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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New to separation..input needed
Post Info TOPIC: New to separation..input needed
Hopefull15


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New to separation..input needed
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I am new here and feeling overwhelmed by indecision and second guessing myself every step of the way. I want so badly to 'know Gods will' in all of this so that I can align my efforts with it but I keep getting mixed signals. I take my vows very seriously and they are probably part of the reason why I stayed and tried to make my marriage work for as long as I did but I now know that what I thought was 'making an effort' was actually what was making things worse. Its been 3 months since I took my two girls, 6 and 13yrs old, and moved out of our home away from my husband. Not becuase of physical saftey reasons but living with him has become an emotional rollercoaster that we just couldnt handle anymore. Its like Jekyl and Hyde with him. He's the type whose emotions are extremely heightened when drinking, so depending on what kind of mood he's in when he starts drinking determines if its gonna be a night filled with narcissisistic insensitive drunk logging (always directed at me) or if he's just gonna come in the house and drink himself to sleep (which is what I pray for)....or if it will be a night where he feels particularly confrontational. Ive learned that giving him sh** right back only results in me calling the cops on him so I've stopped all together. I've endured the drama for a years as he got progressively worse, but my kids are now old enough to see/understand what is going on and its too much for them to handle. I didnt know what I didnt know in the beginning and just wrote it off as irreconcilable differrences...being that we are polar opposites, which is what attracted me to him in the first place. I've now come to understand the deep rooted codependency issues that I came into the relationship with and knowing what I know about him now, so does he....as my therapist put it " it was a perfect storm waiting to happen". What I would really like to hear are stories of separations and how they worked out for you guys...did you end up doing it more than once and for those with children, how did you get through it. I personally dont feel he's a threat to them and I have an open door policy as far as him seeing the kids, however lately he doesnt call or come by unless he's "summoned" to do so. This kind of detachment is baffling to me as his girls mean everything to him. My speculation is that he's doing it partly out of guilt because my 13yo has begun to speak up to him about his drinking which is his second time being confronted by her. The other real eye opener he got from her was a while back when he found a letter that she wrote to me begging me to leave him.....that one really sent him over the edge. He also has no problem throwing jabs at me in his drunken ramblings about the kids being the only ones he cares about now, aside from his immediate family(mom,dad,sis) "because caring too much for others is what always gets him in trouble" (speaking about me of course). I've learned not to interject or say anything hoping he'll eventually run out of words and move on to something else. Its funny because recently he said did this during a recent visit at my house, naming everone on his short list that he "gives a dam about" now and my 6yr old politley said "but what about mommy, u care about her too?" I felt so vendicated by my 6yo for saying that because its as if her innocent question reeled him back in and he stopped and said "oh uh yeah yeah I do" which shut all that down immediately and he moved on to more lighter conversation! LOL. In all honesty, I know what me and the girls mean to him but the alcohol has distorted his logic so right now that its almost like he's going against his what he knows he holds dear in his heart out of self pity, resentment or whatever it is that the drinking has done to him. Laslty, another thing I am confused about is how he could do a 16week intensive outpatient program, become so incredibly enlightened about the reality of his drinking problem and what its doing to our family and then once the program is over to renig (sp?) on all of it in a matter of weeks???? Which is why we are where we are with things today...any input would be much appreciated because I'm new to the alanon program and am just now understanding what alcoholism really is.

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Debilyn


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we don't understand an A's actions becuz for one thing, when they are not working a strong recovery program they are insane. We say "You cannot rationalize insanity."

Also a non A does not think like an A. something as simple to us, to ask someone how they are, is not simple or related to by most A's.

He is very sick. I am so glad you got your kids out of there. I am a real advocate for kids. They to me need to be protected.

welcome to mip!

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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pinkchip


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If a person doesn't transition from rehab or an IOP program into daily AA or NA meetings for a good year and then continue going to several a week for the first few years, I put their odds at staying sober at around 1 percent. So, I will tell you it is not uncommon for people to think they "graduated" from treatment and are fixed. Wrong. They need to stick with a program, a day at a time for life.

Anyhow, sounds like your husband has a host of issues, unresolved anger, grief...trust issues. He sounds very, very broken. So I am pretty sure that he didn't make a conscious decision to "renig" on things as much as, when he was no longer surrounded with structured recovery, he didn't have the support and didn't seek out the support to continue healing and staying sober at the same time. He reverted back to default. I can tell you that after 6 years being sober here and even being Mr. AA out the wazoo, if I don't get to meetings for a period of time, I would eventually relapse in all likelihood.

As far as how separations go? Well, alanon will help you set boundaries that are right for you. Your situation is yours and it doesn't really matter how it went for other people. It does sound like your husband has a lot of bitterness and some poor boundaries that are concerning for a child to be around. I'm not sure what type of boundaries you will need to set if that doesn't change.

I also believe alanon will help you detach and no longer be the target for his cruelty and "jabs"...It will give you some tools for handing his addiction and issues back to him rather than trying to reason with his insanity. Obviously you know his problem isn't that he "cares too much and that is where he gets into trouble." That is pretty standard hogwash from a bitter active alcoholic who doesn't realize that his problem is he can't seem to get sober to have a mature and caring relationship so rather than look at the addiction as the problem, it must be the relationship. In other words "Yay! Not my fault. Not my drinking. Not the disease. All your fault and it's because I cared about you." How convenient. Time for some serious alanon for you so you can detach from this BS and madness. You didn't cause this, can't control it, and can't cure it. Let go. This is going to be a trying time for him and his nastiness is probably going to go up because he is spending more time getting drunk and stewing in his own sick thoughts now that you moved out in all likelihood. My suggestion is to grab on to alanon like a life preserver...because truly it could be for you.



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Hopefull15


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Thank you...its funny you mention the irrational logic because I've now come to realize why I always felt a disconnect when around his family (mom,dad,sis)...the way they communicate with each other is crazy...right down to their logic which always left me feeling like an idiot. But now I realiize its the old addage "birds of a feather" as my father in law is also a longtime alcoholic. Which means there is always mass chaos and confusion. I could be a party to a conversation of theirs or something as simple as planning a weekend activity with them and I letterally go nuts because I always feel like Im dealing with idiots when the reality is that my father in law is to their world what my husband is to me! I tell my husband all the time that his communication skills suck. He always uses words completley out of context or uses analogies that make absolutely no sense. Dont get me started on the merrygoround conversations we have when he's supposedly sober! I'll agree with him about something he'saying but in paraphrasing my aggreement back to him, he thinks I'm disagreeing...and there starts the argument!...and Im sitting there thinking "what the hell just happened"? but of course Im.always the one blamed for the poor communication in our marriage. It all makes sense now! And now that I know whats going on Its really sad because they all seem to have all adapted to this insanity

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