Contemplating a 9th- complicated with fear - Al-Anon Family Group

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Contemplating a 9th- complicated with fear

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Laurel, I really appreciate your sharing your concerns and plans regarding the Ninth Step. This week my favorite meeting discussed this step in detail and the most important issues that I rediscovered were:

.1 In working step nine we are doing this to relieve ourselves of the guilt that we are carrying.

2 amends does not mean saying I'm sorry, it means changing my attitude towards a person and responding to them from compassion and courtesy.

3. I am not seeking forgiveness from these people. It does not matter how they respond.

4. The only thing that matters is that I forgive myself and that I take the action.

When I listened to your concern regarding the step I thought I would share the above with you so that you could review what type of amend you would like to make with your uncle, what your part in the situation was, what harm had you caused and what action can you take to correct that.

You may not have to make a direct amend with your uncle immediately. You could work on letting go of the anger, resentment, and judgment of him and by so doing your attitude would actually change to one of compassion and courtesy. That would be a good first step in this step.

Please take what you like and leave the rest but remember you are grieving and this is a difficult time for you so be very gentle with yourself

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you- I know that I'm raw and this is not the best time for me. I genuinely want to let him know that I am so sorry I didn't handle things better and never intended to hurt anyone and would love an opportunity for regrouping and building a relationship. I would be ready to hear what that would take, if offered. I know that I don't know what it is that he is reacting to. I know that it may not be personal, or completely personal. I know he has his own struggles. I am working on letting go of my resentment of how he choses to interact with me.

I'm a bit baffled that he wants to meet, given how he treats me. Why not send whatever in the mail if he finds me so offensive? I thought it would be good if I could flip the circumstance into something more positive. ... I can see that today I wouldn't be presenting it the way I would like.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I need to go do more work - I actually think that whatever I say to him will not be heard under any circumstances and I need to let go of expectations. My FOO believes in an eye for an eye, no questions asked.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Bud Take care of you, stay detached , treat him with courtesy and respect. When you meet, pretend you are at a meeting, keep an open mind ,determine not to justify or defend anything and pray for the wisdom to respond, placing principles above personalities .

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Betty- that is a good plan and I know I can manage that.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Bug))))) you are correct FEAR the emotion that is always there and causes trouble if I react only without taking the time to inventory ask myself balance questions and responses and stay in the moment...not project or fortune tell including expectations (which are future ......).

FEAR....False Evidence Appearing Real; my head/mind trying to make up stuff and then sell me on it. Balance for me is to follow this up with the question, "Could you be wrong"? Cause I always could be wrong what do I have to do including getting the input I don't have from the person, place or thing that scares me? How is my trust with HP and how is my patience? Am I living in the moment or has the fear dragged me into the future without giving me the right evidence and good solutions.

How is my memory of the lessons and suggestions of the fellowship and am I willing to use them in spite of having some fear.

Am I true to myself and can I remain that way regardless of the situation including boundaries and attitudes and behaviors?

Am I able to retain my power and not give it away to anyone else?

Say on and in your program. It works when you work it.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe you know how much I admire you. I wanted to send a connection that I care very much and will keep you in my heart and prayers.

Reminding you that often thoughts on something usually are worse than the actual "thing."

hugs and support and love!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know, Bud. I'm concerned about doing a 9th step with him that is direct for you at this time. The words..."Except when to do so would injure them or others." You being the other in this case. When my Dad died, my sponsor helped me accept my sibs for who they were and I had to accept that they could be incredibly loving and then reject me on a whim. All I had to do was sit in a chair and one of them would take issue with the fact I didn't sit in the chair in the family way. (the progressive disease) It helped me to remember that I had program and they didn't. It was easier for me just to do what I needed to do, say what was necessary for the business part, let the past be and do what Betty suggested here in changing my attitudes and my hopes/expectations with them. I wanted us all to be close again as we once were once upon a time. It wasn't possible. Had I brought up anything or even apologized for anything at that time - it would have been met with "no program" reactions. I, like you, was fragile and raw. I needed to grieve with people who could understand and also give me tools to get through it with a minimum of more pain.

Whatever you decide is best for you to do, Bud, I'm in your corner.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of January 2015 02:25:27 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry- I'll be meditating on your post- all of it. Good stuff and I am grateful! It's so humbling getting knocked off track- no shortage of practice opportunities.

Thank you Debilyn- you're words are so comforting and appreciated! I agree that the worst rarely happens. I do need to center myself before I take anything else on.

Thank you Grateful- It was my sponsor that tossed the idea of doing a 9th if I was strong enough. I liked the idea but clearly need to take care of myself before I could consider something like this. I have expectations that I need to hand back to my HP. I have anger that my HP can have, as well. I can afford to keep none of that, but this is all a work in process. I visited my Dad today to find him in ill health and bad spirits with pneumonia and had stopped eating. The nurses mentioned that my Uncle had been notified a few days ago, so, my Uncle was aware when he called me last night and didn't mention it. It's evident that the nurses see the situation clearly and I feel validated. But, you and the other's are right- my program is an inside job and I can't force it or anything to a better place; it has to come with hard work and with the grace of my HP. I'm waiting for Hospice Care to return my call; I'm looking forward to learning new coping skills. I agree that finding good friends to help me through this process will be more beneficial than whatever my family could provide- as family, we're all in different stages of grieving and in different ways and iron bound to dysfunction. I know I can change me and have hope for something better from within. I shared my brown-bagged lunch with my Dad, who held a lucid conversation while he ate every bite, drank 2 full glasses of apple juice, and smiled as he spoke to my daughter on the phone. I cherish the sweet moments.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ah, Bud. Sounds to me like you are good medicine for your Dad. Many, many prayers for him and for you. This is such a tough time of life for our parents and for us and yet I see you looking for those sweet moments that can carry you through.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.