 10th Step is here and we live one day at a time.

I am happy you are here and have the courage to share your powerful ESH

((((((((((((((((((B)))))))))))))))))))))) oh yea, how long did it take me to finally be able to discern on this.....good sponsors and lots of literature, LOL.....and i agree step #10 is my buddy......

I am happy that YOU are happy about my being here.....I just kinda slog along and try to learn and share that learning w/others here........you are such a rock here....THANK you for your service......you and Deb absolutely are the goodest guardians and servants to this board......xo

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I need a bulldozer...hehe that would be a sight, tiny you on a big tractor! lol

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Neshema thank you!!! I needed to read your post today it is like it was written to me. when do i give support??? when do i back off??? Even to my children...I am their mother...Not their HP or their life's governess....I MUST, if I want them to grow/learn/prosper, spiritually, know WHEN to BACK off and butt out...Love them, but let them grow even if their growing is hard to watch.

I am struggling today with myself with the need to contact her to remind her that she has choices but the other part of me knows that she knows as we have lovingly supported her since she was born. I have provided her with all the info of help available and I think the best thing now is to sit back and wait but it is very hard. I am not her higher power. Thank you for the reminder.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

serenity47 wrote:.

I am struggling today with myself with the need to contact her to remind her that she has choices but the other part of me knows that she knows as we have lovingly supported her since she was born. I have provided her with all the info of help available and I think the best thing now is to sit back and wait but it is very hard. I am not her higher power. Thank you for the reminder.

you are MOST welcome...our hardest challenge.....i am native american....one of my 3 totems (my life teachers, protectors, connections to creator) is the african lioness.....it took me a while to figure out why the AFRICAN cat would be my totem, not the, say cougar.....the female grizzley is also one of my totems and also the horse....

getting back to the lioness.....watching the females in action, it was easy to see why, when i was recovered enough to see the theme behind the docus i would watch about these wonderful creatures....

the lioness will take on a male, who is almost 2x per size to protect her baby cubs....she lets them learn the "hard way" by taking them out on hunting lessons and if they screw up the hunt?? they dont' get a kill and thus no meat for a while....she gently grabs their fur and gives them a shake when they get out of line (not often b/c they are very indulgent and patient w/their cubs) and also they will if a sister dies, take on her cubs to raise as her own, as i took away one of my sister's kids to raise up as my own......

also the lioness knows when to back off and let go....let the cub either make it or perish.....if a cub gets injured and its bad and mama knows he/she will never be able to take care of itself , she lets it go....leaves.....if it heals fast enough to catch up with the pride it is a BIG celebration , but if it does not heal, it will die, quietly and mama focuses on the cubs that DO have a chance of making it to adult hood and she spends her energy on them....the creatures have much to teach us.....most animals know when to let a child go.....to either heal and rejoin the pride, later or they fall and perish....the mother cannot fix a broken back , the cub is doomed and she grieves and accepts it and moves away to let nature take its course......

harsh??? not when you look at the whole picture.....a mother lion has her hands full co-sharing the raising of hers and her sisters cubs to maturity....the longevity and survival of the pride depends on EACH member doing their share, yea, a boost is fine...and healthy babies need protection, training, and supervision and yea, mom and dad provide till the cubs are old enough to if female, contribute to pride, and male, they strike out on their own b/c incest is taboo among lions.......if a young cub is being attacked by a hyena, the mom will jump in and the world is minus one hyena.....they know when its right and for the good of the group to step in....and when its right and for the good of the group to back off....let nature work its course.

life is hard..brutal at times....i won't live forever...so my cubs better learn my lessons while i am here....if they refuse, i have to let go...let them heal or perish on their own, bc it is TOTALLY out of my realm of power, anyway, so why spend all my energy on one cub who isn't gonna make it , anyway, when i have others who will benefit from my efforts to help them help themselves.......

JUST my take......and I am glad my share helped you....yea, kids are hard to be objective about......

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:55:12 PM

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you I love that analogy. It is so true and this lioness knows what she has to do. I am slowly regaining my strength as I used to always be one tough lioness who made her cubs do what they needed to be doing but this addiction really caught me by surprise and beat me down in a way that I had never imagined it could. I am climbing out of that hole and I know that is what she needs me to do to best help her help herself. This crying all the time, not eating, bringing the entire family down and using all my energy on her is pointless. I see that now and trying to dig a hole through the dark tunnel ahead.

-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:07:02 PM

-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:07:59 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Liked your share and made me think about me. I came here because I had no control over my emotions and enabling ways. It's one of the hardest thing I had to learn..and don't get me wrong...I can hop on band wagon in a heartbeat if I don't continue to learn and monitor my emotions. I've also learned how to handle my thinking about my SO even though he's still a jerk....I just don't tell him that anymore. Yeah I can get mad in the public place but I have learn to stop, drop and think before I open my month. But never get me wrong.

I will say what I mean, and mean what I say, but just keep it to a low roar. Don't mess with my serenity because I have the power over me and No they can take that away from me. Sinatra Classic

You know after reading you share again...I think I'm in the wrong ballpark but oh well I already typed it out.

((( hugs ))) Rose you are a good thing being here

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:30:41 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

serenity47 wrote:
I am climbing out of that hole and I know that is what she needs me to do to best help her help herself. This crying all the time, not eating, bringing the entire family down and using all my energy on her is pointless. I see that now and trying to dig a hole through the dark tunnel ahead.

-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:07:59 PM

(((((serenity))))) we will climb out of the hole together....if one of us slips??? the other will grab her by the fur and not let her drop.....deal???????

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:55:54 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:
Liked your share and made me think about me. I came here because I had no control over my emotions and enabling ways. It's one of the hardest thing I had to learn..and don't get me wrong...I can hop on band wagon in a heartbeat if I don't continue to learn and monitor my emotions. I've also learned how to handle my thinking about my SO even though he's still a jerk....I just don't tell him that anymore. Yeah I can get mad in the public place but I have learn to stop, drop and think before I open my month. But never get me wrong.

You know after reading you share again...I think I'm in the wrong ballpark but oh well I already typed it out.

((( hugs ))) Rose you are a good thing being here

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 8th of January 2015 08:30:41 PM

(((((((((Cathy)))))))))) u r never in the wrong ballpark if my name is on it.....and i liked what u said here......related to the SO big time, LOL....and oh yea, some folks I just don't bother telling them anmore...whats the point?????? Cathy , since I have been here, you have grown, BIG time!!!! LOVE watching a friend grow and you have!!!!! I respect you for your courage and unconditional love.....hope son turns a corner this time.......xo

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