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New to this site...just signed up actually. I don't know where else to go with this. Looking for your input please.
I have a friend, who is more like my boyfriend, but we're not official in any way. Anyway, he's depressed. He talks about his issues and they seem deep rooted and have existed from a very young age. I don't know what to say to him when he talks about them and I'm scared I'm causing more damage than I am helping.
He has good periods and then he spirals into the bad periods. He goes from telling me my voice makes him feel like everything will be ok, to not wanting to even reply to my messages. And I don't know if I need to insist on spending more time with him or just give him his space.
I'm angry because I've had my share of bad relationships and I kind of feel cheated in this mix because I feel like I deserve better treatment from a man. I'm over 40 and I'm pretty much at a point in my life where I don't want to deal with getting to know anyone new. I've known this friend of mine for 7 years and we have a great time when we see each other or talk on the phone. We lose track of time and we sincerely love each other. But I don't get enough for me to fully invest myself into a "relationship" with him. And I'm confused now because I don't know if I should be pursuing him a little more or if I'm supposed to back off when I don't get the attention or time I think we should have.
I don't want to abandon him in his depression and I don't want to be overly available either. But I understand the situation is tricky because of his depression. So what do I do? How do I move forward in a way that I can benefit him and help myself as well? And I don't mean, get what I want. I mean, how can I learn from this and grow?
I appreciate your input. If you're the one with depression, would you say I push to spend time with him or give him all the space he wants to take? And if you're the one in my shoes, how do you handle your own situation?
Hi. Welcome to MIP. Several of us are active participants in the Al-Anon program for families and friends of people who drink to excess. Perhaps I missed it, but I didn't read if your boyfriend drinks? If he does, our suggestion to newcomers is to find an Al-Anon meeting in their area and attend at least 6 before deciding if the program is for you. Depression often goes hand in hand with an active drinker and the program can help you learn to detach in ways that are right for you. Others will weigh in. Glad you're here.
Just like grateful2be said alcohol and depression, anxiety and not being well go hand in hand. I asked my son about his depression and anxiety now that he has been sober for 9 months....and he told me they are all but gone. He says he depressed because he's in prison but understand what will make him better down the road.
Alcoholics will say anything to get some kind of response that will keep his addiction alive and well. When we learn to let go and let HP take control of him and we start taking care of ourselves is when things will/can change. Let him have his disease ....it's his to fix not your problem to fix. That's the best love you can give an addict.
Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone and MIP/ESH is the best medicine.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
welcome and i am wondering, too, does he drink?? didn't see it in the post...if it is depression only, did you have alcoholics in your life at all??? in alanon we all had or have drinkers or drug users in our lives.....we were impacted by another's (in the past or present) drinking
could you clarify for us??? I really can't weigh in b/c i am not sure....re: the depression, a lot of closet drinkers get depressed...my mother was first a closet, then didn't care WHO knew, but she was depressed a lot...her mother was a closet "self medicator" who drank wine and literally hid it in the closet...i would go into linen closet for a towel and find some of the ole red stuff, maybe to have a glass with my long bubble bath??? Just kidding, i was a kid and thought "gee, this is a funny place to put your bottle" anyway, what i am saying is depression is common in drinkers....whatever the source of his depression, you can't help him, and if he is hard to deal with, maybe you need to re-eval the relationship, bc a relationship should not be a bunch of work and strife...it shoudl be fun, uplifting, smile making, you are happy with them, etc......
would u tell us more????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The only thing I can add to this is that he has never gone off on me or disrespected me. He just shuts down. And he shuts down to the world. He will talk to me sometimes when he's in his worst moments and explains how he doesn't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone, and that talking to me is his way of reaching out and looking for the people that will make him feel hope.
I've suggested professional help several times and just last year, he agreed to see someone. He would call and tell me he felt hopeful. He's part of a group therapy program now and he's back to being depressed. I don't think I understand why he doesn't want to be around the people or things that make him feel better, more often. (talking to me or his therapist)
It is not your job to rescue him from depression or anything else. All you can really do is be supportive within your limitations, encourage professional help, family physician, medication if needed etc. It is pretty normal to withdraw and not want to be around anyone when depressed but of course it is the worst thing a person can do to as isolation just worsens it. That being said you are one person in his life. Give what you have to offer and there is really nothing that you can say that is going to make it worse as long as you are being kind and supportive. Sometimes just simply being present with the person is helpful and no words are needed. He has to be the one to move himself forward in getting the help he needs. He may not have it in him to give you what you need in a relationship therefore that will have to be your decision if you are okay with what he can give and accept it. Depression is cyclical and often it goes away and comes back without any reason. I say this based on my experiences as a mental health professional for 27 years. It is a tough road for many people. You are not his therapist, nor do you want to set yourself up to be that for him. I hope things improve for you both. Take care.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 7th of January 2015 07:17:18 PM
This is not taking care of you... and might be enabling him. I think the rest of the world looks at it like... mmmm this just doesn't feel right, I believe I'll spend my time more wisely and look for something else to focus on yet Al anon's agonize over abandoning someone who emotionally abandons us.... Hope you don't have to spend a lot of time figuring out what is right for you. Those are moments we never get back. ( speaking from experience strength and hope and care for you) .
When I find myself faced with someone's problem, I find myself putting whatever the issue is in place of "alcohol" in the 1st step, for instance: I realize I am powerless over ___________ (his depression) and my life (this part at least) has become unmanageable. Starting from there, I can step back and figure out what is mine to do and what isn't mine to take care of. Am I helping by helping? Is this person really looking for change, what does their actions show?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
