Well this isn't al-anon but then in a way it is.

Feel free to delete it if it's just too far off the track.

I'm playing a waiting game at the moment. I've been letting it drive me quite mad. I think that's rational, it has been 4 months now of having no fixed address and at times I have felt like I am really, honestly losing the plot. I've never felt so disconnected, afraid and completely miserable before and recently I have started to really lose my sunny disposition and will to go on. I'm not complaining, lets face it worse things happen to better people but I don't feel great and i'm all out of pretend. I am running on the smell of an oily rag, spriritually. Logically it has to get better. 

I mentioned I contacted the agent about a longer lease and paying more money for the flat. He said he thought the landlord might go for that and has been calling my references which might be a good sign. He has also deleted the rental property from the website which might be a good sign but experience has taught me, it might just mean they want to advertise it for more money now they know there is some demand for it. He hasn't called me in any event and that is a bad sign. I am waiting on 2 other properties and i have 8 to inspect and apply for tomorrow and then there will be more waiting, waiting, waiting. These people never call back, the houses sit empty for weeks, even months, no-one is in any hurry yet once you are a rent-paying tenant if you don't respond to a phone call within 30 seconds the sky is falling, the sky is falling. Oh well. This is the coastal rental market, and it's what I have chosen.

 I also talked to my mother today. I expressed a lot, that I really want to stay in the area so that my daughter can go to the school that she has worked hard and shown initiative to get into, (if we moved to mothers it is too far for daughter to get to her school, like 2.5 hours commute each way) that I do not want to give up when there is still weeks left, that I am trying the very best way i know how to give my daughter the support she deserves to go to this cool school she chose and got into a "selection only' program taking only 25 students each year. (Thats the main reason i am desperate to find a place, it's a big deal, my girl worked hard and she's super motivated. I want to support that and I won't give up until I have no choice. Yes it's hard but so is lots of stuff. My 11 year old is very academically driven and put in a lot of hard work and her own initiative to get into this school. Why am I foolish to try every possible means to make it happen? Why wouldn't I keep trying? Why do i have to give up and take an easy option? It's important. If my child is motivated and driven that overshadows everything as far as I am concerned. Maybe she will break free. I was supposedly a child "prodigy" and all I cared about when i was 12 was my 26 year old boyfriend...yeah there's a reason i want to support my girl at all costs. May she never turn out like me.  My mother said, she agrees that it is good that I'm trying my best to have her go to this school, I told her, I'm glad you agree and I'm sick of you making fun of me.

(she has been making relentless jokes at my expense, this morning she said 'its good that you got that man out of your life. Oh wait you didnt get rid of him he just went away by himself but its good that he went away no thanks to you", then she said 'do you realise it would have been your 12th wedding anniversary this monday if you were still married, what a joke that was you could be living in a nice house with your husband' then she said "gosh I cant imagine anyone wanting to sign a lease on a hot day like today. Except for someone desperate like you I suppose".  I mean these comments aren't jokes they are just effing nasty taunts, she never stops spewing mean-ness at me. She literally never stops, every single comment has a barb.

So i said  I'm exhausted and sad and i have no sense of humor left, you can either give me moral support and be kind to me or you can leave me alone, I'm not giving up until the fat lady sings (is that a universal expression or just an australianism that might seem offensive, it wasnt meant to be offensive). So she sent me a long message about how it's hard to talk to me when I take offense to her 'jokes" (you are retarded, you should dig a hole and bury yourself etc are not JOKES) and now she's being nice to me and offering all of her support. 

Well I have a friend who has a mother who is a bit narcissistic and abusive and she says "we sure do know how to get water out of a cactus don't we?" and i'm not qualified to lable my mother one way or the other but that rings true for me and describes how I feel about her perfectly. I love my mother but she grew up in an alcoholic hell-hole and now this is who she is, sarcastic, mean and drunk whenever the sun is more than half-way across the sky each day. Every thing she says is mean. I have to work hard and drill a hole to get some love.

So this isnt relevant but we made an agreement that I will go there this weekend if  haven't found a place and she wont make me feel like crap but instead support me to keep searching for a place. I could make a similar agreement with ABF that we will rent a place together and he won't turn into a drunk violent nightmare. But you know. If I'm really going to have to choose I'll take the option where I will not be bashed, have my property destroyed or be prevented from leaving the premises. They are both bad options.

I really hate that I see life as if I am a victim now. As if I am at everyone's whim. I am SO TIRED! I am trying, every way I can see. I just can't get things to work. I have applied for 15 houses now and been rejected. I'm keeping on.

But even though i am waiting waiting waiting, I do want to make soap and sell it at market. I think that's something i can do and do well. I know it sounds silly and fanciful but i think its something i can make work. I am a good salesman.

So today I went to the local opshops (thrift shops) to buy a slow-cooker, a mixer, some moulds, and I sourced ingredients and then I made this. 

No it isn't a cake, it's soap. It needs to harden for a week but my last batch has been awesome so this one will be too. This batch is goatsmilk and cow-ghee, coconut milk, orange oil, coffee and cocoa. I call it "orange mochiatto". I've been using the last batch, even on my face and it's really nice. I thought I might present them as slices of cake as a gimmick. Maybe this is the next right thing even though I don't know where I will be living tomorrow. Or maybe I've just lost it. Making it seemed like a better idea than sitting in my room and wallowing. 

Is it wrong to make soap when I should be worrying? I actually smiled for a while.

I think I have a bit of a gift for it and wow, imagine if i could make money selling soap while I finish my degree and write some books. That would be all of my dreams rolled into one. 

Well anyway. That's what I did today. It might seem absurd to do something creative when i have so much to WORRY about. But I might be able to do this. I think I'm good at it. I live at the beach where rich people spend huge $$ at the sunday markets. I've always wanted to crack this market and I think I can do it. 

why am I trying to explain myself?